In love with late friend’s husband

[CrossingTheLine]

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

OP, there will always be people who judge no matter what you do. You could wait another year, or two years, and it wouldn’t make any difference. I don’t see why you or he should be unhappy just to make others feel more comfortable. If there were young children, that’s different, but this doesn’t directly affect anyone else. Look after yourself though. But life is too short not to give it a go. Do it in secret if you really must! But don’t not do it if it’s what you both want.

My DF (father) is with his deceased friends wife, he was friends with both of them for years, my mum and dad split, his new learners husband (his friend) sadly passed away, a year or so later they got together and have been together now for 10+ years, they both have fond memories of her husband.

My dad kept it quiet for a while because he was worried what people would think but I think people were happy for both of them.

Take things slowly and see where it goes x

I think 6 months is enough time. However everyone is different and some will think it's way too soon others will not. I think you both need to talk about how to move forward with the relationship as in how fast or slowly etc. A lady across the road met her husband 3 months after her late husband passed away. Nobody judged her and I iirc it was just after the year mark that they married. Her children were really happy because they knew their mum was not going to be lonely and the new husband is a good man. If you are sure then go for it.

I suspect that for those who are being so incredibly judgemental it is about their own insecurity.

Someone’s death brings home the fact that life is short and that we’re essentially all just a car crash away from not being here any more. And when you see situations like the OP the realisation dawns that if it were them who died, then their partners will be moving on and entering into relationships with other people, maybe even sooner rather than later...

People who are alive now don’t want to acknowledge that their partner will be in a relationship with another woman if they die. They’re attributing feelings of their current, actual relationship to a situation which isn’t actually the same, because the instant that person dies the relationship is over.

You can’t imagine someone moving on without you when you’re still here to imagine it.

@CrossingTheLineIt is soon, but don't miss out on what could be a beautiful and lasting relationship.

The only thing I'd be wary of would be that you are stepping into a wife-shaped hole, but that's me.

My mum's close friend died unexpectedly and her widower was devastated. He remarried someone nice enough and was happy after such heartbreak.

Someone else I know married her husband's best friend after they were both widowed in their early 60s. They are still married 20years later.

You already know each other.

My very best wishes.

My DH died 5 years ago. I met DP 6 months later. Moved in together 6 months after that and had a DD together another 6 months after that.
Some people were happy for me, others were judgemental. As the saying goes “those who matter won’t care and those who care don’t matter”.
However, in Hindsight it was too soon. My life changed and then changed again and again. I couldn’t keep up with myself. I actually developed an eating disorder which has nearly killed me twice and i have PTSD. I always say to DP that I wish I’d met him a couple of years later. I love him completely and we have a lovely life together but I really believe these problems that I have is because I never took time to grieve. After DH died I threw myself into sorting finances and probate, moving house and supporting my DCs. I should have taken time to adjust to life without DH and come to terms with what had happened to us,
Tread carefully OP.

7 months after the death of his wife, yes I agree it is too soon for him personally.
For you your grief is coming from a different place, lockdown has affected people in many different ways.
I imagine he wants to be close to you as you were close to his wife, also with lockdown his contact with others has been greatly reduced.
Tread carefully as you may be the one to get hurt.

Not the same but as someone who never pursued an opportunity with someone - I still massively regret it nearly 8 years later I'm on team go for it!
X

@AlternativePerspective

I suspect that for those who are being so incredibly judgemental it is about their own insecurity.

Someone’s death brings home the fact that life is short and that we’re essentially all just a car crash away from not being here any more. And when you see situations like the OP the realisation dawns that if it were them who died, then their partners will be moving on and entering into relationships with other people, maybe even sooner rather than later...

People who are alive now don’t want to acknowledge that their partner will be in a relationship with another woman if they die. They’re attributing feelings of their current, actual relationship to a situation which isn’t actually the same, because the instant that person dies the relationship is over.

You can’t imagine someone moving on without you when you’re still here to imagine it.

That’s not the case here, I’d hope my husband would grieve me and feel able to move on and live his life in happiness. I’d prefer he didn’t shag my best friend seven months after my death but there not much I could do about it.

I suspect you feel the same, which is why you’re ignoring my question about the OP wearing her friend’s jewellery or makeup. It’s so easy to type out Live, Laugh, Love platitudes isn’t it? The reality is a bit different though.

I've seen this happen several times in my life. It seems as though it is actually a fairly natural thing for bereaved spouses and friends of the lost loved one to pair up.

