Friend said I've reverted back to being a teenager

[brababab]

Not sure whether to be offended or to just brush it off.

I left an abusive relationship around 18 months ago. Relocated 200 miles away to be with my family. I now live with my dad. 4 bedroom house, me dad and my DS who is 21 months old.

I visit my mum a couple of times a week and stay the night. She's who I've chosen to bubble with. Before lockdown I would regularly go and stay with her.

This set up works really well for all of us. My parents love being able to spend time with us. My dad regularly talks to his friends about how lucky he is to have his grandson living with him. My mum loves when we visit as she lives on her own.

I'm in no rush to move out and love living with my dad.

My friend said to me the other day that it's like I've reverted back to being a teenager. She thinks I should move out and thinks it's odd for me to be 'dependant' on my parents. (I'm not, I pay £300 rent every month, it's not a free ride). She keeps sending me links to right move properties and thinks I should move out. She's so adamant that I won't be able to date whilst I live with my dad and that there's stigma attached to a 30 year old woman living with her parents.

I'm really close to cutting her off because she's doing my head in. She has such a weird and strong opinion about me living with my dad.

AIBU to feel as though I don't want to be her friend anymore? It's not awful what she said but I just feel so distant from her now.

Weird friend. V bossy and strange to send you property links !! I would ignore, or simply say “ I love it here, so nice for both me and ds to be close to my parents “ . If she keeps on then edge out of the friendship slightly .
Your friend is clearly projecting something onto you. Is her relationship with her parents not great ? Are they not supportive ? Does she think it is terrible to be single ?
After a horrible relationship it is a very good thing to stay single, get family love and support etc. You sound sensible and mature and nothing like a teenager. She sounds jealous.

Never does anything to help*

You don't need to justify yourself to your friend or to anyone on here.

£300 a month is NOT a free ride and that's a pretty weird thing for a poster to pick up on, tbh. Says more about their issues than yours.

Your friend is jealous. Friends like these enjoy it more when you're at your lowest ebb as it makes them feel better about themselves and their life. Now you have a nicer life and in a good position its running her up the wrong way. Enjoy it, it sounds lovely and so good for your ds. Cut her off or at least just keep contact to a minimum. She's a frienemy.

You are totally doing the right thing for yourself and your son. Your ‘friend’ is being weird and sounds too me like she is jealous. If she is not supportive of your situation then let her get on with it ! And ignore what everyone says about how much you pay, it’s between yourself and your dad and I would certainly do the same in your situation. I am in my late 20s and have just moved back home due to unforeseen circumstances and my parents wouldn’t have it any other way!

OP, is there a chance that your friend has always been controlling but that you didn't really notice it before you had an abusive relationship?

Either way, I'd ditch her - she's not a friend.

I'm 43 and my husband my two boys and my Mum and Dad are all moving in together. My Mum has mobility issues and my Dad has heart disease. We're moving back to the UK and want to be near them but can't afford a house in the South East. We've got a home that's paid for overseas and a small property in the UK we rent out. We're moving into a nice 5 bed property, we'll have our own lounge and bathrooms, the only areas we will share are the garden and kitchen. It works really well as they can 'mind' the boys after school, it's enabling me to go and do a masters and change careers and they have us around when needed but also the house is big enough to have our own space. More importantly, we will be there as support as they get older and need more help (they're in their 70's). We're much better off financially by pooling resources, we enjoy each others company and its nobody else's business. It sounds like it works for all, that is all that counts. Don't allow her to make you feel like that.

@OhCaptain

You don't need to justify yourself to your friend or to anyone on here.

£300 a month is NOT a free ride and that's a pretty weird thing for a poster to pick up on, tbh. Says more about their issues than yours.

I agree...the hard of thinking always trot rubbish out like this when they can't imagine anyone having a different life or viewpoint to theirs...they seem to find it difficult to put themselves in someone elses situation and, as you say, a bizarre thing to concentrate on!

£300 is not a free ride. It's likely the OP's Dad has only chosen to charge the extra her staying has cost in council tax and bills. The OP has stated she buys her own food.

OP be careful of your friend. The sound over-invested at best. At worst she could be an extremely negative person in your life. It took me a couple of years to realise that a friend of mine was happiest when she had something to have a go at.

I have a feeling, for example, if you moved out and got a bit of help with rent from UC/HB she'd also have a negative opinion of that.

I think she's thinking about herself in your position and not you in your position. For instance I would not want to move into my Mother's house, I love her to bits but I really couldn't live with her. However I can understand that other people are not me.

So in a sense she means well, she's trying to encourage you towards the solution that would work best for her if she was in your position. If it was my friend I would tell her that I know that means well but that I don't have the emotional energy to keep explaining that my life is how I want it to be when she clearly isn't understanding what I say. I would say that I enjoy and value her friendship but perhaps we should have less contact for the time-being unless she can stop being critical of my lifestyle.

You're parents sound lovely, and I'm happy for you that you have left a bad situation for one that is considerably better in so many ways.

