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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In love with late friend’s husband

302 replies

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:33

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP posts:

Marlouse · 19/07/2020 19:38

If you both have feelings for eachother, then it’s obviously not to soon to explore giving into them.
You can go slow with this. Are there (young) children involved?
Personally I don’t think you have to feel guilty about anything.
If I were to die, I would find it a blessing if one of my dearest friends would get together with my lovely husband. She might have felt the same if she would have know this were to happen.

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/07/2020 19:39

I think this happens very frequently OP. I know some people may think badly of you both but I think you both deserve to find happiness and I would try not to judge.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/07/2020 19:40

OP, I'm not sure if it is a case of too soon. You lost your best friend, he lost his wife. Be careful that you are actually enjoying eachother as the individuals you are and not as a way of holding onto your friend IYSWIM.

katy1213 · 19/07/2020 19:41

No need to feel guilty but take things slowly, you're both grieving and could be reading too much into it.

AdultierAdult · 19/07/2020 19:44

It may be too soon for him to make decisions about life after his wife and how he wants to live or who he wants to spend it with but I don’t think you’re being disrespectful, no. I’d be more concerned that he’s moving too fast and will inadvertently end up hurting you.

Original poster

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:44

My children are grown up with children of their own. He has no children. I have been divorced for almost ten years.

OP posts:

OneForMeToo · 19/07/2020 19:45

Your both been grieving and in lockdown recently I’d be very careful it isn’t just a case of it being easy to be each other’s all right now. Tread carefully and slowly.

EngTech · 19/07/2020 19:46

Life is what you make it plus you never know what is round the corner.

Go for it as it will be a case of “What if, if only” 👍

billy1966 · 19/07/2020 19:47

The key is to take it slowly and give yourself this chance.

He has lost his wife, which must be devastating and lonely.

He is very vulnerable at the moment.
I would go very slowly.

As for your friend, she loved you both and was loved in return...why would she not bless you.

Personally I would give it the year before embarking on anything.

If their are children involved even adults ones, proceed with great care.

OpenWheelRace · 19/07/2020 19:50

I think its way too soon for a romance.
Remain friends, support one another - there's no rush to make it romantic and you need to be careful that you both are making the right decision.

Sparklesocks · 19/07/2020 19:51

This is actually very common. It might be that you’ve grown closer and are seeing each other from a romantic perspective for the first time - but equally it might be that you are both sharing in your grief and the support you’ve provided each other at your most vulnerable is appearing as romantic feelings.

Sparklesocks · 19/07/2020 19:52

And I’m also very sorry for your loss

UnaCorda · 19/07/2020 19:58

Is it definitely you he wants, as opposed to any woman who could replace his wife? I would proceed with caution.

MikeUniformMike · 19/07/2020 19:59

Sorry about your friend.

Get in there.

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Honeyroar · 19/07/2020 20:06

It’s pretty soon.

Paperairplane · 19/07/2020 20:06

I think men who’ve been married for a long time quite often end up in a relationship again quite fast. Go for it if it makes you both happy! But don’t rush too much. It’s til death do us part...

Ohtherewearethen · 19/07/2020 20:06

Nobody else can tell you how to feel. A similar thing happened with a family member of mine. His beloved wife died after he nursed her for years and within six weeks he was with her friend. Everybody felt he deserved to be happy and he was happy with her. Not forever but for a good few years. You both deserve to be happy. You are not doing anything wrong. My partner of over 10 years died and I met and married my husband within a year. Everybody was delighted for us.
Your friend's husband doesn't deserve to be sad forever. Very few people will think that or vocalise that and if that do, so what? He won't be losing any nice relationships. I say go for it, as long as you are prepared for him to not be over his wife, to still grieve for her and to still love her, that could be going on for a long while yet

Frannyhy · 19/07/2020 20:10

My school teacher did this when she was in her 60s. When she bought her husband to a school reunion they seemed very happy together.

When he died she was heartbroken.

Catsrus · 19/07/2020 20:13

not too soon at all. The people who are slow to enter into new relationships are often those who have had a bad one. People who have been happy with their partner - particularly men - are often quick to get into new ones after a bereavement. I've seen this a number of times in my long life.

One of the happiest marriages I have seen (almost 20yrs now) is a couple whose situation was very similar to yours. They both (best friend and husband) supported the wife as she dealt with terminal cancer. After she died their friendship blossomed into love.

If you care about each other then go for it.

Peeta · 19/07/2020 20:13

I know a couple who got together less than two weeks after his fiancee and her best friend committed suicide. They went 'Facebook official' after two months, and moved in together after 6 months. 2 and a half years later they're still together and seem very happy.

It's weird though. I think sleeping with your best friends fiancee less than two weeks after they have died, especially so suddenly, is pretty grim.

But in your situation I'd say go for it and see where it goes.

randomer · 19/07/2020 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Quotes a deleted post

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 20:16

It’s incredibly common, OP. Take it slowly and gently. I hope it works out for you. Everyone deserves happiness.

Diverseduvet · 19/07/2020 20:18

I think it's too soon for him. I think this is a good guide: Take a month for every year you've been together, before starting a new relationship. eg. If couple had been together for 30 years, 2.5 years is appropriate.

BumbleBeee69 · 19/07/2020 20:19

Go for it.. you only live once and you're a long time dead..

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