Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

His inability to drive completed emasculated him (IMO) and despite the fact that he was really good looking, I decided not to date him.

What? So does that mean that women who drive aren't feminine? It must do if you see being able to drive as masculine.

@Armi

No idea, Arrietty-Jones. Just musing - it’s not a fully costed out suggested government policy. Just an idea.

That was kind of my point.

You can’t oblige everyone to do something that costs ~£1k

This is one of those very middle class Mumsnet blind spots like passport signatories or house deposits. Some MNers just can’t grasp that not everyone has easy access to these things.

It must be very irritating to be skint and read “I think everyone should learn to drive”, said so airily.

Or the other MN standby “Driving is an essential life skill”, as though people are just being sloppy by not learning.

My other half doesn't have a driving license, its a moot point for us though, as we can't afford a car with all the costs that go along with it.

So my driving license is just ID for me at the moment. Even when we did have a car, we weren't using it alot, as we both prefer to walk or bike everywhere. Public transport it great where I live though and everything is within walking distance.

The only problem we were both wishing for a car, is when supermarkets didn't have any delivery slots, it took 3 visits to the supermarket to get everything we needed, but ultimately it was a pain in the arse but we got it done.

I was the person that couldn't drive when I met dp, but I was a single mother and could t afford lessons, or a car so there was no point. DP and I joined our finances had a child and I felt really terrible because I relied on him to take me anywhere I couldn't get a bus or train. I learned to drive as soon as possible because it made me feel very uncomfortable relying on either do or my mum. I was only 23 though. I drive everywhere now. I absolutely love the freedom it gives you. I don't think people understand that until they drive. My brother won't buy a car. He can drive but relies on my mum and dad or friends to pick him up from nights out etc (hardly drinks so could easily drive himself)

Of course YABU and quite manipulative and controlling too.
He asked you to give hi a lift , you said no- that should be the end of it.

It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license.
The dynamics of their relationship is not your business.
What his wife is willing and not willing to do, has got nothing to do with you, and you shouldn't be trying to force others to follow you just because you have a bee in your bonnet.

public transport delays impact quite often

Driving times are extremely unreliable, particularly in towns and cities. And then there's all the kerfuffle about where to park the damn things. I think people with cars just get inured to what a PITA cars often are. I used to work for a charity that organised events and I would suggest venues with good public transport links available to all, only to be met with 'oh there's no parking'. No, there isn't, but there are good alternatives that don't fuck up the planet, so try those.

As time passed he started expecting me to pick him up from work
The underlying problem is not that he's a non driver, the underlying problem is that he's manipulative controlling and selfish

@AliceinBunnyland

I also know a few people who drive but will not drive on motorways, dual carriageways, outside the city in which they live or to a place they haven't travelled to before. It is ridiculous.

I’m one of those drivers. What’s so ridiculous about it?

They would never dream of planning a day out at a beach or other remote location inaccessible by public transport. It's not that they think "oh it would be lovely to go X place but I can't because there is only one bus a day", they just look at going other places they know they can get to instead.

Why is this a problem? People are castigating non drivers but here you’re giving an example of a non driver making appropriate choices for their lack of driving and apparently that’s wrong too?

My brother won't buy a car. He can drive but relies on....
Your brother won't buy a car because he enjoys having other people serve him, it makes him feel important and in control, maybe they should ask him what his last slave died of?

I don't care if I get shot down for it - I would not be interested in a man who couldn't drive (unless for legitimate health reasons). It would be a deal breaker for me

And for me. I only know one man who doesn't drive (the 25 son of the couple next door) although as he's always getting picked up by his mates then he probably thinks there's no need 😒

I think everyone should learn to drive. Whether they then actually do drive is up to them, but they are able to do it should circumstances occur where it’s needed.
One problem with that... what if they got their licence 20/30 years ago, never had the need to drive and suddenly had to. With that lack of practice, is that a safe thing.
My DM got her licence when she was 47. Drove for about 3 years whilst DF was ill. He recovered and resumed driving (happy to drive BTW) and to date, she's never driven again. She'll use buses, taxis etc if she's not travelling with DF. When she turned 70, she decided not to renew her licence. It had been that long since she had driven that she didn't feel safe and didn't want to bother with lessons again. Quite a sensible choice really

"
You can’t oblige everyone to do something that costs ~£1k

This is one of those very middle class Mumsnet blind spots like passport signatories or house deposits. Some MNers just can’t grasp that not everyone has easy access to these things.

