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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband let child get sunburnt

299 replies

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:40

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

OP posts:
DeeTractor · 20/07/2020 03:41

Unless there's a massive drip feed coming about abou why a teenager is "incapable of making these kinds of decisions" then it's her own bloody fault. If a 14 year old doesn't want to wear a hat/suncream then that's up to them. The consequence of that is sunburn. Lesson learned.

DressingGownofDoom · 20/07/2020 03:47

'DD just isn't capable of making decisions for herself like this and DH knows that. Yes at 14 I had hoped she would grow up a bit, but both DH and I know she has not. She has a history of silly unsafe decision making that leads to injury'

Because you treat her like a baby. You have to let her suffer the consequences to learn the lesson sometimes.

FortunesFave · 20/07/2020 03:56

I have two dds aged 15 and 12. They're both crap at things like this.

They SHOULD know better but they don't practice this. I showed them images of what happens to people's noses when they get cancer. That's helped a bit. OP I advise you do the same.

StoppinBy · 20/07/2020 04:00

I was prepared to flame your husband for letting your child get burnt...... but

She's 14!!! Old enough to have had sun safety drummed in to her by now.

That being said, as a parent I w would still be reminding her to put sunscreen on and telling her to stand in the shade if she won't.

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 04:02

I really don't see that I am treating her "like a baby". How?
As I've said, she has a history of being actually physically harmed by not either following advice or by not seeing the consequences. I have also allowed her to fail on lots of occasions to try and help her understand consequences etc. I couldn't care less about the missed homework, exams etc but exactly how much harm do I need let her come to before it's not seen as "babying"?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 20/07/2020 04:06

OP you didn't watch your child get burned. Your 14yo DD didn't take responsibility for herself in the sun despite your effort.
It's tough growing up. Some young people insist on learning the hard way. Let it be.

steff13 · 20/07/2020 04:11

If she hasn't learned this stuff in 14 years, perhaps it's time to take a different tack. The reminders and reinforcement of making her do it clearly isn't working. She'll be an adult in a few years, and you won't be there to remind her to wear sunscreen or a coat or whatever.

CrumpetyTea · 20/07/2020 04:11

wildone84 what a ridiculous and sexist comment- some men don't and generally part of it is they are allowed to get away with it - its like saying men don't notice mess and dirt...Grr!
OP - whilst it would be nice/helpful if your DH noticed - I don't understand why you don't hold your daughter to blame as well- its not a as if she wasn't told to put her hat on -she chose to take it off-she has deliberately done something stupid which is different from not remembering the sensible thing

HeyHoLetsGoAgain · 20/07/2020 04:11

"As I've said, she has a history of being actually physically harmed by not either following advice or by not seeing the consequences"

Don't you take any responsibility for this, or is it always somebody elses fault?

DeeTractor · 20/07/2020 04:11

" I couldn't care less about the missed homework, exams etc but exactly how much harm do I need let her come to before it's not seen as "babying"?"

You don't care about her not bothering with her schoolwork/ attending exams but your husband is a shit parent because of a bit of sunburn?

vikingwife · 20/07/2020 04:30

As an Aussie am struggling with the hysteria over a sunburn. The description of the child sitting with a cold compress & a paracetamol like she’s just been through a war did make me chuckle. This would be an event you’re not likely to repeat as it’s uncomfortable, but unless she is nauseous & vomiting (is proper sunstroke which this does not sound like) it wouldn’t ruin a fun a day of archery.

Having your hair burnt on a bbq is not “coming to harm” - she singed her hair, have you never leant too close to a candle and singed your hair?

You sound really precious. I’m surprised you haven’t encouraged your redhead/pale skinned daughter to develop a good skincare routine which involves a daily sunscreen - she should be wearing a sunscreen daily, regardless of the season and reapply it during the day. This would go a long way, if she can understand she has to take care of her pale skin to protect it.

The OP keeps clapping back, which makes me think she just wants to rant about the ex husband but didn’t actually want to be told she was being unreasonable.

