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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grown men who can't drive

925 replies

madcatladyforever · 20/07/2020 11:51

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

OP posts:
labyrinthloafer · 20/07/2020 12:23

I am very very much in favour of self-driving cars, as I do think I might need to drive when I am of retirement age.

Cheerybigbottom · 20/07/2020 12:26

I'm a grown woman who can't drive, I'm absolutely terrified of it. DH tried for a while to help me then realised I would be dangerous. I'm working on being a safe passenger.

However, as I made peace with this decision nearly ten years ago I made sure I was on a good transport route for work, our house was near school and I never inconvenience anyone.

I never ask for lifts and if people offer I say no thanks and encourage them to not offer people as it will bring them trouble with cf's as is so often described on Mumsnet!

Your son has never taken responsibility for his decision and lived with the consequences of it and I think you are quite right to say now is the time to cut his lifts off.

He needs to make his own way to places as he should have learned decades ago.

goodwinter · 20/07/2020 12:27

@Chanjer

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh
Why? I can't drive. I've never needed to - I live close to town and I get a train/other public transport if I need to go further. I don't ask anyone for lifts. What word do I need to have with myself?

(I will learn eventually before I have kids - but at the moment, who cares?)

thepeopleversuswork · 20/07/2020 12:28

Chanjer

"Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh"

Why? I can't drive. I'm a grown woman in my mid 40s. I've never needed to drive anywhere I've lived. In fact owning a car would have been a huge financial/logistical millstone around my neck. I also hate driving with a passion, but if I moved somewhere where I needed to I would crack on with it.

I don't take lifts unless they are offered with good grace and I never expect people to sort transport for me.

Why should it be relevant to you if I don't drive?

Helen87609 · 20/07/2020 12:28

YANBU.

My SIL doesn’t drive through choice. She never demands a lift but we get a lot of “can you pick me up on your way through” (it’s never on the way) and having to arrange all family plans to be somewhere she can get to easily or one of us gets a guilt trip or we’re just about to leave with a really grumpy baby and she’ll “just jump in with us” and add 30 mins to the journey. Never offers to pay the toll bridge. She also does a job where you’d usually need to drive (think community nurse) and complains when she gets a job in the suburbs and has to get there 🤷‍♀️

YetAnotherSpartacus · 20/07/2020 12:29

I can't drive. I was never allowed to as a teen because my parents did not believe that women could/should drive. I then lived in a big city where few people had cars and so I never learned then. Now, it's too late I think. I use public transport and read the maps when we do go out. If I could turn the clock back to have learned when I was a teen then I would, but back then I had bigger battles to fight.

complicated101 · 20/07/2020 12:30

My ex husband didn't drive, used to expect me to ferry him about. Pissed me right off.

Freddiefox · 20/07/2020 12:30

@iswhois

I'm married to one and it is a huge pain.
I was married to one, and I’m sure the lack of driving added a few more straws to the camels back.
MyTearsAreOnFire · 20/07/2020 12:31

This thread is eye opening. I don’t drive because of blackouts. I’d love to though. I dream of learning.

I promise that not all non drivers are this entitled Blush

I feel like utter shit after reading this thread though....

Ballybeyondthepail · 20/07/2020 12:32

I don't understand adults who don't drive when there's no health reason not to. It's not that he can't be bothered, he's afraid he'll fail or that he can't do it. That's why he's so angry. You've said your piece, it's up to him and his wife how they manage. Don't go out of your way to drive him places tho.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 20/07/2020 12:32

Yes it's the non driving entitlement that's the issue. My xh couldn't drive and when I asked why he said he'd never needed to because his girlfriends all drove him around. All well and good but then he'd expect holidays across the country with blended family in tow and me doing the hours and hours of driving needed. Never again

DeeTractor · 20/07/2020 12:33

I'm sure the last time we had this thread (so... probably a week ago) it was about delicate little women who need big strong men to chauffeur them around...

Ballybeyondthepail · 20/07/2020 12:33

' I don’t drive because of blackouts. I’d love to though. I dream of learning.'

No one is suggested someone who suffers from blackouts should be on the roads. This isn't about you.

BarbedBloom · 20/07/2020 12:33

Neither me or my husband can drive. I could never afford to learn and then lived in cities. A lot of the rentals here don't have anywhere to park, so even if we had a car, there is nowhere to put it.

I couldn't grip a steering wheel now due to my arthritis and my husband doesn't learn because we can't afford it. He walks the 40 minutes to and from work and we use public transport. No one ever has to give us lifts anywhere, in fact, not many in my family drive.

moita · 20/07/2020 12:33

My brother is the same. He doesn't want to get on public transport at the moment so he expects me to drive for 3 hours (including through central london) to see him.

I don't think non drivers realise how tiring driving long distances can be...oh and he never offers petrol money!!!

pointythings · 20/07/2020 12:35

My late H didn't drive, but that was related to driving related trauma in his childhood. I don't have a problem with people not driving, as long as they don't expect people to ferry them around at their convenience. Your DS is a CF.

ArriettyJones · 20/07/2020 12:35

YANBU about your son. YABU to generalise. There’s loads of people out there who could never afford lessons or couldn’t overcome their nerves.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 20/07/2020 12:36

Nothing wrong with not driving for whatever reason. What is wrong is putting on others and expecting them to ferry you around.

AhBallix · 20/07/2020 12:36

My DP doesn't drive and it's the thing that causes me the most inconvenience and annoyance in our lives. He's 54 and now has medical issues which would prevent him from learning. But all those previous years when he could have been driving and made our lives easier still really piss me off. If he had learned, then there would be periods now when he could drive, as his condition fluctuates. But learning from scratch now is very unlikely. I hate always being the driver - shopping, taking the kids everywhere, picking up packages, taking stuff to the dump etc etc. It would be good to share those things and ease the burden.

Also, he doesn't drink and I do!

MyTearsAreOnFire · 20/07/2020 12:36

Well this said “anyone” and I am someone Hmm

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh

Can’t drive but can read English. Grin

mencken · 20/07/2020 12:36

not 'grown men' but your dependent arsehole of a son.

there are things called 'taxis'. That is his alternative.

pennysea · 20/07/2020 12:37

I know a few people that either can't or chose not to drive. I can say none of them expect to be chauffeured about and most of them live and work in the city and don't need a car for their daily life.

If you need a car to get about either learn to drive or accept you're not going to be able to go to all the places you want to. Don't expect other people to drive you about.

Shatteredconfidence · 20/07/2020 12:38

Yeh I have 2 siblings in their thirties who don't drive.

It enrages me as my parents ferry them about everywhere. I feel so embarrassed for them. It is actually symbolic (in my eyes) of a refusal to grow up and be a responsible adult, which my parents encourage tbf.

longestlurkerever · 20/07/2020 12:38

I came on to say yabu because the idea that driving a car is an essential rite of passage needs to change and we need to accept that walking, cycling and public transport are much better and less selfish ways of getting around. But yanbu that if you are dependent on a car you shouldn't be dependent on someone else driving it unless there's a good reason.

moita · 20/07/2020 12:38

@MyTearsAreOnFire don't feel like shit. You have a legitimate reason not too!

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