I split up with my husband when I was 8 months pregnant. It was devastating. I was stubborn and adamant I was staying put but I was persuaded (thank god) to move in with my parents in my home town. Me and my son who is now 13 lived there until he was nearly 1 then we got our own place 2 minutes away. I doubt I could've managed without them. Even once in our own place, they continued to help me, I am so lucky.my mum died 6 years ago but myself, son and partner still live near my dad - a minutes walk away. This has been so beneficial for all of us, as my brother is useless so I've been able to support my dad through his own health troubles and will continue to do so. Maybe your friend hasn't considered a future where she will be thankful to be so close to her own parents. You do what is right for you and your child. Good luck.

Your friend sounds a bit of a knob!

If this set up works for you all - and it sounds like it works perfectly - sod what she thinks!

YANBU. She seems to be seeking to control you to a bizarre degree. I might give her a pass for saying something stupid once, but she seems to be constantly nagging you about it, and that's beyond the bounds of acceptability.

@LouiseTrees

I would tell her you will be looking to date at some point and then will move. That you were in an abusive relationship and are not wanting to jump into anything else. Oh and that it’s “nunya”. She says what’s nunya, none ya damn business!

It’s nothing to do with her what the OP plans to do in the future.

She sounds like she’s jealous.
I don’t know why there is a stigma against living with your parents but usually it comes from people who are miserable that they have no choice but to spend all their money on rent.

I agree with others. What would she rather happen? You live in some dodgey bedsit or live with your dad, who enjoys the company?

She sounds jealous, which is bizarre considering she’s your ‘friend’.

It’s not like it’s going to be forever (although that’s none of her business even if it was)

Cut her off.

Everyone is happy with this new set up except her. Surely you are not going to upset your son, your dad and yourself for her? Don't be silly.

Stigma? Only with people who are thick.

She sounds unpleasant and I agree she is jealous.
More like Frenemy than a true friend.
A true friend would be thrilled for you.
Have you done anything like the freedom programme OP?
It can be helpful in resetting boundaries and seeing people for what they are.

My DS 27 is at mine now, was living on his own before lockdown.
Came back as he wasn't keen on being on his own for months.
It's been brilliant, he's mature and does his own cleaning and washing, we eat together He likes us being around, loves my pets .
He has been able to save like mad as he's now working.
We are all happy

I moved out at 18 for uni and then moved straight in with my (now ex) boyfriend. He was financial, emotionally and physically abusive. I finally got the courage to leave, at 27 years old, and moved straight back in with my parents. It was only supposed to be for a few months, until I got back on my feet, but once I was there, we all enjoyed it so much I ended up staying for 3 years. In that time, my parents helped me immensely and I got my life back together. Dating was no issue for me. I met my dh when I was still living at home. Honestly don’t think I would have made it without their help. I was in a bad way when my relationship ended, emotionally and physically. If it makes you happy, you stay where you are. It’s non of your friends business. Also, you are not getting a free ride, as others have said. You’re jut very lucky you have supportive parents.

I lived with my Nan and uncle on and off over the course of 20 years. To their eternal credit (and perhaps natural pessimism!) they've always kept a room ready for me in case I wanted to go back. I think it shows a supportive family. Just because your mate can't understand it, doesn't mean to say it's wrong. I'd ditch the friend and carry on at home.

Incidentally, if you have a spare room can I move in too? It honestly sounds lovely.

She's not your friend. Delete her from your life.

My DS lived and worked abroad for six years at age 30 he returned to UK, if anyone had said anything to me about this I would have been very angry. He set up a business from our dining room, ten years later he is married with kids, his own flourishing business, his own offices.

Everything will happen in its own time.

YANBU! What business is it of hers! This living setup is working for you and your dad right now, and that's all that matters. It's nice that you are getting to spend so much time with your parents and enjoying their company after what must have been a shitty time, and home ownership is not always the holy grail people make it out to be.

I was in a similar situation for a few months at 30 after my job tanked and my relationship simultaneously ended. I moved 150 miles back to my hometown to live with my parents for a bit while I sorted out my work and finances, and while it did feel quite surreal to be back, the familiarity and security were very therapeutic after all the stress I'd been through. Agree it'd be harder to date while living with parents, but as you say, that's not on your agenda just yet anyway!

Your 'friend' sounds like the type to try to tell you how to live your live and be rude about your choices under the guise of 'concern'. I'm not doubting she cares about you but in my experience this level of intrusion tends to be the hallmark of a controlling 'friend' who is possibly jealous or simply an overly outspoken person. I think it's healthy that you're considering cutting her off - a true friend would be pleased you're in a better place after your abusive relationship and wouldn't be so quick to judge.

Oh, and ignore those who are sniping on here as well. The financial arrangement you've come to with your dad is between you, and if it works for all concerned, then it works and is no one else's business.

It's lovely to be able to live as you do right now, with some family happiness all around.Your friend seems to have , what a lot of people have, and that's a warped mindset, and sticks her nose into other peoples business. Just a one track mind person.

does she not get support from her parents is it jealousy- i know someone like this eats them up that other people have had help and she doesnt-

you sound like a lovely family