Am pretty shocked that at age 14 they are still being babied this way. Some people who are booksmart do lack common sense, but the solution is to guide them to becoming responsible, not blaming everyone else around him.

If a 14 year old doesn’t want to wear their hat & they refuse, at what point is it ok to say “ok up to you, don’t come crying to me when your sunburn stings!” And let them deal with it?

The only way we learn is through consequence. It’s a disservice to this teen to not place blame squarely on her shoulders, so she will remember her sunblock in future.

As it stands, she still doesn’t have to remember because it’s mummy & daddy’s responsibility to remind her.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 20/07/2020 04:43

You’re martyishly sitting up with a 14 year old at 3am because she has a bit of sunburn and yet claim you don’t baby her?

SD1978 · 20/07/2020 04:45

Sorry that it's not going as you'd hoped on your post- but at 14 she should be taking responsibility- she's had hypothermia and been burned at a barbecue and still doesn't......she should be the one being talked to about personal accountability, as very shortly she will be doing more activities not supervised and will continue to have injuries at this rate.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 20/07/2020 04:48

Not the point but am envious you're somewhere it's possible to get sunburnt. Can't remember the last time that happened here in Cumbria.

Bluemoooon · 20/07/2020 04:56

For things like sun damaged skin which results in possible skin cancer 40 years later I think you are quite right to lecture her . And DH is lazy.
It's a pain to have to nag people but needs to be done - there's a serious future health risk.
Do people allow teens to get fat or take no exercise because they are considered old enough to know best??

Pixxie7 · 20/07/2020 05:04

She sounds very irresponsible, your husband not so much. Agree with pp sunburn hurts so hopefully she will learn. She needs to learn that actions have consequences and not blame others.

PhilCornwall1 · 20/07/2020 05:06

I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

Guess we failed as parents on Friday then. Youngest who is 13 went down the beach and forgot to take his sun cream, face and legs like a sodding beetroot now.

He won't make that mistake again, he'll learn. At 13 he knows to put the stuff on and has some, so should have taken it.

Guess him and his mates sacked off "homeschooling" that day too.

Looks like we failed on "affirmative" action on both counts there. He'll live.

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 05:24

She's a lovely, bright kind funny girl who is now suffering with cold compress and paracetamol. I'm up looking out for her and DH is asleep.

If she's bright and NT, she needs to learn the hard way at some point that her parents won't always be there to make up for her lack of "common sense". It's a lazy response from a child who's used to having people do things for her and not having to worry about it.

Also FWIW, she's got sunburn not a broken limb, why the hell are you up with her "suffering" in the middle of the night? She can get her own paracetamol (if she actually needs it which I'm a bit Confused about for sunburn in the first place), put some aftersun on and go to bed. Of course your DH is asleep, so would I be!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 05:25

Really surprised at the response so far, DD just isn't capable of making decisions for herself like this and DH knows that.

What? She's 14 with no special needs. Stop treating her like a baby and maybe she'll mature. The fact that you feel your 14 year old daughter bears no personal responsibility is alarming.

Destroyedpeople · 20/07/2020 05:26

Why are people even dragging their children around on activities when it's hot?
Mad dogs an English men and all that. You can't compare it with Australia because I expect people stay in there at midday at least as they are used to it.
Pus there isn't a massive hole in the ozone layer there so less burning.

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 05:26

@WinterAndRoughWeather

You’re martyishly sitting up with a 14 year old at 3am because she has a bit of sunburn and yet claim you don’t baby her?
Far more succinctly put than I managed, but this 100%
Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 20/07/2020 05:28

From the title I thought this was going to be about a toddler.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 05:29

She's a lovely, bright kind funny girl who is now suffering with cold compress and paracetamol. I'm up looking out for her and DH is asleep.

FFS. She's not going to wither and die. Now is a good time to let her deal with the consequences of her own choices.

ZombieFan · 20/07/2020 05:29

Definitely sounds like you are babying your 14 yo. You need to stop to being so controlling and stop blaming her father.

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 20/07/2020 05:30

Why are you staying up "looking after" a 14 yr old who got sunburn?!

Your family life sounds utterly bizarre.