In love with late friend’s husband

[CrossingTheLine]

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

I think it sounds like a lovely consequence of an awful situation. I'm sure you're friend would give you her blessing if she could. However, grief is funny and I wouldn't move too fast. Perhaps proceed but keep it just between you two until at least Christmas.

Go for it OP. Life's so short, and your late friend would no doubt be the first to tell you that. There's nobody else around to get hurt if things don't work out, but I hope they do. Sounds like you could be happy together and you won't know if you don't at least give it a chance. Follow your heart, I wish you both the very best

No of course it's not too soon, and the lovely thing is that you have your friend in common. She was a huge part of his life, obviously and am sure that she would want him to be happy.

There is no time frame, or, 'rules,' about when it's acceptable to move on, as it's a very personal decision, and completely irrelevant as what I think or random strangers on the internet think - you both have feelings for each other, and are looking for, 'permission,' to go into a relationship.

Sorry, but there are no rules in the grieving process, everyone is different.

I was 36 when my partner died, you & your friend sound a little older?

I wouldn't waste time hanging around, sure its raw for him but you may be the one that helps him through an unimaginable time and he'll be your soulmate.

Who knows but prevarication won't help anyone.

You’re doing nothing wrong. You’re both adults and there are no children involved here.

Ignore the judgemental fired into her husband posts, there is actually an extremely high amount of people who believe that someone shouldn’t move on after a bereavement, ever.

And as crass as this might sound, he’s not her husband he’s her widow. She’s not coming back.

I would say the same as any relationship - to take things slowly and see where you go from there.

There's nothing to feel guilty about. Beware of him falling for you on the rebound; that does happen and frequently falls apart quickly. You must protect yourself. Keep it friendly for now and reassess after a year has gone by.

However, you and he have done nothing wrong.

It is really disrespectful to your friend. Dreadful. It's far far too soon.

Thank you for your comments. I’m not sure what is meant by getting fired in, but I assume it means sex. I have to admit that at my age that isn’t my first priority! Thank you for the advice about taking it slow, that is definitely a good suggestion.

Has it only been 7 months?
Gosh.
I would be worried that he's distracting himself from grief...?
Maybe tread slowly?

@EnidMatilda

I think it sounds like a lovely consequence of an awful situation. I'm sure you're friend would give you her blessing if she could. However, grief is funny and I wouldn't move too fast. Perhaps proceed but keep it just between you two until at least Christmas.

What Edna said.

My late DP and I got together a year after his wife died who I knew well.. We had two and a half years together before he died.... If you make each other happy and can help each other then go for it... 💙 ♥

Grieving has no start or end date. I was widowed at 35 and decided to wait until my kids were a bit older as I didnt think anyone would want me and two young children. If you both have found feelings and are happy then run with it. Life is for the living and this is not a dress rehersal. I wish you both a ling and happy life.

My friend died in dec. Her husband started dating her friend in March, he proposed at Christmas and they got married the following nov. They are really happy.

One of my best friends started a romance with someone who had recently lost his fiancé, who was a mutual friend. They were very happy for a decade, until she sadly also died (both of different and entirely natural long illnesses, nothing fishy). About 6 months later he started a relationship with another woman who I guess my friend would have known. It’s been about 5 years and they seem very happy. At the time I remember being momentarily put out that it hadn’t been ‘long enough’ and then I quickly realised that it had absolutely nothing to do with me and he deserved to be happy. I don’t know this other woman but I can see that she treats my friend’s little girl (who was only a baby at the time) very well. I don’t think people need to be sad forever, but it’s possible that you are both trying to fill the gap she left. As long as you’re open and honest with each other I think it’s ok.

Yes it's much too soon. Just a few months after the death of his wife/your "best friend"? I saw this happen once with friends and I know it meant that a lot of their relations (children, siblings etc) and mutual friends just didn't want to see them any more. A good friend of his late wife said it made her feel sick to see them him having moved on within 6 months, and the "best friend"/new partner was seen as being incredibly predatory on an obviously grieving widower.

Go for it

Too soon - she hasn't been dead even a year yet

Keep getting to know each other as friends. Seriously, 7 months is way too soon!!

Go for it

I thought I commented on this, anyway I think it’s wrong personally and there is no way I would give my friend my blessing to get with my husband if I died! I would be horrified and wonder how long she had her sights on him for!

Men seem to move on faster if their spouse dies. It’s a thing

As there are no children (or adult children) on his side to be hurt by timing, I’d say go for it.

She had a long illness, therefore he has had a long time to get used to the fact that she would not be around. And has plenty of time to do anticipatory grieving.
There are no rules on how long you have to be miserable for after a death. It doesn't mean that their marriage was worthless, he is not showing disrespect to his late wife at this stage.
I wish you the best, but go softly.

I can’t count how many times I’ve thought ‘god, I love my husband. I really hope he shags one of my friends 29 weeks after my death’. thing is though, you’ll be dead. No decent human being would want to put a time frame on when their partner moves on. Most decent human beings would hope their partner did in fact move on.

When I was in ICU nearly four years ago one of DP’s colleagues told him that it was common to move on after a partner’s death so he should think about that. And I wasn’t actually dead yet. now that could be seen as inappropriate...

But I have reiterated to my partner that in the event of my death I would want him to move on. He’s said he won’t, but ultimately that is his choice. I won’t be there to cast judgement, and as we don’t have children together it won’t be an issue for them.

Where there are young children involved I think it’s more complicated. I know someone who had moved on weeks after his DW’s death and had her staying over from day1 with the DC there. I found it difficult not to judge that TBH, because of the DC, but when we’re talking two adults it’s not for anyone else to judge.

Some will say its too soon and others won't. You're both adults. I do suggest taking it slowly as its so fresh. He probably hasn't even had it sink in yet as to whats really going on. Im 4 years into being a widow since the start of the month and its only the last 2 years I've fully grasped what's going on