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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL should care more about her DC achieving their potential?

206 replies

LoveaBrew · 18/07/2020 20:47

I visited my brother and SIL today and their two DC. We'd not seen each other since January, due to lockdown and us living a bit of a drive away.

I'd hoped to get to see them sooner, but somehow this was the earliest they could make time to meet us. I took my 3 DC and they had a lovely time playing in the garden together.

While I was there I noticed that my nephew (3) had made a massive leap during lockdown - he's always been a bit shy, but now he's turned into this confident mature child. His vocabulary and reasoning skills are better than my DS7, who is in the top set in his year, despite the 4 year age gap Blush.
But it was watching my just turned 1 year old niece that left me speechless. It was like watching a 3 year old stuck in a babies body. Without telling too much, she's just learned to ride a balance bike and did a 6 piece Jigsaw with ease...

I asked SIL if they'd done much with the children during lockdown and she said something like too much TV but they tried to go for a walk once a day. I asked again about any homeschooling she'd done and she brushed off the question. I then pointed out how impressive her DC were and she just shrugged...

I have really enjoyed homeschooling during lockdown and promised to send her some of the materials we have used. I've just sent her a few links on WhatsApp and she replied: "that's very kind, honestly we're just happy if everyone is still alive at the end of the day."

I feel a bit upset, surely SIL should do her best to support her kids talents Confused She has quite a senior job so should know how important education is?

AIBU to think she should care more about her DC achieving their potential?

OP posts:
YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 18/07/2020 22:29

@LoveaBrew

She just seems to be quite blasé about it all. To me it's so obvious that they are talented that she should be making the most of it Blush
But what is making the most of it?

Didn’t that amazingly talented mathematician end up regretting going to Cambridge as a young teen and missing out on a more rounded life experience?

What does success actually look like to you?

Im exceptionally intelligent (ed psych tested). I muddled through school, being told I was clever but never really directed as to how to use it. And I think it turned out for the best.

I have a fun professional job thats nowt special but that i love to bits, and averagely ok degree from an OK ish uni, live in a averagely dull semi in a dull suburb. With the regulation 2.4 kids and a Ford Mondeo on HP. (!) I have a great life. I don’t know what I’d have achieved if I’d had academic parents pushing me... but what I do have is contentment. I genuinely don’t think I’d have that if I’d been pushed.

Leave the poor buggers alone to find their own level.

GrumpyHoonMain · 18/07/2020 22:30

@GinDrinker00

Sounds like you ought to be asking her for tips, not the other way round. YABU massively - I’m surprised she didn’t tell you a few choice words.
This.
Lumene · 18/07/2020 22:31

Eh? YABU

Realityofsen · 18/07/2020 22:32

3 and 1. Even if they are the text child progidies let them be children.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/07/2020 22:34

They arelearning through play, @LoveaBrew - and that is not magically happening on its own - your brother and SIL are doing it.

Octopus37 · 18/07/2020 22:34

Firstly, I dont understand how you can assess her 3 year old against your 7 year old based on just a snapshot. Secondly, they are not old enough to be home schooled. Thirdly, it sounds as if your SIL keeps herself to herself and doesn't need to be showing the world how amazing she has been during lockdown. Fourthly and most importantly, with a senior job and all the physical work which go with having a 1 ad 3 year, I cannot imagine she has had a lot of time. Sounds as if your standards are too high.

SummerTimeSunshine · 18/07/2020 22:34

I personally hate the mindset that children should achieve their "potential". It suggests that their "potential" is something that has a pre-determined limit. However, intelligence is not fixed.

Furthermore, in my experience, those pushy helicopter style mums that insist on teaching their toddlers to read/write/count tend to end up with young adults that academically fail to thrive.

"Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire."

Your SIL sounds like she has the right attitude.

Pantsomime · 18/07/2020 22:40

I find this post odd- my 1 yr old didn’t learn to walk until 16mths ( no problems or delays) so o find riding a balance bike at 1 amazing - a happy hopefully healthy child who is loved and cared for is most important thing here - they need to play - childhood is to be cherished

IdblowJonSnow · 18/07/2020 22:43

Dont be crazy OP.
Also dying to know why it's all about your SIL and not your own brother?
Could it be that you have sexist attitudes as well as being interfering? Hmm

LEELULUMPKIN · 18/07/2020 22:46

Sending the links for kids that age is bloody ridiculous and if I were your SIL I wouldn't have been anywhere near as polite as she was.

