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Original poster

In love with late friend’s husband

302 replies

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:33

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 21:37

I guess some people must think it’s appalling that I wear my mum’s wedding ring. I like having a little bit of her with me all the time.

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 21:38

@AlternativePerspective

@ Pumperthepumper you are clearly being deliberately goady but ok, I’ll bite.

The difference between a wedding ring and a partner is that the wedding ring is something which symbolised their life together. Getting together with someone else after a bereavement is a new relationship. It therefore stands to reason that you would bring new experiences into the relationship and that would include their own jewellery.

The man is not his widow’s possession. She’s dead. She’s not coming back. If anything I might wonder why someone would wear her wedding ring rather than want one of their own, but other than that I’d assume they would come into what had been my house, sleep in what was my bed, this is life. And life goes on after someone dies. And the truth is that when you’re dead you’re dead. You’re not the one who has to deal with that, the people who are left behind are.

I’m not sure why you think I’m the goady one - or why you would think that the symbolic tokens of someone’s relationship are more important than the relationship itself. But then again, I suspect you don’t - because you agree that if it was as simple as ‘this one died, get a new one asap’ then we wouldn’t have the cultural recognition we have after someone dies. We’d just move on as quickly as we could, because who cares about the dead?
OneForMeToo · 19/07/2020 21:38

Tbh I wouldn’t want it being my friend either personally. Be weird like where they always eyeing each other up....

I also think it’s odd to maybe want the make up and jewels as mentioned up thread a bit like trying to be the actual dead person by wearing their things with their widow. There’s a line. A very fine one between new partner and replacement by genuinely becoming them with their things.

RaiseTheVibe · 19/07/2020 21:39

Yes it's too soon.

After 7 months, 4 of which have been in lockdown, I'd find it very hard to believe nothing had been going on between you or you hadn't set your sights on him before your friend died tbh.

If you thought this was all fine, or you didn't give a crap what anyone who knows you both and knew your friend is going to think, you wouldn't be on here asking a bunch of strangers for their opinion.

OhCaptain · 19/07/2020 21:39

It’s not uncommon for men to move on really quickly, is it? Especially older men.

I don’t know if it’s that they’re so used to companionship, or a wife running around after them!

I’d be thinking it’s a bit soon but he doesn’t have kids or grandkids who could be upset, and you’re not the widow in the situation. So, why not?

Be prepared for the whispers though. And be sure he’s not just acting out of grief!

Thisbastardcomputer · 19/07/2020 21:39

My friend died a couple of years ago, she was a diamond much loved for her sense of fun and straight talking. Her husband unfortunately was a complete letch and within two weeks had hooked up with someone else, who he since married. Virtually no one will have anything to do with them.

Your situation is different, a reasonable amount of time has passed, if you're both happy go for it.

Thisbastardcomputer · 19/07/2020 21:39

My friend died a couple of years ago, she was a diamond much loved for her sense of fun and straight talking. Her husband unfortunately was a complete letch and within two weeks had hooked up with someone else, who he since married. Virtually no one will have anything to do with them.

Your situation is different, a reasonable amount of time has passed, if you're both happy go for it.

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 21:39

I also think it’s odd to maybe want the make up and jewels as mentioned up thread a bit like trying to be the actual dead person by wearing their things with their widow

Except OP said nothing of the sort. This concept was introduced by an extremely goady pp.

PuzzledObserver · 19/07/2020 21:39

There are only two opinions which matter here, OP - yours and his. Do you think it’s too soon? Maybe take it slow, like others have said - you’ll know when it feels comfortable.

TheNavigator · 19/07/2020 21:40

[quote rvby]@Pumperthepumper equating a human being to a possession, like a wedding ring or some makeup, is disturbing. Human beings have agency and can do whatever they like. They are not possessions of their spouse who should be buried in the grave with them ffs. What weird comments. FWIW I would have no problem with anyone wearing my clothes or jewellery after I am dead, would you? Who the fuck cares. I'd be dead.

I agree with a pp that most of the negative reactions here are about folk getting panicky about their own feelings about mortality and being forgotten.

The truth is that we live once and are a long time dead.

OP, an it harm none, do what thou wilt. Guard your own heart as much as you see fit, and try to find joy in this short, cruel life.[/quote]
I love this post, wise and compassionate.

Life is hard and short, we all fear mortality and death raises odd and complex emotions. In the end OP, only you can judge if this feels right and good and I would trust in that over the judgment of strangers.

AlternativePerspective · 19/07/2020 21:42

@ Alsohuman I was going to say that. Reality is that most jewellery would be left to someone anyway, especially if the person knew they were going to die, but I’m guessing that other people wearing that jewellery is distasteful also....

