Husband let child get sunburnt

[ReddyHell]

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

@endofthelinefinally - yes, which is why I suggested she might have ADHD or similar. I agree with you.

I don't agree, however, that sunscreen is needed all year round in the UK. That's more likely to cause health problems than otherwise. www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/how-to-get-vitamin-d-from-sunlight/
In the winter in the UK, UVB is not strong enough to activate melanocytes, and is therefore unlikely to cause any skin damage unless you're out in the sun all day, and even then it's unlikely between October and March in the UK.
Unless you suffer from a serious skin condition, like albinism or xeroderma pigmentosum, small doses of sunshine to activate vitamin D conversion are beneficial.
Burning is not beneficial to anyone, ever.

she is 4 years off being an adult. and so far, she has a long way to grow still. and you are doing her an enormous disservice by babying her still, at 14 years of age. let her make her own faults and then deal with the consequences. her dad is not the one that was responsible. neither are you. she is.

all you can do is tell her: PUT ON SUNSCREEN. then: it is her responsibility. and putting an icepack etc on her and going to her at 3am.... is teaching her. well.... absolutely nothing. and blaming your husband would have been fine, if your kid was 4 perhaps. but not anymore at 14.

I am going to go against the grain here and say that I don't think this 14 year old does sound neurotypical

because she is 14 and she doesn't listen to her mum ? or doesn't realise that things come with consequences? mmm sounds like a typical teenager to me.

looking into putting labels on people is not the way to go. lets first look at taking responsibility for your own actions. and deal with them. which obviously this kid has never learned because she has OP for a mum.

if anything, you should be looking at OP not being 'neurotypical'.

@endofthelinefinally
@ThumbWitchesAbroad

How do people think they are qualified to diagnose a child, who they have never met, with adhd or austism over the internet. That is just barking mad! Even an educational psychologist wouldn’t give a possible diagnosis without having met the child numerous times.

Also it’s doing a major disservice to those with autism or ADHD If every time a child displays some kind of behaviour that others feel isn’t ‘normal’ to loosely through those terms at the behaviour.

She’s 14. It’s her own bloody fault.

I am also with you OP. Though it should be her responsibility, I couldn't spend a day with my child watching them get sunburned, and not intervening on the basis that it would be babying them. I would be irritated with my husband, cross with my daughter, and upset my child was burned. However, if you have always enforced sun cream, it may be a good lesson for her on why it is so important.

Please stop saying it must be autism or ADHD. My DS is a redhead with ASD, and is very able to remember and apply sun cream. He’s 3. The fact you are sitting up at night because your 14 year old has a bit of sunburn speaks volumes about why she is the way she is. If you’re going to smother her and parent her like she’s a toddler then you can’t be surprised when she acts like one.

No one is saying "it must be ASD or ADHD" - we're merely suggesting it as a possibility. Not diagnosing it either - just mentioning it AS A POSSIBILITY.

I have aspergers and I always remembered to use sun cream as a teenager!

Yeah it feels horrible when it goes on but tough shit. Like seatbelts and face masks - you crack on because it’s the safe thing to do.

The fact you are sitting up at night because your 14 year old has a bit of sunburn speaks volumes about why she is the way she is.
Yep

@choli

The fact you are sitting up at night because your 14 year old has a bit of sunburn speaks volumes about why she is the way she is. Yep

This entirely. Many fourteen year olds are out in parks or at the beach without adults. Some are drinking and smoking. Some are having sex but you’re fretting excessively about a bit of sunburn. She’ll survive just fine.

I read through the first few posts and wanted to suggest ASD or ADHD too - and that's as someone with both. I was so like this when I was young and had so many miserable problems which I could have been helped with. I hope the OP does catch some of this discussion in case its not been suggested before.

Yes it's a huge spectrum but girls and women are especially underdiagnosed, so I always think its worth flagging as a possibility when it seems like one. That's not the same as confidently diagnosing though or saying that ALL autistic and adhd people have these problems.

I am not diagnosing this young girl at all.
I am not even basing my suggestion/ thoughts on the sunscreen debacle.
Everything else the OP said in her first few posts rang bells with me. That is all.
There is really no need for others to get so angry about a mild suggestion to consider if something else might be worth considering.

