Friend said I've reverted back to being a teenager

[brababab]

Not sure whether to be offended or to just brush it off.

I left an abusive relationship around 18 months ago. Relocated 200 miles away to be with my family. I now live with my dad. 4 bedroom house, me dad and my DS who is 21 months old.

I visit my mum a couple of times a week and stay the night. She's who I've chosen to bubble with. Before lockdown I would regularly go and stay with her.

This set up works really well for all of us. My parents love being able to spend time with us. My dad regularly talks to his friends about how lucky he is to have his grandson living with him. My mum loves when we visit as she lives on her own.

I'm in no rush to move out and love living with my dad.

My friend said to me the other day that it's like I've reverted back to being a teenager. She thinks I should move out and thinks it's odd for me to be 'dependant' on my parents. (I'm not, I pay £300 rent every month, it's not a free ride). She keeps sending me links to right move properties and thinks I should move out. She's so adamant that I won't be able to date whilst I live with my dad and that there's stigma attached to a 30 year old woman living with her parents.

I'm really close to cutting her off because she's doing my head in. She has such a weird and strong opinion about me living with my dad.

AIBU to feel as though I don't want to be her friend anymore? It's not awful what she said but I just feel so distant from her now.

I moved back in with my parents. Originally to save for a house deposit but then my husband fucked off (not related to living with parents he was just a dick) and me and my 2 children ended up staying for another four years.

It wasn't always easy, I often felt guilty about the level of msss my kids would make or that their living room was taken over by toys long after their children were grown up and they were getting their house back. My mum and I had some absolute ding dongs as well!

However....free babysitting! Even if I just needed to pop out to the pharmacy or something on a Saturday lunch time the chances were I could leave the kids playing rather than load them up in the car. Also evening babysitting-I was able to start up a hobby again, go out dating (eventually) and generally was able to be fairly free with my evenings as long as I got the kids to bed before going out.

My kids also adore their grandparents, they have a wonderful relationship and, as their dad is a twat, I also love that they have a really positive male influence in their life in the shape of my dad. Having that time staying with my parents really really helped me to come to terms with my divorce and build myself up again.

I'm now in a council house, got to the top of the list last November and I love having my own space and parenting and cleaning and cooking totally on my terms but equally now have to pay for babysitting, don't get a cup of tea made for me and sometimes get a bit bored in the evenings with nobody to talk to. And the grim hour of getting in from work, picking up the kids and wrestling them into bed is definitely harder without another adult to good cop/bad cop (true of a lot of situations actually!)

I think your setup sounds great and it's utterly bizarre that your friend is so invested in your living situation-why does it make a jot of difference to her life?!

@Thelnebriati

I'm guessing your friend is happier when there's more of an imbalance in your relationship. Now you have a secure and happy home life and a job, its harder for her to feel like you need her.

My thoughts exactly.

@brababab I went back to live with my dad years ago (was in my early 30s). Different circumstances (due to work location and it was near him) and a short term thing.
We both loved it, I paid rent as you do. We had the best time ever. I cherish every moment.
Tragically he died in a car accident when I'd gone away for the weekend. I was dumbstruck as if literally gone away for a long weekend.
Looking back I'm so glad we had that extra time together as adults. It was the best time ever and every day I'll be eternally grateful for it.
If it suits you then you carry on and enjoy it. I'm sure he does too x

I'm trying to think outside the box here. Is it possible that your friend thinks you're hiding back at your dad's house rather than addressing the trauma of your abuse? It sounds to me that you have a fantastic arrangement that gives you the time and space to heal, both emotionally and financially, plus provides a stable and loving environment for your little one. But maybe your friend sees it as a form of escapism and is worried for your longer term wellbeing. It's the only (kind) explanation I can think of. Whatever her reasons, she either needs to understand that her judgemental behaviour isn't helpful or supportive, or she isn't a friend that you need in your life right now.

Your friend - "To each his own"

Also your friend - "You are wrong. Let me send you lots of info about other places to live".

Which is it, 'friend'?

