To think SIL should care more about her DC achieving their potential?

[LoveaBrew]

I visited my brother and SIL today and their two DC. We'd not seen each other since January, due to lockdown and us living a bit of a drive away.

I'd hoped to get to see them sooner, but somehow this was the earliest they could make time to meet us. I took my 3 DC and they had a lovely time playing in the garden together.

While I was there I noticed that my nephew (3) had made a massive leap during lockdown - he's always been a bit shy, but now he's turned into this confident mature child. His vocabulary and reasoning skills are better than my DS7, who is in the top set in his year, despite the 4 year age gap .
But it was watching my just turned 1 year old niece that left me speechless. It was like watching a 3 year old stuck in a babies body. Without telling too much, she's just learned to ride a balance bike and did a 6 piece Jigsaw with ease...

I asked SIL if they'd done much with the children during lockdown and she said something like too much TV but they tried to go for a walk once a day. I asked again about any homeschooling she'd done and she brushed off the question. I then pointed out how impressive her DC were and she just shrugged...

I have really enjoyed homeschooling during lockdown and promised to send her some of the materials we have used. I've just sent her a few links on WhatsApp and she replied: "that's very kind, honestly we're just happy if everyone is still alive at the end of the day."

I feel a bit upset, surely SIL should do her best to support her kids talents She has quite a senior job so should know how important education is?

AIBU to think she should care more about her DC achieving their potential?

So her kids are doing well .... you felt they need to patronise her and tell her how to nurture them why ?

Her kids are doing brilliant, and yet you think she needs your help

I hope she tells you to p*ss right off.

Whatever your SIL is doing is what your 7 yr old seems to have missed out on. Perhaps you need to do more to help him reach his potential

Why is it always the SIL or MIL to blame on mumsnet .

Anyway, surely a one year and a three year old don't need homeschooling yet?! I'd think you were a bit batsh*t if I were you're sister in law tbh.

I agree with PP - I suspect she’s being blasé around you because her children and far outperforming yours and it’s a bit awkward 🤷‍♀️🤣

They've obviously made the most of their daily walk to chat and use the balance bike.
Sounds like they're doing a good job of learning skills in lock down and making progress on the Early Years subjects.

If this isn’t a reverse...
Her children are clearly bright and not by accident. She’s probably a little embarrassed that her 3 year old is outperforming your 7 year old. How would you feel if she sent YOU some links so you could better educate your DS7 since he’s clearly ‘behind’ his much younger cousin?

Very few children are ‘talented’- all children are bright but it needs nurturing and encouraging which is clearly what your SIL has been doing. Maybe you should take some ‘homeschooling’ tips from her.

Is this genuine?!

Their kids are 1 and 3-Why would they be home schooling?

Plus why on earth is it all about your sister in law? You seem to think she’s a bit shit! Does your brother have nothing to do with raising them?? Why are you not commenting about what he thinks of his children’s potential?

This post probably says more about you than it does about them.

You think she should be home schooling a baby and a toddler?!
My DS is very gifted...it didn't mean I needed to start teaching him to read and do maths as a baby! He is 13 now and reaching his potential just fine!

Of course YABU.

You said yourself how much her dc are thriving. Therefore, why would you think they need to change their parenting ?

Why on earth would you think a 1yr old and a 3 yr old would need some home schooling materials ???

I have a relative who always says she's just happy if the DCs are alive by the end of the day She's actually super engaged with her DCs. They spend lots of time together, lots of hobbies, activities, crafts, camping, etc. She just doesn't like chatting about it to people in case it makes them feel pressured.

Hazarding a guess that you’re feeling insecure about the fact she works and her kids are still doing ‘better’ than yours, so you want to change the narrative to one where her kids’ high performance actually shows that she’s not engaging with them enough

Your SIL was very polite in her response.

Also I've done a fair bit of homeschooling with my kids, but I don't talk about it. When I finally get to talk to an adult, the last thing I want to talk about it bloody homeschooling.

@ChaBishkoot

If this isn’t a reverse... Her children are clearly bright and not by accident. She’s probably a little embarrassed that her 3 year old is outperforming your 7 year old. How would you feel if she sent YOU some links so you could better educate your DS7 since he’s clearly ‘behind’ his much younger cousin?

