Friend said I've reverted back to being a teenager

[brababab]

Not sure whether to be offended or to just brush it off.

I left an abusive relationship around 18 months ago. Relocated 200 miles away to be with my family. I now live with my dad. 4 bedroom house, me dad and my DS who is 21 months old.

I visit my mum a couple of times a week and stay the night. She's who I've chosen to bubble with. Before lockdown I would regularly go and stay with her.

This set up works really well for all of us. My parents love being able to spend time with us. My dad regularly talks to his friends about how lucky he is to have his grandson living with him. My mum loves when we visit as she lives on her own.

I'm in no rush to move out and love living with my dad.

My friend said to me the other day that it's like I've reverted back to being a teenager. She thinks I should move out and thinks it's odd for me to be 'dependant' on my parents. (I'm not, I pay £300 rent every month, it's not a free ride). She keeps sending me links to right move properties and thinks I should move out. She's so adamant that I won't be able to date whilst I live with my dad and that there's stigma attached to a 30 year old woman living with her parents.

I'm really close to cutting her off because she's doing my head in. She has such a weird and strong opinion about me living with my dad.

AIBU to feel as though I don't want to be her friend anymore? It's not awful what she said but I just feel so distant from her now.

What a shit friend.

I lived with my parents from 29-31 after also leaving an abusive marriage. It takes a long time to heal from that, and well done you for setting up a safe home for your DS in a creative way that uses everyone's resources to benefit you all.

What a dick she is.

I don't think it matters how much you do or don't pay your dad, that is private between you and him.

If everybody in the household is happy with the situation then what is the problem? Why does your friend care? She sounds weird and overbearing. Maybe she is jealous?

As an abuse victim I'm so happy that you have got a supportive family around you. It sounds like your son is happy and you are recovering so what the hell is her problem.
Weird friend.

I agree with PPs that your friend sounds jealous. She's also completely out of order, especially as she knows your situation. I'd be happy to think you were safe with your dad, if I were your friend.

I've had friends like yours in the past, who loved bossing me about. It isn't a healthy dynamic at all and you really should call your friend out on that.

Our friend lives with us and also pays £300 per month ,Will also buy some food as well .My DC friend from childhood ."Mates Rates" or whatever they are called .Your friend is not very "up" on this kind of thing and is clearly jealous by the sounds of it!

Well. Not only is your friend a judgemental and nasty weirdo but it seems so are some people on here. What the hell is that all about "That IS a free ride, it's what I paid when I was a teenager."

Seems like some people are still sore about that, as if you've read the full thread, OP is clearly not in the average teenager situation. She has an abusive ex, lots of debt and a toddler. Give her a break, you jealous ones. Honestly, it's so mean-spirited, it really is. Take a look at yourselves...

Yes, there some families who have no money and they NEED that money off their teenager, but you know, have you stopped to consider that there are plenty of families around who DON'T need that money, are more than happy to live alongside each other and enjoy each other's company and advantages that it brings. This is not at all the same as a 30 year old who has never left home and has never grown up, keeps all their salary themselves and whose parents still do everything for them.

So maybe stop to think about the way OP's situation is actually very different from your own, not only but all concerned are very happy with the situation. Why piss on OP's chips by saying that she's getting a "free ride"? YOu're as bad as the friend. Maybe you need to grow up yourselves. There's irony.

@Lalaok I don’t know why there is a stigma against living with your parents but usually it comes from people who are miserable that they have no choice but to spend all their money on rent.

You've hit the nail on the head there.

People will have to get used to multi-generational living as with the economic fallout of Covid then it will become the norm, unfortunately. There will simply be less choice about where we can live. I don't really see the difference between someone living in a house shared with the parents to adults living in house shares to be honest. They're often in nice areas with better faciltiies, and the added bonus of being with someone you love and respect instead of randoms who do your head in with their mess and noise when you're trying to sleep. Now THAT'S living like a student!

Cut the friend off. She isn't a friend.

Good for you for getting out if that relationship. Pleased your dad is willing and able to have you stay, sounds like an ideal solution. I would rather my child paid debts than paid me more rent. Sounds like your dad and son both enjoy situation too.

Your update cements it: she's not your friend.

I'm glad you're out of a dangerous relationship and moving forward, OP.

I left an abusive relationship 18 months ago too. I relocated 100 miles to be with my family.

I do live on my own with my two boys but I see my parents every other day at least. I'd go mad otherwise. I'm slowly making friendships but it's difficult when everyone has their close friend groups already.

