In love with late friend’s husband

[CrossingTheLine]

My dearest friend died after a long illness in December last year. Her husband was devastated, as was I. During lockdown we have been messaging each other. It started with just checking that we were ok but then progressed to longer conversations. I found I was waiting for his texts every morning. Then we started to go for socially distanced walks and have grown closer. Yesterday we went for a meal and he told me that he had feelings for me. I realise I feel the same but I just feel so guilty about my friend. Is it too soon?

After having cancer in 2018 with 2 young children if something had happened to me I would totally want my DH to move on. For him and our kids.

I’d hope my partner would find someone else but they don’t need to go and pick my friends

My sister’s husband died in a tragic accident leaving her with 3 young children

She became close to one of her late husbands friends and within 3 months she was pregnant to the new man. They are happily married and have been together for 20 years

If you make each happy, it’s worth a shot at happiness surely?

I suspect you feel the same, which is why you’re ignoring my question about the OP wearing her friend’s jewellery or makeup. It’s so easy to type out Live, Laugh, Love platitudes isn’t it? The reality is a bit different though

My guess is that nobody’s responded to that because it’s so crass and irrelevant. It’s so easy to judge other people isn’t it? The reality is that every situation is different and only the two people involved really know about their unique circumstances.

I’d hope my partner would find someone else but they don’t need to go and pick my friends Why not? Wouldn’t you rather it was someone you knew? Someone you had personally chosen as a friend of yours during your life, whose integrity and good traits you could be sure of? Rather than someone who was on OLD who would hate your children and want him to forget that you ever existed?

On average widowers date within 6 months and remarry within 2 years. So his timelines are average, men hate to be alone. Widows take longer, 12-18 months to date, 4-5 years to remarry, Women are better at being alone.

He's obviously wanting to fill the gap OP, so if you like him go for it,

I was widowed at 33 and dated after a year.

As with other posters, I know of several people who after losing partners moved on within the year to new relationships. In every case, the person had a long and happy marriage behind them and I think they just wanted the companionship back. I think that is very natural and understandable. If you are happy, then I think you should enjoy your time together. For some people the time will never be enough, so you have to decide if you are okay with it, and stick to that. Like everything in life, you need to make your own mind up and stick to what is right for you.

I don't agree that just because it's a long illness you have come to terms with it very quickly. You might be better prepared than if it's a shock death, but the death of your partner is very shocking even if you were expecting it.

I think it's more likely that in the middle of his (quite frightening and awful) grief, he wants consolation, a warm pair of arms, someone to talk with and so on. Essentially it's someone to grieve with and through. It's also fantastically distracting.

If you can cope with that, and that it might go wrong, and that might be mixed up with feelings (both his and yours) about your friend, then I don't think it's wrong per se.

My current DH often wears my late DH's jackets, some of his books are still on my bookshelf, we use the bowls he turned.
He's part of my, and therefore our, family history: why would I - or DH, who was one of his best friends - try to pretend he didn't exist?

@OpenWheelRace

I think its way too soon for a romance. Remain friends, support one another - there's no rush to make it romantic and you need to be careful that you both are making the right decision.

It's not uncommon for men to move on quickly after the death of a spouse.

melmagazine.com/en-us/story/why-men-remarry-faster-than-women-after-the-death-of-a-spouse

@Pumperthepumper, just stop it. You’re being really offensive. There’s no need for it.

@Alsohuman

I suspect you feel the same, which is why you’re ignoring my question about the OP wearing her friend’s jewellery or makeup. It’s so easy to type out Live, Laugh, Love platitudes isn’t it? The reality is a bit different though

My guess is that nobody’s responded to that because it’s so crass and irrelevant. It’s so easy to judge other people isn’t it? The reality is that every situation is different and only the two people involved really know about their unique circumstances.

You don’t know anything about me.

Also, crass to wear the wedding ring after six months but not shag the actual human that ring represents? That’s some logic.

DP's DF was in a relationship (with a woman he moved into his home) less than two months after his DM died.

I'll be honest it caused a lot of problems but things are better now.

I think seven months, although quick, doesn't seem so bad after what we went through with DP and his DF.

Just take it slowly.

I'm #teamgoforit you don't know what the outcome will and what's around the corner.

Please update us with what happens

At least you're not related. I know someone who's now with her BiL after her sister died. None of my business but it feels very strange.

I have read that men who were in happy marriages and lose their spouse often move on 'quickly' because they want that again.

And neither of you are young and looking to 'start' families by the sound of it. Which means you both hopefully know yourselves very well and what works and doesn't work for each of you. And if your best friend was his wife, you probably already cared about him because she did. Proceed carefully, of course, but I don't think it's wrong if that care turns into love. Life is short. Love is special.

Good luck, OP.

Nobody here can tell you if it's too soon. If you both have feelings for each other then you can't change that. It might make you feel better to take things slow and see what happens.

@ Pumperthepumper you are clearly being deliberately goady but ok, I’ll bite.

The difference between a wedding ring and a partner is that the wedding ring is something which symbolised their life together. Getting together with someone else after a bereavement is a new relationship. It therefore stands to reason that you would bring new experiences into the relationship and that would include their own jewellery.

The man is not his widow’s possession. She’s dead. She’s not coming back. If anything I might wonder why someone would wear her wedding ring rather than want one of their own, but other than that I’d assume they would come into what had been my house, sleep in what was my bed, this is life. And life goes on after someone dies. And the truth is that when you’re dead you’re dead. You’re not the one who has to deal with that, the people who are left behind are.

I don't think it is too soon at all. Losing someone close makes you realise that life is short, and is for living. Just take it slow and enjoy each other's company.

I don't see where op.said she was wearing her jewellery? Did I miss this?

@Pumperthepumper equating a human being to a possession, like a wedding ring or some makeup, is disturbing. Human beings have agency and can do whatever they like. They are not possessions of their spouse who should be buried in the grave with them ffs. What weird comments. FWIW I would have no problem with anyone wearing my clothes or jewellery after I am dead, would you? Who the fuck cares. I'd be dead.

I agree with a pp that most of the negative reactions here are about folk getting panicky about their own feelings about mortality and being forgotten.

The truth is that we live once and are a long time dead.

OP, an it harm none, do what thou wilt. Guard your own heart as much as you see fit, and try to find joy in this short, cruel life.

Wouldn’t you rather it was someone you knew?

No I wouldn’t, I thought that was pretty obvious by my comment.
I couldn’t imagine wanting to go and shack up with my mates husbands if they die either. Plenty of other men out there which means I don’t need to date any deceased friends husbands.

I'd be quite happy to think that DH's new partner was using any of my make-up or jewellery, tbh.
Seems like rather a nice memorial to me. "These earrings are pretty, they used to be Cattermole's, do you remember?"

It’s not too soon because it has happened now and that’s that.
Good luck