Friend said I've reverted back to being a teenager

[brababab]

Not sure whether to be offended or to just brush it off.

I left an abusive relationship around 18 months ago. Relocated 200 miles away to be with my family. I now live with my dad. 4 bedroom house, me dad and my DS who is 21 months old.

I visit my mum a couple of times a week and stay the night. She's who I've chosen to bubble with. Before lockdown I would regularly go and stay with her.

This set up works really well for all of us. My parents love being able to spend time with us. My dad regularly talks to his friends about how lucky he is to have his grandson living with him. My mum loves when we visit as she lives on her own.

I'm in no rush to move out and love living with my dad.

My friend said to me the other day that it's like I've reverted back to being a teenager. She thinks I should move out and thinks it's odd for me to be 'dependant' on my parents. (I'm not, I pay £300 rent every month, it's not a free ride). She keeps sending me links to right move properties and thinks I should move out. She's so adamant that I won't be able to date whilst I live with my dad and that there's stigma attached to a 30 year old woman living with her parents.

I'm really close to cutting her off because she's doing my head in. She has such a weird and strong opinion about me living with my dad.

AIBU to feel as though I don't want to be her friend anymore? It's not awful what she said but I just feel so distant from her now.

I’d cut her off. You’re living your life in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone and in circumstances that are right for everyone involved right now. If you choose to move out eventually that’s up to you.

Your friend is a judgey dick.

I think it sounds lovely. The whole idea that everyone needs to live in their "own" property is what keeps house prices high and people poor! If you're in a situation everyone is happy with, you do you!

The plan is eventually to get my own place but it just makes no sense whatsoever to do that anytime soon. Not until my son has 30 free hours anyway. I moved out when I was 18 and moved back when I was 29. It's not like I don't know how to be independent.

What you’re doing sounds lovely.

Your ‘friend’ does not, however.

Who would repeatedly send someone else Rightmove details?! Why is she so invested in your living situation?!

@Fedup21 honestly I have no idea. I don't even respond to them.

I would tell her you will be looking to date at some point and then will move. That you were in an abusive relationship and are not wanting to jump into anything else. Oh and that it’s “nunya”. She says what’s nunya, none ya damn business!

Your friend needs to mind her own business! I have several friends around your age who live with their parents, it's not that unusual. Doesn't seem to stop them dating either - she might have a point if you'd never moved out or had a job, but clearly that's not the case.

Is there something else going on with your friend, do you think? It's a strange thing to fixate on so much.

I’d find the sending property details thing quite controlling. You’ve said you’re happy where you are; why is she refusing to listen?

I think it’s quite common for people to move back in with their parents after a separation these days. Many have to do it out of necessity - you’re much luckier as it clearly works for you. Tell your so-called friend you’re not interested in any more property details, and that she can either let you get on with your own life or find a new friend.

I would directly ask her to stop going on about it and then if she continues then let the friendship slide.
If you were saying that you were going to live with your dad forever, buy into his home etc then fair enough to be concerned as it’s likely in a few years your life will have moved on but at the moment it works for you and I’m surprised that with all the Covid stuff she’d be encouraging you to live alone as that would have been really tough during lockdown.

I work 30 hours a week (I work very hard) I pay all my own bills, all of my sons childcare. His dad is not involved due to the abuse. I like that he has a male role model to socialise with. He is obsessed with his grandad. I love when he comes home in the evening. It's such a nice set up. I have explained this to my friend and she just says 'each to their own'

It is definitely a weird fixation of hers.

What?! You came out of an abusive relationship, of course you wanted to be with family! If you were my daughter I'd have wanted you back with me too, for however long you needed. The UK is one of the only countries in the world where extended families living together is seen as weird. Tell your friend to do one.

Your 'friend' is insensitive and a bit of a moron I'm my opinion.

You've just come out of an abusive relationship, I think it's a great that you and your son have the support of your family. Everyone seems happy with the set up, your dad's house is large enough for the three of you - to me this sounds really healthy and good for you. Does your friend not understand the emotional toll an abusive relationship takes on a person? Is she jealous that your family are supportive or perhaps that you're now in a better place than you were? Some 'friends' are only happy when you're having a miserable time. A good friend would be happy that you've got away from someone who was no good for you and have got a good support network.

Do what makes you happy and move on when you're ready.

She's probably right about the dating, but if you're not looking to have a string of men over, what's the big deal?
It sounds lovely, relaxing and healing.

I suspect that she's actually jealous.. you clearly have a great relationship with your parents, your parents get to see their grandchild and it works for you all!

I'd point out a) it's none of her business (and as you said, you lived independently for years) and b) plenty of families, particularly in Asian cultures always choose to live as extended families.. there are so many benefits to everyone!

FWIW I have my dd2 and her fiance living with me.. so they can save to buy a house.. both late 20s.. dd2 moved back home after a previous relationship break up because she needed us, and I was happy to have her home. I know more families like this now, than those who have all left and stayed gone...

I'd very firmly tell 'friend' to back off if she wants to remain a friend!

I don't even want to date right now. It's the furthest thing from my mind!

As as another poster said, it's very controlling of your friend, it's also really weird behaviour on her part, I'd find that really creepy. Just ignore her OP.

It wouldn't be for me living like that but if it works for you then thats OK. I'm not sure why she's so invested.

Your friend is weird and should mind her own business, but £300 per month rent is pretty much a free ride for you and your child. I paid that as a teenager living at home.

I suspect that she's actually jealous.. you clearly have a great relationship with your parents, your parents get to see their grandchild and it works for you all!

Actually this, I think StillMedusa could be right.

@Gemma2019 well my ex financially abused me and left me in 10k worth of debt, my dad earns 80k a year and we sat down and worked out what I could afford and what was fair. I pay for all of my food, I cook and clean as I should, I help with DIY, mow the lawn etc. It really isn't a free ride.

I’d tell her once quite firmly that your living arrangements are working for you, your son and your family, you don’t wish to change them, you don’t need the judgy comments and that you’re finding her insistence a bit offensive, so it’s best you don’t discuss it further.

If she can’t accept that or makes any more judgy comments then I’d be distancing myself.

I moved back in with my mum after a traumatic breakup when I was 30. Just seemed to make sense at the time, worked for us. I paid my way, shared the housework, got on well with my mum and we both appreciated the company whilst giving each other space as needed. Dating wasn’t an issue either. I eventually moved abroad and then came home again to care for my mum when she was dying, these days I look back and feel really grateful we got the time we did together. If anyone had made smart remarks I’d have told them to piss off. Maybe they were judging but I never felt it at the time.

You're too nice. I'd tell her to fuck off.
It sounds like she is jealous of your new life, she should be happy you broke away if a friend can't be happy for this positive change they're not really a friend.

If it works for you then I wouldn't give it any more headspace. She is clearly the one with issues about it not you.

What a cow! I assume she knows what you’ve gone through?!

Honestly I’d be tempted to reply with something like Our situation works for us all at the moment. DS loves having so much time with his grandparents and so do they! It’s not forever but it suits us for now. Surely you of all people know what we’ve been through and why we need this support right now. And if she says any more about it, I would drop the friendship!

Honestly, I would distance myself from her for a while.
As long as everybody involved is happy with the situation, it's not her business.