If the boot were on the other foot how would you feel if she questioned your parenting skills like this?

None of your business and I would tell you so.

LEELULUMPKIN · 18/07/2020 22:48

You also sound jealous that the kids are doing so well seemingly by magic/osmosis and are more advanced than yours were at that age.

buckeejit · 18/07/2020 22:50

They are doing a great job & have happy children. Great.

My Ds was an early & competent reader. I've always encouraged this but some people often commented about pushing him further. If they are happy & stimulated, it's enough. Especially so young.

Children know when they are being pushed & that pressure can have negative side effects in other areas.

I'd message to apologise if you came across as pushy & say she's obviously doing a great job

DancyNancy · 18/07/2020 22:56

Plenty of time for them to be schooled. Now is a time for play and fun.

northstars · 18/07/2020 23:00

Shocking behaviour, OP. It sounds like she is doing a better job than you! Why did you think she needed advice from you? Confused

Stripeytopgirl · 18/07/2020 23:03

Who do you think taught the 1yo to do a puzzle? Or ride a balance bike?
Or taught the 3 year old to communicate so eloquently?
Their parents.
They sound like they’re doing a great job & even better they aren’t smug about it. YABU!!!

rosiejaune · 18/07/2020 23:06

YABVU.

Children learn best through play and real life, not formal schooling. They will achieve their potential best without flashcards or whatever insane things you think babies and toddlers should be doing.

Island35 · 18/07/2020 23:14

I thought, by reading the title, there was a massive problem with GCSE and A level students needing loads of help. Turns out they are 1 and 3! They are fine, she is clearly involved in her children's lives but just isn't making a big ole drama out of it. Kids get to be kids for about 5 minutes, formal teaching can wait.

BiBabbles · 18/07/2020 23:25

I don't get assuming the worst of her. Maybe she just doesn't want to talk about it. I mean, what does 'making the most of it' mean? Why is that automatically academic? I think enjoying time with little ones is making the most of it and they learn a lot from in many ways.

If she's just not enthusiastic to talk about it and brushes it off, she probably just doesn't want to discuss that sort of thing and move on to another topic. Honestly, I prefer that over those that want to discuss education plans in details or go on about how they're kids picked up quadratic equations on their own (only a slight exaggeration there, and as others said, tens to be backed by a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes). Even as a home educator who can happily discuss education options for quite a while, a lot of times I'd rather discuss anything but that.

Crumpets111 · 18/07/2020 23:29

Concentrate on your own kids OP

Topseyt · 18/07/2020 23:32

You weren't helping at all. You were being an interfering busybody.

Your SIL had made it abundantly clear that she didn't want your advice during the visit but you sent her your links anyway. Links presumably aimed at children of a completely different age group anyway.

I really admire your SIL's restraint in her message back to you after you sent the links as I can only guess at how bloody irritated she must have been. I'm afraid my response to you would have been more along the lines of "bugger off."

A 3 year old and a 1 year old do NOT need homeschooled FFS! They DO need to be allowed to be children, to have fun and to play. It seems that your SIL understands that better than you.

Winterwoollies · 18/07/2020 23:34

It sounds like they’ve been working their socks off over lockdown and she’s just playing it down because her SIL is a bit intense and overly concerned...

Sailingblue · 18/07/2020 23:37

Also (as well as my first post saying you’re being ridiculous) my circumstances aren’t that different to your sil. As a sahm you cannot possibly understand how bloody hard it is to work in a professional job while trying to care for two under 4. I suspect I’d have snapped if any sahm had given me links to worksheets or encouraged me to do additional home schooling. Your sil sounded rather calm and measured. If I’d have then found out that you had gone on a parenting forum to slag off the effort I was making with my children I don’t know if I’d ever speak to you again.

TheStuffedPenguin · 18/07/2020 23:38

If her children are more advanced than yours why would she need you to send her anything ?

Jocundest · 18/07/2020 23:44

Yanbu, OP. She should have them doing Advanced Maths A Level, the neglectful thing.

verypeckish · 18/07/2020 23:44

AIBU to think she should care more about her DC achieving their potential?

Well judging by what you've said about how well advanced for their age they are already, I strongly suspect that this hasn't happened totally by chance.

If the children were both showing signs of lagging considerably behind where they should be developmentally, then you might have a point in offering help and advice. However, they're clearly doing absolutely fine, so if I were you I'd butt out before you end up antagonising and alienating your SIL and DB.