Husband let child get sunburnt

[ReddyHell]

Name changed.

My DH took my DD (14 and a red head) out all day doing an archery course, locally to us (we are rural but almost next door to the adventure center) . I insisted on taking hats and quizzed about sunblock but they rushed off before i could watch them apply it. They returned after 8 hours and DD has bright red burn over her face and arms. I had cross words with them both, but aimed it at DH who just said "she wouldn't keep her hat on" to which replied "you're the parent, either make her keep the hat on or come home".
DD is notoriously laid back and lacking in any common sense which is why I checked about the hat before they left because I half knew my DH wouldn't even cross his mind. I just can't trust DH to parent properly and support my totally normal safety advice and take affirmative action.
AIBU to be utterly fed up with DH?

Plenty of neurodivergent people are clever and able. Have you considered that the organisational issues could be due to ADHD or Autism? Both are underdiagnosed in girls and she does seem to have a huge mismatch between intelligence and ability to do certain things that other children her age do with ease (despite not being particularly clever)

Teenagers often make stupid decisions though, so it could just be that. It is however very unusual to blame your dh for your teen’s poor choices. Yes he could have badgered her more, but ultimately this was her decision, unless she is not NT in which case a diagnosis might help him and you understand her limitations.

I agree that at 14 she is old enough to know that actions have consequences and then decide for herself whether she prefers to wear a hat or get sunburnt. Hopefully she will learn from this experience.

But if we are determined to parent blame on this it could be reframed as ‘why did you let your husband (who you know lacks common sense) take a fair skinned teenager out without ensuring she was covered in a long lasting Factor 50 sunblock?’ Or ‘why did you raise your child to be so thoughtless?’

On a different tack, OP, have a look at Executive Functioning and see if your daughter ticks any boxes for struggling with it.

And, tbh, if my daughter was awake and hurting with sunburn at 3am. I would have probably got her paracetamol and a wet cloth too.

@ReddyHell

Eh? I'm not constantly telling her what to do at all. I encourage her to do things, leave her to fail (often) because she hasn't planned ahead (including in the last year: failing her grade three piano exams because despite being very good she just didn't bother to practice, missing at least two project deadlines and being put in detention, her lost PE kit which she claimed had been "taken" turning up under her bed resulting in missing matches of her beloved sport because I hadn't "babied" her by searching for it myself). She has had ample opportunity to fail and learn and has not done so. I do think that's beside the point anyway. I just wouldn't watch my child get injured over the course of the day and do nothing in order to teach them a lesson. And I hoped my DH wouldn't either.

Do you have other DC? Because all this sounds 100% normal for a 14 year old. Teens don't make one mistake, learn from it, and never make another.

Having said that, I agree with you that your DH should not have stood by if he saw her getting burnt.

I am all for letting people who are stubborn or lazy learn the hard way however even though the child is 14, her safety is the responsibility of her parents (it's a joking responsibility with the child at that age I suppose).

Maybe in future don't let her out the house untim she has put the Suncream on. That's what's I would do. Same if they were riding a bike- crash helmet on, or not allowed to go.

Would people's reactions be the same if this story was about wearing a crash helmet 🤔

I think this is one of those MN versus real life threads. No parent I know would let the child get sunburnt. I still chase my 25-year-old DD around with the sun spray on days out

This is insane - sitting up looking over a 14 year old because of sunburn . And no this is not DH fault. At 14 she knows she burns and knows and was reminded to avoid it. That's the most you can do for a child that age. Unless there is something going on she definitely is able to manage this.

@Pleasebeaflesbite

I think this is one of those MN versus real life threads. No parent I know would let the child get sunburnt. I still chase my 25-year-old DD around with the sun spray on days out

Please tell me you are joking or that this is sarcasm.

@Pleasebeaflesbite
In real life, I know absolutely no parents who mollycoddle their adult children and chase them around with sun cream. I doubt the vast majority do either. Overbearing or what?

@ReddyHell

I’m totally with you OP! I don’t care how old the child is, she shouldn’t have got sunburnt. If she wouldn’t wear suncream I would expect
My OH to bring her home. I took 50 14 years olds in a school trip on the hottest day of the year... boiling hot outside all day... those who refused to wear cream I called their parents to collect them. Suncream is serious and I wouldn’t care how old the child is. At the end of the day she is a child. I doubt everyone saying she’s old enough would stand there all day watching their fair skinned child burn! And if so it’s irresponsible

My 9yo knows she has to wear sunscreen and can apply it. Your DDneeds to step up and hopefully will now.

Did your H wear it? If he's with her, took care of himself and didn't pass the sun cream to her, YABU to being annoyed with him. Poor parenting.

But I do think at 14 your Dd needs to start taking responsibility for her self care.

@Pleasebeaflesbite

I think this is one of those MN versus real life threads. No parent I know would let the child get sunburnt. I still chase my 25-year-old DD around with the sun spray on days out

Do you wipe their butts for them to? It could just be that I'm Australian, but the idea of a 14 year old needing their parent to put their suncream on for them is so ridiculous that it's almost funny. My 3yo gets the heavy duty suncream bottle herself and brings it to me on hot days.

