Grown men who can't drive

[madcatladyforever]

AIBU or what! Just had a row with my DS who is not talking to me because he can't drive at 40 years old. There is no good reason why not, he's done all the lessons just can't be bothered to take the test.
His wife ferries him about everywhere despite the fact she's in very poor health and shouldn't even be on the road in my opinion.
He wanted me to collect him for the weekend a 7 hour round trip and I said no, I have slipped discs and I'm on tramadol, I can't drive for 7 hours.
I don't see why we should be unpaid chauffeurs all the time and I'm not doing it any more.
Not being able to drive completely limits their lives, they can't live in a rural area which they want to do, he can only take a job there is public transport too and he can't drive to any big store out of town and pick up furniture or tools or whatever.
It is driving me mad and I said to his wife, stop ferrying him about, he needs to get his license. What happens if you have to go into hospital - who is going to drive you there and back.
Now he is furious with me for "interfering" but if your mother can't say it who can.
I get the test is scary but if we never did anything because we were nervous we'd never achieve anything in our lives.

I could never understand this either. I live in a rural area and don’t understand anyone that won’t drive (of course some people might be unable to). I’ve always said I wouldn’t date a man who couldn’t drive! It’s a an off putter for me!

If he doesn't want to drive he doesn't have to. Equally you don't have to ferry him about. What happens with driving in his relationship with his wife is their business.

@MyTearsAreOnFire

This thread is eye opening. I don’t drive because of blackouts. I’d love to though. I dream of learning.

I promise that not all non drivers are this entitled

I feel like utter shit after reading this thread though....

I love giving people lifts. I like having passengers who aren’t grunting teenagers. I love driving full stop but I always feel guilty if I don’t have passengers.

Don’t feel bad about car sharing, or not being medically clear to learn. Assume anyone who offers a lift means it, too.

Being able to drive and owning a car are not the same thing. I don't own a car

Being able to step up and drive when needed is imo a very useful skill.

Spend 20 odd years driving non drivers about and then see how you feel about people that won't learn

And it's not even that people expect to be driven that's an issue for me, cos you know, I'm gonna drive there myself, taking people in a car is no problem. In most other situations where you do favours for others that's a 2 way street. In the instance of driving it isn't. That can be jarring

It's a basic skill everyone should have

I think it's fine not to drive it's but not fine to expect other people to inconvenience themselves because you don't want to drive🧐
I don't drive for partly because I hate it and partly because it's a good way to get out of doing things I don't want to do.
I have never ever expected anyone to take me anywhere!
All you need to do is refuse OP😊

I do think you were interfering to tell his wife to stop driving him around. Perfectly fine for you to say you aren't available to drive him but then what other arrangements he comes to is his business.

As for "grown men who can't drive", well they're just the same as grown women who can't drive - completely up to them.

@moita thank you! My neurologist is really aware that I want to drive and this is my priority so working hard to find a solution.

I didn’t realise that some (hopefully very few) non drivers were so needy and entitled.

I’m a bit shocked!

I don't get it either, but it's not a male-exclusive thing. Grown women who can't drive and expect ferried everywhere are just as irritating.

But OP you're going to get all these people piling on saying :

1. By not driving they're single-handedly saving the planet.
2. That they live in central London and nobody drives.
3. That they manage perfectly well on the bus/train.

Or that they have a health condition which means that they can't - even though as the OP is talking about her own son, she'll be aware of restrictions and wouldn't have started the thread anyway.

I just think that a lot of non-drivers just don't get how they are making decisions based on their restrictions. They would never dream of planning a day out at a beach or other remote location inaccessible by public transport. It's not that they think "oh it would be lovely to go X place but I can't because there is only one bus a day", they just look at going other places they know they can get to instead.

And then come on here all defensive about non-drivers and how they NEVER expect anyone to give them a lift or pick stuff up or take their choices into consideration and blah blah blah.

Everyone I know who is healthy enough to drive, drives. My 17 year old had a couple of lessons before lockdown and is resuming as soon as he can.

Its not unreasonable for an adult to choose not to learn how to drive... I'm a Londoner & it's very, very common here. People just jump on the tube/bus. I'm 33 & have never once needed a car.

It is however VERY fucking unreasonable to expect others to ferry you around, or to go out of their way in general to accommodate you. Your DS sounds like a spoiled man-child tbh & I doubt his entitled attitude only applies to driving...

The problem is not that he can't drive- I'm a 39 year old woman who can't drive and that does not make me less of an adult, less or a person or some sort of whining advantage taker- it's that he expects others to make up for him not driving.

I do get a bit tired of people who insist that driving is something everyone can do and there is no excuse. I cannot judge distances. I just cannot do it. I cannot reliably 'see' in my head how things will be after something has changed position (like in those IQ tests where you have to picture what the shape will be when rotated- I literally can not do things like that). There is a massive disconnect between my minds eye and my hands, I am the sort of clumsy that makes people wince. Everyone who knows me well agrees the thought of me driving a car is frightening. And even if none of that were true, the cost of driving lessons is eye watering.

