In love with late friend’s husband

[CrossingTheLine]

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

@CrossingTheLine if nothing else, there’s no harm in having another close friendship!

I would personally be hesitant to call it more right now for fear of it being too soon. That doesn’t mean anything has to change just that it’s been only months and you’re both dealing with grief.

Best of luck to you, though! You sound lovely.

I think personally she’d of been happy he found happiness.
I wouldn’t go guns blazing though, take it slow. Get in there OP.

I have to be honest, I would want my husband to be happy and move on if I died, but not with one of my friends. I can't pinpoint exactly why, but it makes me very uncomfortable. I may have to think about why.

In this situation I would be careful. Someone in my ex's family got with her friend within a few months of her death. It really upset his children, to the extent it broke down their relationships permenantly. But the worse part was after a year they broke up. After being together for that amount of time he started to feel guilty and realise he was trying to replace his wife with someone who reminded him of her. The friend was devastated and lost the support she had as he distanced himself from her and the children had cut her off. Her other friends did judge her too and stopped meeting her at their homes, where their husbands were. It was very sad.

Just take it very slowly, don't jump in too quickly and take time to grieve your friend seperately from him. Grief can bind people together and almost form a sort of hysterical bonding where you seek solace in each other, which is confusing. You have time to take it slow.

I think if it were the husband who died, the few dissenters here would be all for the wife shagging her dead husband's male best friend.

To be perfectly honest, it would squick me out sexually. I would find thinking about his sexual past with my dead best friend a real turn-off. To put it mildly.

This happened to friends of mine when we were in our twenties. It was very soon after the death of our friend. Some of my friendship group coped with it, some didn't. The bereaved boyfriend and bereaved best friend are still together now married with children many years later.

Nobody can help how they feel and in this situation there isn't anyone to hurt, as they have sadly died.

Kidswould complicate this

You need to take care of yourself though.
And I'm sorry for your loss.

@CrossingTheLine, you and I are about the same age and I think a lot of the distasteful comments about sex are coming from people much younger than us. Sex would come a very long way down my list of concerns if I were considering another partner now.

You know this man well, both first hand and from what you’ve observed in his long and happy marriage to your friend. You like what you see and you think you could make one another happy. Only time will tell if you’re right or not and you’re both old enough and wise enough to take it slowly and give it that time.

I hope it works out. You deserve to be happy. 💐

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

Unless you have been bereaved of a partner .. you REALLY don't know what you are talking about .

..: the worst are children of the bereaved who expect their mother or father to live a life mourning their departed spouse.. rather than finding subsequent happiness .. beyond selfish. !

This is so true. My MIL is 91, she has a partner of the same age - for the past 15yrs. They met 2yrs after her husband of 50+yrs died. One of my SILs was FURIOUS with her at moving on "so soon" SHE was still grieving her DF.

SIL has refused to meet her mother's DP since that point. the DP goes away when she visits - the other children are fine with him.

Honestly OP just go for it. Life can be far too short. We never know, don't regret not taking the chance.

I think if it were the husband who died, the few dissenters here would be all for the wife shagging her dead husband's male best friend

Think again

There are no children or adult children involved. Men seem to move on fast and it might as well be the OP. That doesn’t mean I agree with it. At my parents’ church it’s a running joke that if a man is widowed the dirt will barely have covered the casket before the same handful of women are knocking on his door with casseroles.

@AuntyPasta

What is wrong with that? when my wife died, my life was destroyed, i would go out to the garage and make nooses, the woman i met shortly after my wifes death was the only person i poured my heart out too, she talked me down from suicide many times but i suspect the tongues wagged, no doubt the same people who now say how wonderful my child has turned out.

Would you rather i was swinging from a beam? Would that make your local church happy?

I think unless you have been through traumatic grief (and not all grief is traumatic) you really have no idea the deep effects it has.

Not my church, I’m an atheist.

I don’t judge the people who’ve lost a spouse and are in the midst of grief. I do judge people who cross the line from supporting someone emotionally to taking advantage of someone at their most vulnerable.

@AuntyPasta

Not my church, I’m an atheist.

I don’t judge the people who’ve lost a spouse and are in the midst of grief. I do judge people who cross the line from supporting someone emotionally to taking advantage of someone at their most vulnerable.

So now op is taking advantage of him?

I don’t think it’s too soon or disrespectful in any way.
Life gos on.

However, because of the circumstances I’d be wondering if you liked each other for the right reasons or whether this is purely down to grief.

Sorry for your loss.

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

What a vile, sordid mind you must have.

This is about mutual caring and comfort - not unbridled promiscuity!

Why shouldn't two people who have experienced loneliness and bereavement not find enjoyment in each other's company - and if that is physical as well as emotional pleasure, that is their business and no-one else's.