I pay £750 in rent and it cripples me. There all the bills, the food, the boys endless clothing etc etc etc. I have no life whatsoever. I get just less than 12k a year and I am constantly crying and depressed. My clothes are 10 years old from primark. I can't get my hair done, have a night out. What your doing sounds sensible! You'll be able to save up for a mortgage deposit which is something I'll never be able to do. Buy your child nice things. Not be a stressed out, upset single mum 24/7 having to juggle EVERYTHING.

Your friend is jealous.

Hello @brababab

Sounds like you have had a really bad time with your Ex and I'm so glad for you and your son that you are away from him and what must have been a terrible environment. Long may that remain.

It sounds like you have the great, healing and loving relationship with your dad and is great that your son has the chance to bond with his grandfather. Your mother must be so pleased to see you so often, plus healthy, happy.

Everything else is noise really. Your "friend" is no friend. If she was she'd be so pleased that you were out of what sounds like a dangerous and violent man, recovering your own self and planning for your own future on your own time.

I would not want someone who sounds so jealous and insensitive on my life. Time to be firm with her and get her out of your life.

BTW I'd advising continuing to check that your Ex isn't wrecking your credit any further by taking out further loans. Check online with Experian. I'm assuming you changed all your passwords on all online accounts, eg banking, email, SM etc and that you are entirely safe.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Is she hoping to move in with you if you get a place of your own?

I think it's ironic she uses the phrase "each to their own" whilst clearly not understanding what it means!

Re the "free ride" comments, I really wouldn't think much of a father who offers his house to his daughter and grandchild when they flee domestic abuse, only to charge them more than they cost to keep. OP is not profiting from her poor elderly dad - he's working and very well paid, she's juggling a job and childcare and has debts through no fault of her own. But being a right-thinking parent, he's not profiting from her either (in an financial sense). If they do cost a trifle more than that (though if OP buys food it won't be much more) well, it's a small price to pay to know your child is safe, surely?

@Anniegetyourgun Exactly! I have 2 DDs and I would want them to come back to us if they were fleeing domestic abuse! My DSis came to stay with us at weekends after leaving her abusive first marriage so how much more would I want to have one of my DDs come to live with us in those circumstances. Especially if the alternative was a refuge.

The OP's parents in all likelihood knew that something was wrong in her relationship and were worried about her. So they'll be relieved that she and her DS have left and that they can give her a chance to heal and pay off her debts.

Tell her to mind her own business. You don't owe her any explanations. If she persists, drop the friendship and tell her why. Which would be that she's a meddlesome nag who can't keep her nose out!

DD and I lived with my dad for over a year after I fled DV when she was a tiny baby. To be honest it was lovely. I was independent. I worked, paid rent, covered all my own outgoings. But I also wasn't sat at home alone with a baby waiting for my ex to bang on the door. And my DD has the best relationship with my dad. He's her favourite person and a great male role model.

We've moved out now but we're still very local to my dad so we see him all the time.

It wasn't ideal but it worked for us at a time when we really needed that extra bit of support.

Stick to your guns OP. If it's what you want/need right now and everyone is happy then your friend is an idiot for not seeing that.

Sounds like everyone is happy and enjoying being together. Cut her off or let her know she is overstepping.

If she's normally a good friend, I wouldn't drop her. Just tell her bluntly that you cake out of an abusive relationship and now feel really happy. You'd appreciate it if she would just respect that. If she brings it up again, just say yeah we've covered this, I'm happy.

And it sounds lovely to me. That's what families are for

My parents are the last people I'd want to live with but if I liked them I'd have done the same as you OP.
Your current situation sounds lovely, you're happy and it's working well for everyone involved.

I find the free ride idea baffling too. Why should anyone pay market rates in rent when they have a mutually supportive living arrangement with their family that works for them? What about landlords who get a free ride from tenants who have no option but to pay excessive rents? It sounds like you have a lovely set up so enjoy it!

Zigz exactly. The friend's jealous. My SIL pays something to her Dad but it's not market rent....why would he take market rent when he can more than afford not to?

The "free ride" comments were only because the OP used the phrase herself in the opening post, and said she pays £300 so not a free ride. People were just pointing out that while it is fantastic that OP's dad is helping her at her time of need, he is financially subsidising her lifestyle considerably. Which, I reiterate, is great for the OP and a nice and generous thing for him to do. But not insignificant financially.

If it suits you, and you and your family are happy then what has it even got to do with this friend.