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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband let child get sunburnt

299 replies

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:40

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

OP posts:

Looneytune253 · 20/07/2020 07:55

Wow my eldest has had control of her own suncream application for a good few years. Even my 10 year old will apply her own with a little prompt, sometimes without a reminder. At 14 your dd should defo take responsibility herself. Sounds like a hard lesson to learn and if she is as burned as you say, I doubt she'll do it again.

vikingwife · 20/07/2020 07:57

I don’t think the OP is coming back...

To me the English are both known for their great porcelain skin and also love of tanning beds. When living in LDN 2005/6 never saw so many advertisements for local tanning bed studios in my life! Hope it’s changed since then.

The last sunburn I got was on Manly beach around age 20 when thought a tan was cool & experimented with SPF factor 2 (yes 2) on a blazing hot summer’s day with no beach umbrella.

I tend to think silly teens/young adults only need to get a proper sunburn a few times before they “get it”. Is it possible the daughter was intentionally trying to tan? Because with her complexion she should know by now she needs to take extra precautions.

To be honest I would have thought living in a rural region would have more inherent dangers than getting a sunburn - when I think rural living, evokes imagery of peaceful rolling fields surrounded by snakes, spiders & kicking horses, leeches in lakes etc...

vikingwife · 20/07/2020 07:57

And to those who say a leech is not a danger just watch the parasite doco about the one that went in someone’s nose during a trip to Nepal

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 07:57

@TheOrigBrave

Well you'd expect your DH to say "no hat or sun cream then no archery" but it seems like he's incapable of being a parent.

With this knowledge I'm surprised you were happy to let them go out together.

Ok so he says no suncream or hat no archery and the most likely outcome is she says fuck off and goes and does the activity regardless. What does he do then? Is he meant to pick her up and take her home like a toddler. Should he get instructors to not let her participate most likely leading to her sitting in the sun having a strop?

Shes almost an adult, at some point the OP will have to stop treating her like a toddler and let her realise that sometimes she doesn't know best and that her actions may have sever consequences.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 20/07/2020 07:57

You’re sitting up at 3am with paracetamol and a cold compress for a 14 year old with sunburn and you’re trying to convince us that you don’t baby her? Hahaha

midnightstar66 · 20/07/2020 07:58

I don’t think the OP is coming back...

Maybe she saw sense and went to bed instead of sitting up minding a teenager with a bit of sunburn

TimeIhadaNameChange · 20/07/2020 07:59

I got sunburn at that age on a day or with my mum. We didn't take lotion with us (never did) and although friends offered I refused saying is be OK. I wasn't, but I learnt for next time, as your daughter should.

MrsNoah2020 · 20/07/2020 07:59

As an aside, you shouldn't be relying on sunblock if she is out in the sun all day, anyway. She should have been covered up, as well as applying sunblock before leaving home and, ideally, re-applying it every couple of hours when out. If she is forgetful, it's easier to teach her to wear a loose shirt or tunic, than to rely on her remembering to re-apply sunblock when she is occupied with something else.

Lots of Brits assume 'sunblock, job done'. No - if you live in a hot country, you know to cover up too.

BillywilliamV · 20/07/2020 08:02

My 14yo got burnt on a bike trip last week, I gave her cream to take with her. She's hopefully learnt her lesson.. !

wanderings · 20/07/2020 08:02

If she's doing archery, is she being reminded to make sure there isn't a living person between her bow, and the target?

(I remember being a bit shocked as a child to learn that people did archery and shooting as sports, with such deadly weapons!)

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 08:02

[quote strawberrypip]@TinySleepThief respectfully, either you were a teen a long time ago or you were unusual. the thought of loosing money/my phone/the internet/time with my friends certainly would of hit me harder at 14 then the thought of getting sunburn. like I said many dont take sunburn seriously - unfortunately I was the same as a teen.[/quote]
Not that long ago at all actually and not that unusual. If teens think they are in the right then no amount of threats are going to make them reconsider, they are stubborn and think they know it all. All I'm saying is she wouldn't have been likely to back down even with the threat of no phone as she thought she was in the right. Therefore i don't see what the DH could have done to force her to comply.

Redwinestillfine · 20/07/2020 08:03

Hopefully this will help your dad grow up. Life lessons and all that. I really don't think this one's on your DH. I expect my 8 year old to apply her own suncream etc.

millymollymoomoo · 20/07/2020 08:06

God, no amount of nagging would get my 13 year olds to wear a sun hat
At 14 they’re perfectly capable of being responsible for their own sun protection - perhaps now they got burnt they’ll do better next time

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/07/2020 08:07

If your daughter does not have the common sense to look after herself then maybe you should buy the Factor 50 sunblock that you only need to apply once a day - that way you can apply it all over her, for her, before she leaves the house?

As for the hat - unless you plan on using super glue to make her keep it on then you’ll just have to let her make her own mistakes.

Nixen · 20/07/2020 08:10

I’m waiting for the drip feed about SEN but a neurotypical 14 yo should be able to do this alone. Sounds like you’ve pandered to her and haven’t taught her independence. So both you and your DH ABU

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 20/07/2020 08:10

Regardless of whether she should/ shouldn’t have taken responsibility for herself, the fact is she wasn’t so your DH should have taken action. Letting her live and learn would be not bothering to do her homework. You can’t take a chance on something like sunburn. Just one incident increases the risk of skin cancer. With such fair skin she really can’t afford to burn, ever.

PanickingAtDiscos · 20/07/2020 08:11

If she has a history of "silly unsafe decision making" then why is she being encouraged to do archery?

PurpleDaisies · 20/07/2020 08:12

Yes I agree she should assume responsibility but if she is unable to do that then having a parent there should surely counteract that?

She is not “unable to do that”. You’re making excuses for a totally normal fourteen year old deciding to ignore their parent and suffering the consequences. This is on your DD, not your ex.

pregnancydiet · 20/07/2020 08:12

If I got burnt as a teenager my mum would have told me I was an idiot, ranted at me about suncream and certainly wouldn't have sat up with me all night.
You are definitely babying her op. The idea of you sitting up with an NT 14yo because she has red arms is somewhat ridiculous.

Sweettruelies · 20/07/2020 08:12

Meanwhile, as OP’s DD has taken to her bed with her cold compress, parents of year R and year 1 DC have had to teach them to apply their suncream themselves for school ..... But the OP does NOT baby her 14 year old at all....

pregnancydiet · 20/07/2020 08:15

Oh and practically I'd advise buying her some p20 factor 30 or 50 that she can put on in the morning everyday of summer as part of her getting ready routine.
If she forgets, it's on her.

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 08:16

@PanickingAtDiscos

If she has a history of "silly unsafe decision making" then why is she being encouraged to do archery?

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 08:17

Regardless of whether she should/ shouldn’t have taken responsibility for herself, the fact is she wasn’t so your DH should have taken action.

What action should he have taken because so far I fail to see how he could have stopped her burning.

He couldn't force a hat on her or hold her down and apply suncream. He couldn't physically remove her from the situation and as I explained above if he told her she couldn't do the activity unless she was protected and she ignored if threats of removing her phone or pocket money etc didn't get her to comply what other options did he have?

firstimemamma · 20/07/2020 08:18

Isn't 14 the age kids these days do the duke of Edinburgh award? I think that's how old I was when I did it and we were very much expected to remember our own sun cream.

MyTearsAreOnFire · 20/07/2020 08:19

As a fair skinned child who was teased for being pale - I expect laid backness was actually a ruse to get a tan and it backfired.

don’t blame DH though. Sounds like your DD loves the fact you pander and fall out over her.

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