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Original poster

In love with late friend’s husband

302 replies

CrossingTheLine · 19/07/2020 19:33

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 20:33

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Disfordarkchocolate · 19/07/2020 20:33

Men who are happily married tend to move on fairly quickly if their wife dies. They miss what they had and know the work required to have a happy married life.

I would take is slowly but let yourself enjoy it. You know he's a good loyal man. That's an excellent start.

Lula11 · 19/07/2020 20:34

It’s seems you’ve bonded over what must be an awful time, and found something in each other.
Beware though men married for a long time often replace deceased wives very quickly due to being used to having a wife running around after them.
Don’t spend your older years playing mummy.

icedaisy · 19/07/2020 20:34

Seems very quick.

I've seen it before and it's not been pleasant for those around.

Dearest friend, so presumably your life's were intertwined? Shared memories. Years of stories etc.

Stage of grief is to want to be close to that person. Closest you can get is her husband, or for him her best friend or her sister.

Makes me uncomfortable this quick.

AlternativePerspective · 19/07/2020 20:35

It’s also worth bearing in mind that if she’s died after a long illness he will have come to terms with her loss long before it actually happened. Iyswim.

Mummyshark2018 · 19/07/2020 20:36

I think it's lovely. I would take it slow though as you risk hurting other people. In time if you two take it slow and are 'just friends' family/ friends will see how happy you make each other even if you're not in a 'relationship'. If something happened to me I've always said to my dh to find someone to make him happy, and if you make each other happy then great.

Spaghettio · 19/07/2020 20:36

As someone who was a widow, and have married a widower (and we both had young children), I speak with first hand knowledge and experience.

Do whatever the hell you want. If you and he both feel it is time, go for it. The only people who can judge the situation are the two of you.

You may (or at not) have comments, but quite frankly, it's no one else's business.

Good luck to you both.

Loopy4got · 19/07/2020 20:36

This sounds really lovely. Happy news at last out of something hugely sad. x

AnyFucker · 19/07/2020 20:37

I would judge both of you, tbh

feelingfragile · 19/07/2020 20:38

I have family who have died after long illnesses and those closest to them have said that (because of the nature of the illness), that they grieved for that person many years before their death. It was tragic and they loved that person until the day they died and beyond but that grieving process happened a long time ago.

Obviously that's not the case for all illnesses but it's sad that some people would judge those who have lived through that loss and begrudge them connection and love.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 19/07/2020 20:39

i've been thinking about this too much lately, given the current issues we're all facing. I think I'd be overjoyed if something happened to me if my best friend and widow got together. It gives me peace to think they'd take care of each other for me and my kids.

Hardbackwriter · 19/07/2020 20:40

I find it a bit troubling that you describe yourself as 'in love' - it's so intense, when you two haven't even been on a date yet (I know you've spent time together, but not as a couple). I don't think you should feel guilty but I think you should take it very slowly. I think there's a danger that you're pouring your grief into this and that puts so much pressure on the relationship - you need to give it room to breathe and indeed to fail. That's why you really need to make sure it doesn't feel like a betrayal of your friend to you, as then the natural tendency will be to cling on even if the relationship clearly isn't working because it's only 'justified' if it's true love.

Worrried · 19/07/2020 20:40

Wow some of the comments on here are horrendous. OP, I wish you the best of luck, life is short and if you and he can find happiness together, it is for no-one else to judge what is too soon. x

MashedPotatoBrainz · 19/07/2020 20:40

*best friend and husband that should say.

cheesesconesaremyfavourite · 19/07/2020 20:41

It sounds like you both deserve some happiness. You're not hurting anyone so if you like each other as much as it sounds then just go for it. If anything your friend's passing highlights the fact that we're only here for a short time so we have to grab love and happiness whilst we can. You'll always get some old misery guts on here telling you it's wrong but there are some people on here whose sole purpose seems to be to disagree with whatever anyone posts on principle. Best of luck and every happiness to the pair of you.

Runnerduck34 · 19/07/2020 20:42

Theres no children involved which simplifies things hugely.
You only have each other to think of and protect but I would still go slowly as it is early days and you will both still be grieving.
As your friend loved you both then I think its quite natural you should get along well and even be attracted to each other as friends usually like similar types of people iyswim.
My cousin died and within a few months her husband was in a new relationship with a mutual friend, 18 months later they are still together so this kind of thing does happen and as pp have said is probably quite common but tread carefully to protect yourself.

jasjas1973 · 19/07/2020 20:43

@Pumperthepumper

What time period would you suggest? i'm 20 years on from my partners sudden death.... is that long enough for you? i was having sex 6 weeks after the funeral, it was that or suicide.

I ve met plenty like you, people who think the surviving partner should live in dark despair for the rest of their lives.

My partner died and will not care who i have sex with, cuddle up on the sofa or go for a walk, they are dead and ain't coming back.

Please OP, follow your heart, its tough dating a widower but you sound caring and if you are opening minded it can work.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/07/2020 20:43

I think it's a bit soon.
If its forcreal could you both hang on a bit? Having said that grief is a process and often having an escape or distraction is part of that. I'm not saying that's all it is - only time can tell.
That there are no young kids around nean you only need to worry about you two.
Sorry about your friend Flowers

Pumperthepumper · 19/07/2020 20:47

I ve met plenty like you, people who think the surviving partner should live in dark despair for the rest of their lives.

Is that what I said?

LimedTimbers · 19/07/2020 20:48

Some of the comments on here are horrible. I wish you both happiness. For what it is worth a very dear friend of mine died when she was 31 leaving a husband and 2 small children. She had time to think and knew she was going to die as she had terminal breast cancer. One of her strongest wishes was for her husband to be happy again and that included having another relationship

Purpleartichoke · 19/07/2020 20:49

My father found a serious girlfriend shockingly soon after my mother died. They were together 50 years. I did a lot of reading about grief and dating as my mother was dying because I had heard that a quick relationship is a common reaction.

I really can’t begrudge my father finding companionship. They are definitely not a couple joined at the hip. They maintain their own homes and finances. They have both made it clear that will not change because they don’t want to complicate inheritance or put the other party on the hook to financially support a health decline.

I would take it slow. Keep separate homes at least for a few years and just see what happens. You both know how short and brutal life can be. Finding happiness is important.

AnneTwackie · 19/07/2020 20:49

If I died I would want my husband and best friend to do whatever made them happy. I’d take it slowly though, the last thing either of you need is more hurt.

AnneOfQueenSables · 19/07/2020 20:50

I'd be cautious and I'd try to make sure that you both have other outlets for your grief even if that means bereavement counselling. It could be as a PP said that you're both holding on to your link with your friend through this relationship. It would be healthier for you both to be able to grieve separately.
Also, be prepared for other people to react badly to your relationship. It will be too soon for some and, for them, it will probably cast a shadow over both your relationships with her.

sunrainwind · 19/07/2020 20:51

My grandad married a family friend a year after the death of my grandma. From all accounts (including his own) - my grandparents were very happily married for over 30 years before she died. He married my step grandma a year later after being together for a month and were very happy until he died over 30 years later.

I'd take it slowly but wouldn't stop things naturally progressing.

DisobedientHamster · 19/07/2020 20:51

She died after a long illness 7 months ago and in the meantime there's been a global pandemic. I'd be wary he's distracting himself. I find it distasteful, tbh, and agree with AnyFucker but it appears I'm in the minority. Very typical of men, too, to jump immediately into the arms of someone else.

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