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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband let child get sunburnt

299 replies

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:40

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

OP posts:
PhilCornwall1 · 20/07/2020 05:31

You’re martyishly sitting up with a 14 year old at 3am because she has a bit of sunburn and yet claim you don’t baby her?

Definitely this. All she's learning from this is, "mother is sat up with me at 3am, feeding me painkillers and mopping my brow, so I can make the same mistake next time and she'll bail me out".

Sod that, she's old enough to pop a paracetamol and bang a cold flannel on her sunburn herself, whilst you get a nights sleep.

madwoman1ntheattic · 20/07/2020 05:32

My then 14 yo got full thickness burns on both legs from not applying sun cream on a kayak trip 🙄 I had to collect her from the camp and take her to the hospital for treatment and dressings and had to provide burn care for two weeks (she did a really good job of destroying both shins).
It was her own stupid fault. She put sunscreen everywhere else and forgot her legs because she assumed they would be covered by the boat.
She’s 16 now. She won’t do it again 😬
(And no I didn’t sit up with her at 3 am lol. That’s madness.)

Destroyedpeople · 20/07/2020 05:35

14 is definitely a bit old to stay up looking after. Unless ofc she was really ill. Which she isn't.
OP I got a bad sunburn when I was 20 and haven't done so since. She won't do it again.
You do -NOT need to spend the night looking after her ffs.

Destroyedpeople · 20/07/2020 05:36

Honestly I think I was 6 with a severed artery the last time my mother stayed up all night for me.

ZombieFan · 20/07/2020 05:42

Why are you up looking after her at 3 am? Weird, she is 14!

Yaottie · 20/07/2020 05:44

She's not that bright if she keeps making all these terrible mistakes is she? My family lived in a hot country from when I was about 10 for a few years, used to do my own suncream. Don't remember ever getting that burnt that my mummy had to look after me at 3am.

Do you micromanage all your family members to this extent?

sunbunnydownunder · 20/07/2020 05:54

You are being ridiculous, I have a 13 and 10 year old, the 10 year old is quite fair with reddish hair and manages to put on his own sun cream before he leaves the house. We are in Australia and once the kids are primary school age they are expected to put their own cream on at school etc. The 13 year old is a bit rebellious about his sun cream but doesn't burn easily so its more about teaching him the dangers of sun exposure then the immediate consequences of a burn.

Tlollj · 20/07/2020 05:58

I’m a pale skinned red head. One of the first things I learnt was to wear a hat and stay in the shade.
Your dd does need to take responsibility, but I have to say I’d be a bit pissed off if my dh didn’t remind her of it.

vikingwife · 20/07/2020 06:03

@Tlollj the OP says the husband did remind her, but she refused.

Blackdog19 · 20/07/2020 06:05

Why are you still up with her now? Your dd really should take some responsibility herself and I don’t think you’re doing her any favours by blaming your dh. It’s just absolving dd of any responsibility

user1486915549 · 20/07/2020 06:06

Don’t you think she might be rebelling against your
constant smothering ?
You are getting a hard time on here. But the fact we are all bemused by the way you treat a 14 year old should make you stop and think.
Instead you just disagree with us all.
Maybe that’s what frustrates your 14 year old. I would have been disobedient at 14 too if I had been treated like a baby. Yes , I know it’s cutting off your nose to spite your face but that’s what teenagers do.

Ohtherewearethen · 20/07/2020 06:13

Hyperthermia is when the body gets too hot - surely your teenager should recognise if she is too hot and take steps to remove some clothing or cool herself down or do you have to monitor her temperature and her when she's not comfortable/too hot/too cold?
I'd be quite surprised if a parent of a 14 year old bundled them into the car and took them home because they refused to wear their hat on a day out - that is really what you do with a toddler not a 14 year old. It seems that she has to learn consequences in order to become more responsible in the future. If you really can't trust your husband then I guess it's up to you to take your teenager on days out/activities and have the baby bag ready with suncream, snacks, water, changes of clothes, thermometer, etc until she leaves home.

Savingshoes · 20/07/2020 06:25

A burnt child is an abused child. You and your DH are unlikely to be around when the skin damage truly affects her... She'll be well into adulthood and could develop skin cancer.

DorisLessingsCat · 20/07/2020 06:32

I simply cannot get my head round people thinking that a 14 year old needs that much looking after.

Something is seriously wrong in your family dynamic if an NT 14 yo is so wilful and unthinking to refuse to wear a hat or put on sunscreen when out in the sun.

Your anger should be at your daughter for putting herself in harm's way, not your DH.

Are there any consequences for her when she does stupid and dangerous things?

birthdaybelle · 20/07/2020 06:32

What happens when she's out without either of you and it's sunny?

rwalker · 20/07/2020 06:34

She's 14 she needs to learn and take responsabilty for herself . So what has she learnt from today is she can ignore you and your husband get the blame not her. Sorry but find you actions far worse than your husbands

PanickingAtDiscos · 20/07/2020 06:34

A burnt child is an abused child

A 14 year old who has been given access to sun cream and a hat, and has been informed about the dangers, told and reminded to wear both but has decided not to, is not an abused child!

Lobsterquadrille2 · 20/07/2020 06:37

Afraid I agree with everyone else and I re-read your OP as I assumed your child was 14 months rather than years old. If a 14 year old "wouldn't keep her hat on", she must suffer the consequences as it's entirely her own fault (unless there are other issues but you say not).

My own mother micromanaged my life such that leaving home at 18 for university was a massive shock ("how do I cope without her?!"). It really doesn't help children who are only a few years off being adults to grow up at a normal rate.

clearedfortakeoff · 20/07/2020 06:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 06:39

A burnt child is an abused child

She's a teenager who thinks she knows best that's a world away from an abused child who isn't able to stop the situation.

This 'child' is 14 years old. She is more than capable of wearing a hat, drinking lots of water, sitting in the shade and asking for and applying suncream. She was even reminded to fo so but thought she knew better.

I'm staggered some people can throw the word abused around so liberally. Hmm

Pleasenodont · 20/07/2020 06:41

At 14 she should know to apply sun cream herself.

DownThePlath · 20/07/2020 06:42

A burnt child is an abused child
Jesus wept. She's a 14 year old who refused to keep her own hat on. I'm sure she'll be okay Hmm

OP - grow up. Your dh didn't do it to "teach her a lesson", he did it because he wasn't willing to run around after a 14 year old day telling her to keep her hat on after reminding her the first time. You asked if you were bu, everyone's telling you you are, maybe accept it?

Brefugee · 20/07/2020 06:43

I agree that your DH should have taken more responsibility. Unfortunately men do not notice these things so well.

it is this (and "boys will be boys") that will make me give up on mumsnet. Why do people constantly spout such drivel?

devildeepbluesea · 20/07/2020 06:44

Good lord.

I'm not sure I'd baby my 7 year old so much, let alone a 14 year old. DD already gets possible consequences of some actions explained to her and, if she decides to go ahead anyway gets no sympathy when said consequences ensue. Guess what? She never does it a second time. And she's been putting on her own sun cream since the age of 5.

When she's14 it probably wouldn't even occur to me to remind her.

notasillysausage · 20/07/2020 06:45

I used to live abroad in a hot country. From around the age of 8, it was my responsibility to put sunblock and hat on. If I got burned, it was me that suffered, I learnt consequences. You have a NT 14 year old, the blame lays firmly at her feet. She is 14 not 4!