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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband let child get sunburnt

299 replies

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:40

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

OP posts:
moita · 20/07/2020 02:45

14?! Fair enough a 4 year old but she has to take some responsibility at that age. My sister had a baby two years older than her...maybe this will be a lesson for her.

Leaannb · 20/07/2020 02:45

Your daughter is 14. More than old enough to handle this and to deal with the very natural consequences

lukasiak · 20/07/2020 02:45

She's 14, she's a big girl. More than old enough to know the sun burns and chuck a hat and cream on. If not, more than old enough to endure the consequences of that choice. And at 14, it is a choice.

9PointsOnMyLicence · 20/07/2020 02:46

14 year old gets sunburn while playing archery.

Get a grip. It ain't your husband's fault.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 20/07/2020 02:48

Sorry op, but if she was a toddler then fair game be pissed at dh. But 14? I'd say this is on her.

lukasiak · 20/07/2020 02:48

Bloody hell, I am anal about sun care, but I'm not chasing my thirteen year old to put a hat and cream on. After a gentle reminder, the choice is hers to live with.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/07/2020 02:53

At 14 she is accountable for her own actions. She didn't put suncream on or wear a hat, she suffers with sunburn - lesson learned.

Original poster
ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:56

Really surprised at the response so far, DD just isn't capable of making decisions for herself like this and DH knows that. Yes at 14 I had hoped she would grow up a bit, but both DH and I know she has not. She has a history of silly unsafe decision making that leads to injury e.g going out without adequate clothing on kayaking trips leading to a hospital visit for hyperthermia , not bothering to tie her hair back and it literally getting burnt on a BBQ. I do my best to literally spell stuff out before she leaves but for whatever reason it is on deaf ears. I just hoped that having her father there would at least curb her irresponsibility because he, as her parent, would be literally there with her looking out for her. Yes I agree she should assume responsibility but if she is unable to do that then having a parent there should surely counteract that?

OP posts:
Loveinatimeofcovid · 20/07/2020 02:59

No, constantly telling her what to do isn’t going to teach her how to manage risks. Unless she has some developmental delays YABVU babying her like this, it will only exacerbate the problem.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/07/2020 03:01

Maybe she is so used to people looking out for her that she hasn't learned how to take responsibility for herself?

She could leave home in 2 years time, she needs to learn how to look after herself and how to be safe.

You're doing her no favours by spoon feeding her.

lukasiak · 20/07/2020 03:02

@ReddyHell

Really surprised at the response so far, DD just isn't capable of making decisions for herself like this and DH knows that. Yes at 14 I had hoped she would grow up a bit, but both DH and I know she has not. She has a history of silly unsafe decision making that leads to injury e.g going out without adequate clothing on kayaking trips leading to a hospital visit for hyperthermia , not bothering to tie her hair back and it literally getting burnt on a BBQ. I do my best to literally spell stuff out before she leaves but for whatever reason it is on deaf ears. I just hoped that having her father there would at least curb her irresponsibility because he, as her parent, would be literally there with her looking out for her. Yes I agree she should assume responsibility but if she is unable to do that then having a parent there should surely counteract that?
The reason she's like that is because you and your husband blame each other when she fucks up. You're babying her. At 14, she's mentally developed enough to apply her own suncream. She should've been mature enough at 8 to do it. At 14, my oldest was living on the other side of the world from me. I'm just trying to imagine the reaction had I called up his host parents and yelled at them because he got a sunburn.
9PointsOnMyLicence · 20/07/2020 03:03

I'm sorry OP, but you really need to hold up a mirror and stop blaming everyone else.

k1233 · 20/07/2020 03:03

No, I think you're wrong. How will your daughter learn if you don't let her make mistakes. She has no need to be responsible as you are doing that for her. You need to give her a safe place to fail. You remind her about suncare but the onus is on her to actually do it. If she doesn't she suffers the natural consequence of getting sun burn.

If you continue to do her thinking for her, what will happen when she leaves home? Your role as a parent is to raise her to become independent and make good decisions. Learning to make good decisions includes learning from mistakes.

wombat1a · 20/07/2020 03:04

Over the top her OP, she's 14, he told her to wear the hat, she kept taking it off. This is on her not your DH. This may well be a good lesson for her in the long run to take more responsibility herself and not rely on you.