Very few children are ‘talented’- all children are bright but it needs nurturing and encouraging which is clearly what your SIL has been doing. Maybe you should take some ‘homeschooling’ tips from her.

This. Perhaps SIL should be sending you links to ensure your children catch up.

So SIL is clearly doing a good job and doesn't need input from you. I would concentrate on making sure your own kids are at an appropriate level.

She brushed you off because if she said anything positive at all or said what she does with them chances are you would have been on here bitching that she was boasting and hot housing.

If she is either intelligent enough or educated enough to hold a senior job she is presumably sensible enough to see to educate her children properly at the appropriate time.

I would be more worried my 7 year old wasn't at a 3 year olds level.

I can’t imagine a world in which I see my niece and nephew doing really well and decide that their parents are somehow failing them.
They’re not doing well by accident. Their parents are supporting them.

This thread is gold. I love how SIL uses one liners to cut off the direction of the conversation. They probably got the smart genes from her.

OP- you should really ask your SIL advice on how to raise your kids.

I'm sure she wouldnt mind giving you some tips seeing that her kids are SO much more advanced than yours. You could learn a lot from her and there no shame in admitting you've let the side down.

I think OP has got herself overexcited about her homeschooling experience and now thinks she's an expert at educating children (and in a position to judge others).

Calm down, OP. Your SIL and her dh are obviously doing a lot with their children as they have made so much progress during lockdown. They are also quite capable of deciding whether they want to hothouse their children or not with a more formal education. They don't need your input, and you shouldn't be badgering them about it. If they wanted your advice then they would ask for it.

And stop making negative judgements about your SIL and assuming she's doing nothing of any benefit with her children when it's quite obvious to everyone who's read your post that she's doing exactly what a good parent should be doing.

I strongly suspect this is a reverse. In which case, OP, that is actually a really annoying way of wasting other people's time. Just don't.

In case it is genuine:

But what is making the most of it?

Didn’t that amazingly talented mathematician end up regretting going to Cambridge as a young teen and missing out on a more rounded life experience?

What does success actually look like to you?

This.

I personally hate the mindset that children should achieve their "potential". It suggests that their "potential" is something that has a pre-determined limit. However, intelligence is not fixed.

Also this.

My large extended family has over the years been made up of a mix of some highly gifted children, some more ordinarily bright, and some who have struggled academically. In the early years, the same approach of learning through play has benefited them all. And while in the later years availability of academic and musical challenges has obviously been enormously beneficial, the gifted children have still benefited from many of the same things as the non-gifted: socialising with children from a wide range, learning practical skills, playing outdoors, plenty of free time to organise for themselves.

One nephew got into the conservatoire of Vienna, another one has just been accepted onto a prestigious STEM programme: they have clearly not been held back in any way. BUT they are also happy and well-grounded young people who can hold their own socially.

I'm sure you meant well, OP, but it sounds like your SIL and your brother have done/are doing the best for their children, with good results.

How they raise their children or plan fur their children's futures may be different from how you do for yours, but you risk causing ill feeling (especially to your SIL) so back off now and leave them to raise their children how they wish to and you raise yours how you wish to.

Why people carry on replying when it's clear @LoveABrew won't return I've no idea

These children are 3 and 1?

They would be developing quickly at this age anyway.

I think their development has shown how much they're thriving in just being around their parents more and having time and space to do things.

A load of directive homeschooling sounds like the last thing they need to me!

And surely "homeschooling" is for children who are of ... you know .. school age??!

Give children the chance to curious and a warm firm kind responsive environment and they will grow into people who can emotionally self regulate, have a strong sense of self and be well placed to pick up all the academics at the appropriate age.

She is teaching them. Puzzles and balance bikes are exactly what developing brains need.

Also, those examples aren't exceptionally high end intelligence, if I'm honest.

Bit of an embarrassing post, OP. Calm your tits!

I think your SiL was incredibly restrained, in the interests of maintaining a civilised relationship so the cousins can all grow up knowing each other. I should imagine she had to 'count to 10' inside her head several times over.