I can't imagine being in my 40s and expecting my parents to still be my taxi

I can’t bear drivers who whine about giving lifts, if you don’t want to do it, don’t! OP enabled and then got cross.
My husband doesn’t drive, but as an independent adult, he gets himself places without becoming a burden. Likewise when the children were small, they were fit, and confident with public transport. It’s a choice.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to drive AS LONG AS they make their own alternatives. What is unreasonable are the people who expect drivers to carry them around.

Unfortunately, the OP has raised a man baby by not encouraging/insisting they learned to drive at an early age.

Both me and OH learned to drive and passed our tests at 17. We made sure our DS did the same. It's an essential life skill unless you live in one of the big cities with excellent public transport.

Dp and I don't drive.

We both have the attention span of fleas and whilst I've had many lessons and could probably wing it to pass my test I honestly dont think I'd be safe on the road....... In all honesty if more people accepted the fact they just weren't meant to be drivers there'd be far fewer fatalities on the road. 💁‍♀️

@iswhois

I'm married to one and it is a huge pain.

So was I - -note the was. Had 4 goes at the test but was never really committed to it. 17 years after we split up still doesn't drive.

I personally don't drive because I have bad/slow reflexes and I get distracted easily. I have adhd and don't feel comfortable driving at all.

I think fewer people should drive - not more as many are not meant to drive. Some people are simply just shit drivers and shouldn't be on the road at all.

OP, I do however understand that you don't want you or your daughter in law to be taken advantage of. So you're not not unreasonable in that sense.

No you shouldn't be an unpaid chauffeur and especially not on Tramadol!! People who can't drive don't get how tiring it is so a 7 hour round trip sounds frankly horrific.

@MamaDane

I personally don't drive because I have bad/slow reflexes and I get distracted easily. I have adhd and don't feel comfortable driving at all.

I think fewer people should drive - not more as many are not meant to drive. Some people are simply just shit drivers and shouldn't be on the road at all.

OP, I do however understand that you don't want you or your daughter in law to be taken advantage of. So you're not not unreasonable in that sense.

I would also be a shit driver, so have removed myself from the roads on that basis.

However, I don't take advantage of drivers - I generally get my own taxis when I need to get to places. If anyone insists on offering me a lift and won't take petrol money, I make sure I treat them to a coffee or a meal etc, so I'm definitely not taking advantage.

I get that the OP is frustrated with her son, but she's worded her post as an attack on all non-drivers rather than just her son.

I can drive. I don't like it much though, live in a city so don't really need to and don't own a car in any case (I could probably afford to. I'd rather spend the money on something more useful to me though). Never have since I passed the test my ex husband made me take.

The issue here is that the OPs DS is a selfish arse who expects to be ferried about. Not that some people choose to not drive. My lack of a car impacts no one else, so it's not a problem. I pay for delivery, for large waste collection and make use of trains and busses for distances too far to walk. It's a problem for no one but me, and not a big enough problem for me to want to change anything.

@Chanjer

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh

I think that's unreasonable. The issues arise from imposing on others.

Your thread title IVU. Your problem is with your DS, so tell him.

@Chanjer

Agree totally that being ABLE to drive is important and a life skill.

When I nagged/tried to persuade DP to learn to drive, I honestly didn't expect him to take over the driving, just pick up a bit of the slack from time to time and I made that clear. It didn't make any difference. I suppose it was a case of 'why have a dog and bark yourself?'. Maybe I should have made life a bit less easy for him!

As others have said it's not the non driving that's the issue, it's the entitled attitude.
I'm 40, can't drive. Tried, failed several times. Poured thousands into it.
Never been unemployed, don't rely on others (well buses and taxis maybe, and good old shank's pony!) To get around.
Managed to bring up a child who is alive, has done clubs and other activities, is healthy and active.
I have holidays and activities of my own.
Can't remember the last time I got in a car that wasn't a taxi.
I don't ask for lifts or expect them from my driving friends/family. There are alternatives to owning and driving a car and I use them because I'm a grown up who has responsibility for themselves. And no, I don't live in London either.

People who don't drive and expect lifts all the time usually expect other things too that they should be doing themselves.
Only one thing more annoying than the above is those who think everyone who doesn't drive needs to 'have a word with themselves' or that they're all just lazy and entitled just because they don't drive.
People are more than just their mode of transportation.

if he can afford it and done th lessons i dont understand why he cant try a test even once

my dh doesnt drive but never learnt either i only passed at 32-he gets the train to work i dont mind driving on social occasions because i dont drink i woulsnt be ferrying him everywhere

@Chanjer

Anyone who can't drive needs to have a word with themselves tbh

Presume you actually mean doesn't drive from choice. DS can't drive due to LD. Not much point having a word with himself in the circs.