OP - you have feelings for this man, and he for you. Enjoy your time together. Your relationship may last a month, it may last 30 years, but whatever happens seize the day because it will never come again.

Because if your spouse meant anything to you, you would manage to keep it in your pants for at least a year after they die!

Said by someone who hasn’t a clue what it means to be bereaved of a partner.

When you have a partner who has had ill health your relationship changes fundamentally. You don’t love them any less but all the perameters change. You don’t have the relationship you used to have, you know that your time together will be cut short and in many ways the transition starts way before the death. The shock anger and disbelief is often then. The death can bring a sense of relief and a crushing loneliness but not a raw grief.

To find someone to share that grief is not wrong. There’s no reason to “keep it in their pants” for a year. Life is for living and a friend can help him to walk the path of grief whilst still loving and respecting his wife.

I agree Coronabeer, my friend’s husband said very similar when she died, that he’d said goodbye in his head right at the initial terminal diagnosis, and that he’s already been moving on in his head. But I still think it’s distasteful and better to wait for a few months longer. You’re not the only one grieving- there’s a mother, father, other people that loved her and, from what I’ve seen, been horrified and upset to see their daughter seemingly replaced and forgotten. So I’d say stay as friends for a while longer. You still get the support but don’t hurt others.

To all those posters saying, ‘I wouldn’t be happy if my DH got with my best friend after I died,’ - you do realise what ‘dead’ means, don’t you?

You wouldn’t be happy, you wouldn’t be sad, you wouldn’t be pissed off, jealous, angry or anything else.

You wouldn’t be feeling or thinking anything at all. You’d be gone, and you wouldn’t be coming back. Not just ‘gone’ to your DH - gone to yourself as well.

Relax about what happens when you die. Even if you have kids. Put practical safeguards in place, by all means, but as far as the emotional stuff goes, you’re out of the equation. You’re gone, and the people left behind are going to have to muddle through as best they can.

Putting arbitrary time limits on how soon they should seek comfort in intimacy with another won’t change anything.

You’re dead. They’re alive.

ill be honest ive known a few relationships like and it just feels very ick, i feel extremely sorry for the deceased, the ultimate piss on your grave moments and how it must look to immeadiate family aswell , i appreciate thats blunt but honest opinions are needed sometimes.

You’re not the only one grieving- there’s a mother, father, other people that loved her and, from what I’ve seen, been horrified and upset to see their daughter seemingly replaced and forgotten. So I’d say stay as friends for a while longer. You still get the support but don’t hurt others.

There are and that is why these things need to be handled extremely sensitively. Nobody needs to make announcements, start moving in together or attending family events together. But quietly developing a relationship and spending time together alone before sharing it more widely is totally fine. Stories of people bringing new partners into the wider circle immediately or moving them into the deceased home etc is obviously not ok but a quiet and private development of a new relationship is absolutely fine

the ultimate piss on your grave moments so how long is long o r should he be single forever to honour him? What if they were all in their 20s or 30s? Or is it cos they knew each other and you secretly wonder if she's being trying to make a play for him for years and is not happy she gets him?

You’re not the only one grieving- there’s a mother, father

Given that the lady who died was in her 60s, this seems extremely unlikely. Most of us have lost their parents by this age.

It’s interesting that those who find this most unseemly appear to be relatively young. It seems we become more pragmatic as we age.

I think your, and his, age is very very relevant here. If you were both younger, had young kids etc it would feel weird and inappropriate. But your'e older, your kids are grown and it is as much about companionship as anything else. He was married to your best friend for a long time, so you have to assume that you already have a similar mindset and approach to things. And companionship is important.

I also think that for people who have been married for a long time, and who then lose a partner, that's one of the hardest things. And so it's not surprising that he's looking to fill that gap with someone who is not going to expect him to forget his wife.

I would caution being slow though. My dad was close with a family friend after my mum died. But I think she thought it was more than it was and was disappointed when she realised my dad liked her, but didn't want to take it further.

Op do what feels right for you both.
People will judge and some will understand and be happy for you.
If the last few months have taught me anything is that life is way too short. I lost my mum 3 weeks ago and we’re heartbroken but if I’d be over the moon if my dad found himself getting together with my mums best friend because she’s an amazing woman herself and someone I think very highly of.
My dad is relatively young and has never really been on his own as they got together when they were about 19/20.

My husbands uncle lost his wife about 4 years ago and within a year he was with someone else. His family are awfully judgemental about it and disapprove but I can understand that he needs a companion. He and his wife had so many plans for their retirement, they had many trips planned and he understandably doesn’t want to do this alone. I’m happy for him and there’s no judgement from me at all.
Like I said, life’s too short xx

I’m not saying that the OP is taking advantage, I’m saying it’s a concern, particularly in situations where (unlike with the OP who lost her friend) only the widow/er is grieving the loss.