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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband let child get sunburnt

299 replies

ReddyHell · 20/07/2020 02:40

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

OP posts:

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 07:28

I don't think its bizarre at all to be keeping an eye out depending how sunburnt she is. if severe enough, its important to watch out for fever and dehydration. like I said many dont take sunburn seriously enough.

Heismyopendoor · 20/07/2020 07:30

Wow! She isn’t a baby or young child. At 14 she knows that she should have had cream on and kept her hat on. Your DH told her several times to put her hat back on and she refused!

She sounds very disrespectful. Your DH needs to grow a back bone and when she’s disrespectful like that she needs to be disciplined. I would have taken her home!

Also she’s not a little kid. She needs to take responsibility for herself. I can’t possibly imagine my DM being angry with my DF because at 14 I got burned. My mum would say hell mend ye!

Malbecblooms · 20/07/2020 07:31

I don't think 14 us old enough to make responsible decisions like this. At 14 they still need parenting, with meal times, bed times, sun cream etc.

Soontobe60 · 20/07/2020 07:31

@ReddyHell

She's hasnt got developmental delays and is More Able and Talented at school. I worry more about her than my other two daughters who are not More Able because she utterly lacks common sense like this. Her younger sister cooks, looks after horses and guinea-pigs alone but my 14 DD is blind to responsibility and often has chats with me about how she regrets not planning ahead, and wishes she had done the work etc. She's a lovely, bright kind funny girl who is now suffering with cold compress and paracetamol. I'm up looking out for her and DH is asleep.

If she’s “more able and talented” she’ll now know that she has to wear sunscreen when she’s out and about.

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 07:32

Its not about taking sunbirn seriously but realistically if she doesn't want to wear a hat and put sun cream on what was he meant to do? Hold her down whilst he apllied it?

Several posters have also said he should have ended the activity but I can't imagine she would have been happy with that either and if she said no to wearing a hat and no to leaving exactly how is he meant to get her to leave? He can't exactly pick her up and put her in the car and clearly telling her to do something just gets ignored, so I'm clueless as to how these posters think he would get her to stop doing the activity and go home.

Malbecblooms · 20/07/2020 07:32

I'm sure at 14 they know they should wear anime helmet buy they might think it's a good idea not to as nothing will happen to them. You wouldn't let them out the house we thout the helmet though would you?

Claliscool · 20/07/2020 07:35

Maybe next time she will wear a sunhat and put the suncream on. There must be wider issues with your dh to react like this (which is totally over the top), surely?

Ickabog · 20/07/2020 07:36

@TinySleepThief

Its not about taking sunbirn seriously but realistically if she doesn't want to wear a hat and put sun cream on what was he meant to do? Hold her down whilst he apllied it?

Indeed. Especially since the activity centre was pretty much next door to their house.

PumpkinPie2016 · 20/07/2020 07:36

I personally think that at 14, she is old enough to know she needs to put on suncream and wear a sunhat. It sounds like she is an otherwise intelligent girl so she should be able to manage. In a few years, she could be heading off to uni and she will need to take care of herself.

I think perhaps a conversation about personal safety and taking care of oneself is needed here. Ultimately, although it's not great, she will be ok but there may be other things she does that result in her getting hurt so she needs to be taught to be more careful.

Sweetener12 · 20/07/2020 07:37

Well, a 14yo can apply a sunscreen on her own, don't you think? I remember being 8 or maybe 9 and asking my mom for a cream because I knew I could get sunburnt otherwise. You are babying her too much, 14 - is a reasonable age to start taking care of yourself. Don't be angry with your DH, he did what he could and she made the final decision. Maybe the need to correct her selfies with photodiva before posting them for the next week will give her a good lesson!

MNnicknameforCVthreads · 20/07/2020 07:39

OP ignore those saying you’re babying her and generally making you feel bad about stuff.

I agree with you about the suncream as well as going to her aid in the night.

I also agree that people don’t take sun protection seriously enough in the U.K.

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 07:39

You wouldn't let them out the house we thout the helmet though would you?

Well of course you wouldnt6 just like the OPs DD left the house with a sun hat. However, once they have left the house if they decide to take it off like the DD took off the sun hat there isn't anything you can do to stop them. Your options are letting them out and trusting they will keep the helmet on or not letting them out.

firstimemamma · 20/07/2020 07:41

I read the first couple of sentences of the original post in a bit of a rush and read it as 14 months not years at first

Yabu op, she's old enough to learn.