It must be very irritating to be skint and read “I think everyone should learn to drive”, said so airily.

Or the other MN standby “Driving is an essential life skill”, as though people are just being sloppy by not learning."

👏👏👏

Some people can't drive..Im dyspraxic and have epilepsy so fit into that category.

Some people won't drive.

I do what I can to be as undemanding on others as possible and me not driving is one of the major reasons we've not moved to a rural area much as we'd like to. DPs made a huge sacrifice for me in that respect

I've never asked anybody to drive me 7 hours somewhere though.

I don't ask for lifts at all though. If I'd planned to get a bus and I don't feel like it, I get a taxi. It's rare enough though.

I wonder if people are thinking I'm some kind of incompetent or is it acceptable because I'm a woman!?

To be honest, as a single parent, I could not have afforded to have taken my eye off the ball for a moment if we'd had a car. It would have been very stressful. Not having a car means I can save and also relax and have a few treats occasionally. I couldn't stand to be living on the breadline permanently just to have a car on the road.

It's so important to a lot of people though, I know.

I dated one who couldn’t drive, one who didn’t have a car and one who just preferred it when I drove.

In fact, I’ve never dated a guy who would pick me up etc. It’s really irritating and grating after a while. I tend to find they treat you like their mother and a taxi service and they are always unwilling to contribute to any costs incurred such as petrol or parking expenses etc.

I wouldn’t mind if it was a shared responsibility or due to a health condition but otherwise it’s a massive bloody turn off from past experiences and tends to go hand in hand with immaturity, “meanness” and mummy issues.

I can't drive, I live in London and cycle a lot to and from work or use public transport. My partner has a car and it is only used for day trips and holidays, it sits on the road 75% of the time.

I would never ask anybody to ferry me around like you have been asked to.

Exactly, @dodgeballchamp -- why is it of concern to a driver that non-drivers naturally choose to go to places they can get to by bike/public transport/on foot? Does this put drivers out, because places you can drive to are fundamentally superior to those you can't drive to, or something?

Get the frustration about people who assume others will drive them places all the time, but I’m always surprised by the attitude that there’s something generally wrong with not driving. Do people think everyone is affluent? Owning and maintaining a car is bloody expensive.

Frankly, my anxiety around driving makes me a fucking liability on the road (yes, I have had lessons) and you’re all safer without me behind a wheel!

Well done on actually having the intelligence to realise that. There's far too many people on the road who are clearly too anxious to be there, they can cause accidents because of it sadly.

OP your son is only annoyed at you because he knows you're right. He's lazy, that's why he hasn't bothered. He gets others to ferry him around.

I used to work for a charity that organised events and I would suggest venues with good public transport links available to all, only to be met with 'oh there's no parking'. No, there isn't, but there are good alternatives that don't fuck up the planet, so try those.

You've made the classic mistake of not appreciating the state of public transport at the other end! Just because there's good PT near the venue, doesn't mean there is near the attendees homes or workplaces at the start and end of the day, nor cost nor duration of the journeys. This is a classic mistake made by those who live/work near good public transport links.

To be honest I think driving (assuming it's medically possible) is a life skill that everyone should have. I know there will always be a few people that don't, along with those who don't have internet access and don't use debit cards!!! And there must be a few people out there who aren't on the phone ......

But OP you're going to get all these people piling on saying:
1. By not driving they're single-handedly saving the planet.
2. That they live in central London and nobody drives.
3. That they manage perfectly well on the bus/train.

This sounds to me like someone going "waaaaaaaah I don't like it when non drivers point out that their lives are not blighted by a lack of driving and that they have a valid point about their reduced impact on the environment"

Yes Dazzle that’s exactly what I mean! If a group of friends made of drivers and non drivers want to go on a trip and the non drivers suggest a perfectly nice destination accessible by public transport, why is their choice automatically inferior to the drivers’ choice? They’re choosing a destination they can access without help or lifts, it apparently that isn’t good enough, yet if they agreed to the inaccessible place and said “great can I jump in the car then” that would also be wrong 🙄

Owning and maintaining a car is bloody expensive.

Only if you want it to be. I'm driving a 12 year old car which I bought new for £7k. The costs of ownership/use over the 12 years is thousands less than the alternative costs of public transport/taxis etc.

Not everyone wants a £300 per month leased BMW!