I remember my mum talking this through with a university friend of mine many many years ago (his mum had died and about a year later his dad had started going out with a woman who'd been friends with them as a couple - my friend, understandably because he still missed his mum, was feeling very conflicted about this). My mum said something that's always stuck in my mind: "for your generation, 'breaking up' is your model for the end of a relationship, and that takes a lot of getting over because you've not merely lost a relationship and someone you once loved, you've also lost trust in your judgement in picking a partner and in relationships as a whole." (She knew what she was talking about, having left her abusive first marriage back in the 1950s when divorce was still rare and frowned upon.) "But being widowed was a much more common end to a relationship in my youth - and people who'd been happily married often remarried quite soon, because their experience of being with someone they loved was an entirely positive one. They weren't trying to replace that person, but they weren't scarred by a relationship gone wrong either."

Since then I've watched three close friends go through this - lose their partner, then meet and marry someone new quite soon afterwards. I think it's actually a fairly natural way to react to bereavement.

Good luck OP - I hope this is the start of something lovely and lasting.

Nothing wrong with what you’re both doing but I would caution going super slowly.

You may be sure of your feelings but you’ve had 10 years to process and move on from your relationship with your ex, whereas he’s still in the middle of the grieving process.

It’s not uncommon for men to jump feet first into a new relationship because they’re desperate to heal quickly and especially as you’re both grieving for the same person, plus the weirdness of lockdown isn’t helping.

Take it slowly, enjoy each other’s company but I’d caution against selling your house and movIng in together, for a while longer. You both need to be sure it’s a strong relationship that would work as well as if you’d met whilst out shopping or some other mundane activity.

Life is so short, absolutely go for it- you both deserve happiness, and if you have a chance at it you should absolutely grab it with both hands- best of luck to you both!

6 month's is very quick, if my living spouse found happiness with my dearest friend I'd be pleased just not after 6 month's

You will have so much in common that's why your friend chose both of you to share her life. I say go for it life is far too short to waste opportunities.

Please be careful to protect yourself. I wish you every happiness.

It's too soon. Plus he was your best friends dh, wouldn't you always have that elephant in the room that he would still be with his wife had she not died and is only with you because she did, would he rather still be with her etc. I just think you're going to get hurt. A good friend dated a fairly recent widower and fell head over heels and it seemed so did he, then he did the whole 'it's not you it's me' speech and it was too soon etc. She's still heartbroken months later.

You may be sure of your feelings but you’ve had 10 years to process and move on from your relationship with your ex, whereas he’s still in the middle of the grieving process.

Or maybe even nearer the beginning.

Actually, I would not judge given another year or two in normal (non lockdown) times

How much actual time, as potential romantic partners, can these two have possibly spent together in the specific last 7 months. I would certainly be assuming there was something going on before the poor lady died.

Absolutely go for it. I have discussed this with DH and told him if I did die i hoped he would meet someone else to make him happy.

Do people really think it's wrong? Best friend or not? 7 months after a long illness is long enough and no young children involved

Just enjoy it, OP. You are finding comfort and solace with each other, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Take your time, do it at a pace that’s right for both of you, and don’t worry about what others think. It’s your life not theirs. Wishing you much happiness x

@OrchidJewel

Absolutely go for it. I have discussed this with DH and told him if I did die i hoped he would meet someone else to make him happy.

Do people really think it's wrong? Best friend or not? 7 months after a long illness is long enough and no young children involved

Can she also wear her friend’s wedding ring?

How delightful for you both.

You're both mature enough to know the pace that is right for you and to progress at that pace.

Good luck!

I think it’s too soon but also just plain vile that you want to shack up with your friend who passed away husband. Millions of blokes in the world but you go for your friends husband.

I suspect you feel the same, which is why you’re ignoring my question about the OP wearing her friend’s jewellery or makeup. It’s so easy to type out Live, Laugh, Love platitudes isn’t it? The reality is a bit different though. Why on earth would it matter whether someone else was wearing my jewellery? I’ll be dead.

As someone who has very nearly died three times in the past almost four years, who has a life limiting illness and may well die from it if I don’t get a transplant, I genuinely hope that my partner would move on after I die. It doesn’t matter to me if it’s six months or six years. Death is timeless. I won’t know, and really, what is there to be achieved by his grieving for me for years? It won’t bring me back.

After having cancer in 2018 with 2 young children if something had happened to me I would totally want my DH to move on. For him and our kids.