I can't believe the attitude of some people on this thread. I come from a country with a really high incidence of melanoma and, consequently, deaths from melanoma. It is not a matter of a lesson being learnt and not repeated by a teenager. One sunburn as a child is a significant risk factor for getting a melanoma and other less deadly but still unpleasant skin cancers.

Once my son forgot his hat and sunscreen for a school sports event and his teacher thought it would teach him a lesson to make him take part. My children are mostly Irish so are really light-skinned. My son absolutely refused to go along with this and willingly went to the headmaster for a telling off rather than risk a melanoma. I absolutely agreed with my son's risk assessment and I was fine with him being punished for forgetting stuff but not being punished by increasing his risk of a melanoma. His teacher was enraged and snapped to me about how she was a redhead who got sunburned regularly and she didn't have any sun damage. I was so surprised that I blurted out the truth that she did, in fact, have sun damage with blobs of pigmentation that were not just freckles. I don't really feel guilty about that because it might stop her doing the same thing to other pupils and I have only pre-empted by a few short years the conversation a dermatologist will eventually be having with her when she has some suspicious mark or other excised.

Your daughter should be very careful from now on to minimise the risk. My son was careful because as a much younger child on a school holiday program and on a school camp he did get burnt. At the age of 22 he has had a basal cell carcinoma removed from his arm and has had regular mole checkups with a dermatologist. He very much regrets those two youthful sunburns now that he is old enough to appreciate the danger.

No I’m not joking. It’s not done in an overbearing way. On days out we take sunscreen and if one of my children need it I’ll give them a spray on their shoulders or back of arms etc.

Only on MN is it okay to allow a fair skinned child to burn and risk future skin cancer just to teach them some responsibility.

But then in RL I also knew a 31-year-old redheaded woman who tragically died of malignant melanoma, which started on the back of her neck. She had had an outdoor job for a couple of years when she was younger

I've got mixed views on this OP.

whilst I agree at 14 she should be aware of the dangers of going out unprotected in the sun, I also think if dad was aware she lacks common sense to this degree he should of ended the day and that would of been the lesson. you don't want to be a grown up and listen to what I'm telling you to keep you safe? fine - we will go home, that sort of thing. it's dangerous to get that burnt. I think a lot of people really down play the seriousness of sunburn. especially on such fair skin.

Hope your daughter feels better soon.

I think there are a lot of British people that don’t take getting sunburnt seriously. I don’t know who’s to blame here, DH or DD, but sounds like they both need educating.

I think @user1486915549 makes a good point: the more you nag, the more deaf the teenagers become. For the small stuff, my parents made a point of saying it once, then letting me face the consequences. My dad (a regular smoker) would say occasionally: "I know I'm a bad example, but I don't want you taking up smoking, and destroying yourself", the subtext being that he wasn't going to actively stop me, because he thought I probably would do it secretly if he did. He later said that if he gave up smoking, he thought that I might take it up to rebel. (I never did smoke.)

I found out the hard way about sunburn, and I was more careful after that, and put my cream on myself. The summery way I did destroy myself (not) was that in summer, I often wore trainers without socks: they warned me about the evils of doing this once, but then didn't bother to fight the battle.

I opened the thread expecting the OP to say the DD was 4, not 14.

Massive overreaction, and I found I just can't trust DH to parent properly incredibly sad.

I have red hair and am very pale. I have to wear sunscreen for most of the year (am outside UK) and reapply every 20 mins or so and wear a tshirt on the beach and sit in the shade.

It sounds like she will have to do the same. It is therefore really important she learns this life skill asap.

14 is old enough to know.

@lukasiak
confused Do you wipe their butts for them to? It could just be that I'm Australian, but the idea of a 14 year old needing their parent to put their suncream on for them is so ridiculous that it's almost funny. My 3yo gets the heavy duty suncream bottle herself and brings it to me on hot days.

You sound pleasant! Wiping her bum
And suncream is very different. Good for you with your 3 year old. I doubt very much you would let them burn to teach them a lesson... if so that’s crap.

Up at 3am sitting with a cold flannel and paracetamol 😂😂😂😂 Nooooo, don’t worry OP, you’re not babying her at aaaaaall 😂

This is just bizarre! Why are you sitting up with a 14 yo with sunburn?

Next time it’s sunny -

“DD remember what happened last time you didn’t put on sun cream”

• that’s all you’ll need to do. She can start to associate consequences with her casual attitude.

YABU

I think by blaming DH you are absolving you're DD of all blame. She must have felt uncomfortable but said or did nothing. Things like this help people to learn from their mistakes

My DS is 4 (he is very blonde and fair) and always asks if he needs sunscreen when it is sunny

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@lukasiak
confused Do you wipe their butts for them to? It could just be that I'm Australian, but the idea of a 14 year old needing their parent to put their suncream on for them is so ridiculous that it's almost funny. My 3yo gets the heavy duty suncream bottle herself and brings it to me on hot days.

You sound pleasant! Wiping her bum
And suncream is very different. Good for you with your 3 year old. I doubt very much you would let them burn to teach them a lesson... if so that’s crap.[/quote]
It's not that different at 25 years old!