I don’t understand why £300 is a free ride. I know people living in a room in a house share / lodger set up that don’t pay much more than this. Assuming OP pays for her own food, £300 would more than cover the extra water / electric etc if an extra adult and child came to live with me (also live in a 4 bed house). Charging a teenager who hasn’t moved out yet market rate so they get used to real life budgeting is perhaps one thing. But, especially if I were as well-off as OP’s dad, I couldn’t possibly seek to make money out of the OP’s situation.

Ya £300 per month is not a free ride. Paying nothing is literally a free ride. So I don't know why posters are going on about that! I can only assume they don't come from families where helping each other out is the norm.

Does your friend have children OP? I remember an ex of mine had a similar set up in his parents house. His sister lived there with her DC. I was young and a bit of an idiot and I couldn't understand why she didn't move out. Now that I have my own DC I completely understand why! It was actually a lovely dynamic. She was a brilliant mum and I think her parents support greatly contributed to that, as she didn't have some of the stresses she wouldn't have had living alone so she was able to fully enjoy her DC. The relationship between her DC and their grandparents was very special. Honestly I don't know why more people don't do things this way!

So nice for him to be able to become involved to this extent with his grandson. This is a lovely set up. I hope it continues for as long as you both want it to, and that if and when you move out, it’s only because that’s what’s right for you all - not because of some envious words from a ‘friend.’

It's so common in other cultures for intergenerational households. And it's perfect and lovely. Why would you choose to live alone with a child? So lonely for both of you.

I moved back home to my mum and dad in my early 30's, heavily pregnant, financially and emotionally shattered from a broken relationship. The unconditional love and support my parents gave me as an "failed" adult child, both emotionally and financially (by allowing me to pay minimal costs initially) has allowed me to rebuild myself and has totally changed my perspective on life.

I returned to work full time happy in the knowledge that my daughter was well cared for by the two people in the world that loved her as much as I did and I was able to clear my debts and contribute fully financially.

Eighteen years on, I'm still here but through mutual preference rather than necessity as the dynamics of our multi-generational household work for us.

Sadly my mum passed away seven years ago. My dad is now in his mid to late 80's and needs me around more, both as company and day to day support. Again by mutual consent, I've gone part time and am contributing less financially which currently works for us as dad has no financial worries. Being at home more, I have been able to take over the hard graft in maintaining the garden which has always been my parents pride and joy leaving my dad to potter doing the pretty bits. I do things like changing his bed because it's quicker and easier for me. I cut his toenails because he finds it a struggle now and make sure he has his favorite foods and picky bits available because he doesn't have much of an appetite.

My daughter is now 18 and relates well to all age groups. She adores her grandad and he's been like her dad as he's always been there for her. He's picked her up from school on wet days, played numerous games, painted with her, taken her shopping and never once complained about her having friends round when many of her friends parents won't allow friends in their houses. He's helped her with anything she's stuck on and he was an god send with explaining Shakespeare when I would have failed miserably!

Many people, some of them "friends" some barely even acquaintances have felt the need to comment on our family set up over the years. They have all been of pretty much the same opinion that "it's not right, you need your own place" or somehow I'm missing out on something because "you can't bring men home" (I've remained happily single) but it is true to say not one person has understood that I am honestly happy and content living in my unique multi-generational home with people that I genuinely love and very rarely have crossed words with. I have a few close, genuine friends and a wider circle, mostly from work passed and present. I have hobbies and interests, some solo. some shared with my family and friends.
I also have a wonderful neighbour who has become a dear friend and who looks out for my dad if he's home alone. I have my beloved cats that I probably wouldn't have been able to have if I'd lived elsewhere.

If I am missing out on something , I am at a loss as to what it might be because my life is a happy one and right now, I wouldn't change a thing.

Op, live your life in the way that makes you happy and not by other people's rule book.

@DiggingForClues that is lovely

Surely it is possible to disagree with a good friend, even about something important, without cutting each other off? But if that is what it takes to live peacefully, cut her off.

As for adults living with their parent; I suspect that for the short term you are right, and for the medium to long term she is right. That, of course, is a wild generalisation and I dont know you.
Your friend does know you, so her opinion might be worth listening to, but I agree, no need to listen to it endlessly because she wont shut up about it.
So I'm back to where I started. If she wont shut up and it is doing your head in, tell her she is doing your head in and if she still continues, then cut her off.