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 07:42

that's just lazy to suggest you give up if a 14 year old doesnt listen to you. agreed, you cant pin them down over the suncream but the way I used to respond as a teenager was having privileges taken from me. think pocket money, tv, phone, grounded etc. dont think it's good enough to just accept that a teenager doesn't want to listen so nevermind will not try to take hold of the situation cos they wont listen to me anyway.

TinySleepThief · 20/07/2020 07:47

but the way I used to respond as a teenager was having privileges taken from me. think pocket money, tv, phone, grounded etc.

Which may or may not work but if she's that stubborn that the risk of sunburn isn't enough of a deterrent then I doubt threats about losing her phone or pocket money etc would work.

If they did thats great and shes wearing the hat so all is good but if they dont I still fail to see how the DH or the OP for that matter would have actually physically remove her from the situation to stop her burning??

TheOrigBrave · 20/07/2020 07:47

Well you'd expect your DH to say "no hat or sun cream then no archery" but it seems like he's incapable of being a parent.

With this knowledge I'm surprised you were happy to let them go out together.

QueenofmyPrinces · 20/07/2020 07:47

DD just isn't capable of making decisions for herself like this

Well at 14 years old she should be.

Sitting up with her with a cold compress and paracetamol?!

This whole thing is really bizarre.

You need to get a grip OP, stop treating her like a young child and let her learn life lessons for herself.

I genuinely thought, from seeing the thread title, that this was going to be about a baby/toddler.

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 07:49

@TheOrigBrave

Well you'd expect your DH to say "no hat or sun cream then no archery" but it seems like he's incapable of being a parent.

With this knowledge I'm surprised you were happy to let them go out together.

Are you kidding me? The child is 14!

stardustandroses · 20/07/2020 07:51

For the issue at hand, it wouldn’t have occurred to my DH - at least yours tried to make her wear the hat - she sounds pretty immature not to realise the importance of sun protection. For the future, maybe get the once a day strong sunblock (two sorts available that I know of) make sure she applies it before she goes out. I’m a red-head and it works perfectly for me. As far as any other issues are concerned, she has to make her own way in life eventually, so should learn consequences follow if you don’t think ahead a bit. And yes, she should be taking some responsibility for herself at 14.

Sailingblue · 20/07/2020 07:51

I’m in the ‘you’re being ridiculous’ camp at 14. I sounds like I’m having the same conversations with my 4 year old as you’re having with your daughter. Now obviously at 4 I won’t let her burn and I still apply it but I’m trying to start encouraging her to see it as part of her routine and ask for the cream, help apply it etc.

Your daughter could go on an independent holiday at 16 among other things. She has to learn for herself. I didn’t learn for a long time as a young adult. The turning point was getting sunstroke and such bad sunburn that I had to miss a day out to a major attraction when I was travelling at 20. I was gutted.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 20/07/2020 07:52

If your dd is academically more able, I don't understand why she doesn't understand the damage of the sun. That's science, isn't it?

rottiemum88 · 20/07/2020 07:53

@Malbecblooms

I don't think 14 us old enough to make responsible decisions like this. At 14 they still need parenting, with meal times, bed times, sun cream etc.

Honestly I'm just in shock at some of the responses on this thread. Bed times? Meal times? Suncream? At 14?! At what point do you ever start giving them the ability to think for themselves and learn from their experiences?

Standrewsschool · 20/07/2020 07:53

At 14, I would probably remind them (‘Nag’) about the hat and sun cream, But then it’s up to them. Hopefully this will be a lesson learned.

damnthatanxiety · 20/07/2020 07:54

Really surprised at the comments here. Should a neurotypical 14 year old be capable enough to manage her sun cream? Yes. But some are and some aren't. What are people suggesting? Just let her burn until she figures it out? Some people develop some areas of maturity later than others. It's like suggesting that all kids should be at a certain level at reading or social behaviours and it they are not then they should be left to figure it out on their own. Unbelievable. Could it be that the child is delayed due to over parenting? Yes. Could it be that the child is just not mature in this area and needs more monitoring than the average 14 year old? Also yes. God forbid anyone develops differently from the norm. Some of the brightest people are lacking the most common sense. Sometimes there is an underlying issue with frontal lobe development. Sometimes there is just poor judgement (not at all odd at 14 ffs). Allowing her to burn or drown or permanently maim herself because 'she was old enough to know better' is just crap parenting.

strawberrypip · 20/07/2020 07:54

@TinySleepThief respectfully, either you were a teen a long time ago or you were unusual. the thought of loosing money/my phone/the internet/time with my friends certainly would of hit me harder at 14 then the thought of getting sunburn. like I said many dont take sunburn seriously - unfortunately I was the same as a teen.

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