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@endofthelinefinally
@ThumbWitchesAbroad

How do people think they are qualified to diagnose a child, who they have never met, with adhd or austism over the internet. That is just barking mad! Even an educational psychologist wouldn’t give a possible diagnosis without having met the child numerous times.

Also it’s doing a major disservice to those with autism or ADHD If every time a child displays some kind of behaviour that others feel isn’t ‘normal’ to loosely through those terms at the behaviour.[/quote]
Someone always suggests ASD on every thread about every child, ever.

14?! Do you mean 4? YABU.

My DS is a redhead with ASD, and is very able to remember and apply sun cream.

I have aspergers and I always remembered to use sun cream as a teenager!

Oh well. There's no way any child with ASD could have an issue with it then is there? How wonderful. I'll tell my redheaded DD with ASD that she has clearly been getting sunburnt on purpose when she's forgotten to apply sunblock and she will just start remembering.

When she was 12, we made a point of letting her learn from natural consequences of not organising herself. It didn't work. She wasn't able to function like other 12 year olds and suffered badly as a result. few months later, she fell to pieces, was referred to CAMHS and was diagnosed with ASD. Up until that point, I could easily have been in the OP's shoes and, if I'd described her on MN, anyone suggesting we consider ASD would probably have been shouted down and accused of armchair diagnosing.

I would have appreciated someone suggesting I looked into ASD earlier in her life. I could have saved us all sorts of heartache. For that reason, I will suggest it gently to parents who post on MN, are struggling to understand their child's behaviour and could possibly find it helpful.

Someone always suggests ASD on every thread about every child, ever.

People regularly suggest ASD on threads where parents have explored every avenue they can think of and are still struggling to work out what is happening for their child. That's probably because ASD is more common than most people realise, parents often haven't realised it can present subtly and the posters concerned have recognised something they have seen in their own child with ASD.

There aren't many threads on MN that are about NT children behaving in easily understood NT ways, presumably beacuse their parents aren't often at their wits' end trying to work out how to help them.

As soon as they're at secondary I'd say they've got to be responsible for things like applying own suncream,. the teachers will not remind them
SO down to parents to educate child IMHO

Very bad that he let this happen. I’m surprised at all the posters saying YABU. Of course it’s his responsibility.
As a fellow redhead who had skin cancer in my 20s, I now know that it’s sunburns sustained in childhood that do the most damage. Your ex has to realise this.
Please watch your lovely daughter’s moles and teach her to keep an eye on anything suspicious.

@ferntwist

Very bad that he let this happen. I’m surprised at all the posters saying YABU. Of course it’s his responsibility. As a fellow redhead who had skin cancer in my 20s, I now know that it’s sunburns sustained in childhood that do the most damage. Your ex has to realise this. Please watch your lovely daughter’s moles and teach her to keep an eye on anything suspicious.

This

People seem to be missing the point here. It’s not about whether she’s in pain and being comforted, it’s about the fact that her actions in the sun in the care of her father were dangerous to her health.
Yes she’s 14 and should be responsible for her actions but she’s clearly unaware of the dangers of the sun as is the DH! There can be huge differences in 14 year olds in terms of development and maturity. She had another 4 years before she’s able to vote etc and is still a child in the eyes of the law. This is not the 1980s where we went out topping up our tans and sunburn was an uncomfortable consequence of a hot summer’s day. We are now more aware of the risk of skin cancer, especially for very fair skinned people with ginger hair. Teenagers are sometimes not fully aware of these dangers but adults should be. I would say that it is her father’s duty to remind her to protect herself in the sun as a 14 year old in his care. I would also sit her down and explain the dangers because she may not be aware.

She's 14! One of my friends moved out at 16, lived in his own flat, managed everything, did his laundry etc.

How on earth is she not capable of making decisions for herself like this? It involves putting sunscreen on. I honestly don't understand. I'd understand if this was a toddler or primary school aged child, but it's a 14 year old. She needs to start taking responsibility otherwise her life will be affected by more than sunburn.

Also, what I'm concerned about is what she will have learned from this is - Dad failed, Dad should have made sure I had sun screen on etc. SO it repeats.

@Baws I think he did remind her, if you read the OP he says she refused to keep her hat on, not she forgottoput her hat on. FWIW I think that the OPs dd is now more aware of the need to protect herself from the sun.