I dont find your situation odd at all. For those harping on about the rent, her dad is clearly well off earning £80k. He doesnt need the rent so why would he 'make' money off of his daughter? I think it would be perfectly acceptable if he charged OP nothing whilst she cleared her debts. The fact is she does pay rent.

Why wouldnt a parent want to help their child? Mn is so weird about this. Like you have to stop parenting tour children once they hit 18.

Carry on OP. Seems like you are in a great position to rebuild your life. Well done.

@Diggingforclues sounds perfect. You are very lucky to enjoy family life. I'm sorry for your loss.

Some people are unhealthily invested in others' lives. Do you think she was enjoying the drama of your life and is now demanding fresh material for new episodes?

It occurs to me: Many people live with their parents not because they prefer to, but because they can't afford to move. Maybe she thinks that you are in this category, and is trying to point you to possibly affordable properties. She should still not be trying to interfere in your life to this extent, but it is not quite as bad as if she were accusing you of getting a 'free ride'. Maybe you should tell her that you are doing what you wish to at present, that it suits all the people involved, and it's stressful when she keeps pressing you. And then just say 'I'd rather not discuss it any more' if she brings it up again.

I don’t understand why £300 is a free ride. I know people living in a room in a house share / lodger set up that don’t pay much more than this.

Exactly - plus, people saying ‘£300 isn’t much’ are assuming the OP’s dad would actually want the alternative of a paying lodger. It might be his worst nightmare. I know my parents would rather sell up then have lodgers, but would they take me in if I needed somewhere? No question.

Anyone questioning the £300 figure should consider that maybe it’s not a case of £300 a month instead of £500 (or whatever the going rate is in the area) - it may be £300 instead of nothing.

It's £300 for TWO people.

Most teenagers can't wait to get away from their parents so I wouldn't say you're like one at all.
It's a dumb thing to say and I'd just ignore her

It's £300 for TWO people

So what? It's not like the baby can pay rent...

If OPs dad is happy to have them there it's £300 he wouldn't be getting otherwise. I can't imagine the bills have increased by that much per month and OP buys her own food. Regardless, many parents would charge minimal if anything in this scenario so why the big deal about what OP pays? It's besides the point!

We are obsessed with property in this country! And all the houses and house moves etc, makes very little sense for a lot of families. For instance, my parents do a lot of childcare for me (single parent). I can't afford to buy a property yet. Probably around the same time I do, they will then need more care. So I will be driving from my house to theirs, only they will have probably moved to a smaller place to retire. I will have bought a small house. So we end up with two small houses instead of their bigger house which they already have. Then in time they might move in because their care needs have increased, by this time my kids will be moving out into private rentals as they can't afford to buy because they feel like they should to not be weird and live with their parent and/or grandparents. It's a nonsense

£300 isn't much?
It's what most people pay for emergency and temporary housing from the council and for a room in a refuge (with kids in tow) so I'd say £300 is bang on the money for somebody fleeing domestic violence when those are the alternatives. Most HA/council Rents are around that too (at least they are if your not in the south east). It's only over inflated private rents that will cost more than that. Most people don't pay that much more for a mortgage

What's the issue about £300 a month being a free ride. What a weird fixation some people have. If I was on £80k a year, and had space in my house and my daughter and grandchild needed somewhere to go to escape abuse I wouldn't take any money from her. If I did to make her feel better about staying with me, I'd stick it in a savings account and give it back to her when ready to sort out her own place. It will be hers anyway when i pop off either wholly or partly. Other than food, the changes to my household outgoings wouldn't be anything major. I'd do that for any of my kids. Is there an age where we have to stop helping them?
As for the friend, sounds envious and controlling. Tell her to mind her own business. If she won't then go NC.

Hrtft, so sorry for repeating. But there is a giant difference between moving back in with parents (especially in these circumstances) and never leaving home. Also as for dating, why would it matter if you didn't have your own place if they did? Or is it just a another case of women having to be the more grown-up one in the relationship?

It seems to be often the case that only when you reach your thirties you realise living with family is actually a really nice thing and beneficial for everyone. After spending our twenties trying to escape our families DH and I have just moved next door to our in laws! And fully expect to have to move in with a family member at some stage as they live alone and are getting older and will probably need care and company.

Your friend sounds silly and a bit immature.