"I just hoped that having her father there would at least curb her irresponsibility because he, as her parent, would be literally there with her looking out for her. Yes I agree she should assume responsibility but if she is unable to do that then having a parent there should surely counteract that?"

And that is your problem there, having a parent around does not absolve your DD from her own personal responsibility.

PatricksRum · 20/07/2020 03:04

Is she NT OP?

JaneJack23 · 20/07/2020 03:07

Your daughter is old enough to take care of herself!

alexdgr8 · 20/07/2020 03:07

i too am surprised at the responses here.
this is not like a teenager not doing her homework and being kept it for detention at school.
this could be life and death. and the effect is likely to be decades after the cause. so it's a lot for a youngster to take on board. even many grown ups are careless about the real risks of skin cancer.
and i agree your husband needs to step up and protect her, and help her to protect herself. he is probably ignorant of the real dangers.
perhaps you could look out some short videos about skin cancer.
maybe different ones for your husband and daughter. try to talk about it at the right time, when they are more likely to be receptive.
good luck.

rvby · 20/07/2020 03:08

Yabu, I'd be slightly annoyed at dh in your situation, but I wouldn't actually blame him.

She is 14. She should be more than able to care for her skin, especially as a redhead - if she is actively "unable" to prevent sunburn at her age, you have bigger problems than sunburn.

I burned badly when I was 13, i was a bit annoyed with my parents for not warning/instructing me (first trip to tropics) but ever since I've been diligent regarding sun cream. The lesson has to be learned somehow.

Original poster
ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 03:08

Eh? I'm not constantly telling her what to do at all. I encourage her to do things, leave her to fail (often) because she hasn't planned ahead (including in the last year: failing her grade three piano exams because despite being very good she just didn't bother to practice, missing at least two project deadlines and being put in detention, her lost PE kit which she claimed had been "taken" turning up under her bed resulting in missing matches of her beloved sport because I hadn't "babied" her by searching for it myself). She has had ample opportunity to fail and learn and has not done so. I do think that's beside the point anyway.
I just wouldn't watch my child get injured over the course of the day and do nothing in order to teach them a lesson. And I hoped my DH wouldn't either.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 20/07/2020 03:10

Maybe now she is burned (& that hurts!), she will learn a lesson. It's time she did at 14 unless she has SEN or something and it doesn't sound like it.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/07/2020 03:15

OP I'm with you! 14 or not, your DH should have ensured she wore sufficient sunblock, which he clearly didn't if she got that burnt.

The hat is probably a little different - he should have reminded her, if she didn't wear it, he tops up sunblock & makes a judgment on how much time they've been out & comes home if necessary.

I've a 13 yo DD. It absolutely is my responsibility to ensure she is kept safe in situations like this - nothing like other situations where she can be allowed to 'fail' as PPs have suggested.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 20/07/2020 03:16

Maybe it's time to stop all these activities if she can't deal with self care. Make her prove herself and earn these things.

I really hope you didn't tell your dh off in front of your dd. If you did, what you have done is far worse than his perceived slights.

Original poster
ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 03:16

She's hasnt got developmental delays and is More Able and Talented at school.
I worry more about her than my other two daughters who are not More Able because she utterly lacks common sense like this. Her younger sister cooks, looks after horses and guinea-pigs alone but my 14 DD is blind to responsibility and often has chats with me about how she regrets not planning ahead, and wishes she had done the work etc. She's a lovely, bright kind funny girl who is now suffering with cold compress and paracetamol. I'm up looking out for her and DH is asleep.

OP posts:
wildone84 · 20/07/2020 03:22

I agree that your DH should have taken more responsibility. Unfortunately men do not notice these things so well.

wildone84 · 20/07/2020 03:24

I got quite sunburned myself a couple of weeks ago. It is horrible. I couldn't sleep properly for 2 days afterwards...I got very hot and feverish. Fortunately I noticed after about 45 mins in the sun that I was quite uncomfortable, otherwise I would have ended up with worse sunburn.

I don't think I would have noticed it if I had been 14. I agree parents need to be looking out for these things.