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 19/07/2020 21:42

Gosh, I'm stunned by these replies. I could absolutely not go there. How utterly disrespectful to your friend Sad
Imagine being terminally ill and knowing that your husband was going to hook up with your friend, months after you died. Even years later, I would still considerate it inappropriate. Even without knowing her, I find it unimaginable that she would give her blessing.
You're both grieving and have obviously bonded and developed a deep connection. Lines that were crossed months ago should never have been crossed.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2020 21:43

OP, I'm not sure if it is a case of too soon. You lost your best friend, he lost his wife. Be careful that you are actually enjoying eachother as the individuals you are and not as a way of holding onto your friend IYSWIM.

No need to feel guilty but take things slowly, you're both grieving and could be reading too much into it.

I think both of the above comments are helpful.

Grieving is a very personal process - no-one can say how long it will take - but during it, people can be very vulnerable. There is nothing to stop you both from building on your friendship, and letting it grow into something more, but it would be wise not to rush into anything. Take things slowly - it may be that you develop a lifelong, loving relationship, or it may be that you help each other through the grieving process and then move on. The danger is that one of you will want to have greater intimacy/ continue to be close when the other has grown past that stage. This could lead to one of you being hurt.

However, I have known two couples who found each other romantically in identically similar circumstances to yours, and have very happy and fulfilling marriages, so it is certainly not something that is impossible. Just be kind to yourself and each other.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 21:45

@BluebellForest836

Wouldn’t you rather it was someone you knew?

No I wouldn’t, I thought that was pretty obvious by my comment.
I couldn’t imagine wanting to go and shack up with my mates husbands if they die either. Plenty of other men out there which means I don’t need to date any deceased friends husbands.

Yes but they have already fallen for each other and it didn't happen intentionally. Sometimes you can't help who you fall in love with.
AlternativePerspective · 19/07/2020 21:45

@ Alsohuman that pparticular PP is the one who started off by being offensive with a post which has now fortunately been deleted. They’re probably best ignored....

makingmammaries · 19/07/2020 21:47

Take it slowly and be extremely discreet, since this thread shows that some people will judge you.

I think there is nothing wrong in this however, as long as it works for both of you.

BluebellForest836 · 19/07/2020 21:47

@wildone84 - That old chestnut. Poor excuse thrown out there to make people feel better about their shit behaviour.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2020 21:47

I could absolutely not go there. How utterly disrespectful to your friend Sad
Imagine being terminally ill and knowing that your husband was going to hook up with your friend, months after you died. Even years later, I would still considerate it inappropriate. Even without knowing her, I find it unimaginable that she would give her blessing

What a cruel thing to say!

YOU may not feel happy with something like this, but it doesn't mean that other women wouldn't like to think that the man they love would find happiness after they were gone.

OP and her friend's husband haven't been sitting waiting for the opportunity to get together. They drew comfort from each other and this has developed into something more. You have no right to abuse her like this. It's cruel and inappropriate.

xxKatie9806xx · 19/07/2020 21:47

Life is too short to wait. If it makes you both happy go for it.

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 21:47

@AlternativePerspective

@ Alsohuman that pparticular PP is the one who started off by being offensive with a post which has now fortunately been deleted. They’re probably best ignored....
Best ignored because you can’t argue with the logic of ‘actually, we do respect the dead’. Sure.
AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 19/07/2020 21:48

I also agree with @AnyFucker sorry but I would be absolutely horrified if my husband ended up in a relationship with my friend. Under ANY circumstances. Sorry.

wildone84 · 19/07/2020 21:48

[quote BluebellForest836]@wildone84 - That old chestnut. Poor excuse thrown out there to make people feel better about their shit behaviour.[/quote]
She's dead! They've not been having an affair?

Personally I'd be very happy if my DP found love with a dear friend of mine, after my death. I'd not want him to suffer.

OneForMeToo · 19/07/2020 21:49

Not sure how you can fall in love during lockdown really from grieving over the same person to loving each other when you’ve been locked down since March.

More like lusting with a romantic vision of what could be. You know that crush you dream about but it’s never actually the same in reality.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/07/2020 21:50

I know someone who was obviously together with his second wife at the funeral of the first. Now that is too soon.
You though Op ? It is fine, pretty normal time-scale for a man to think about dating, as pps have said. Also as your friend’s death shows, life is short, and for the living. If you find happiness together then good on you. I wish you the best of luck.
I also think it can be easier to have a new partner who knew and cared for the partner who has died.

NailsNeedDoing · 19/07/2020 21:51

I’m six years into being a widow and I think the one thing that is guaranteed is that you will be judged for dating a widower, as will he be. But the judgement comes from people who have no first hand experience of being in a situation like this so their opinions are worth next to nothing. People project their own fears when they make judgments like this, it’s because they’re scared that their own partner would be able to be with someone else if they died, or because they genuinely can’t imagine moving forward if they became widowed. I chose to feel thankful on their behalf that they had no clue what it feels like to lose the person you thought you’d have for so much longer, and let it go.

You do what makes you both feel happier. Life is too fragile not to.