Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

319 replies

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:44

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Fedup21 · 18/07/2020 09:45

What exactly did you say?

LouiseTrees · 18/07/2020 09:47

Give her time. Maybe he’s controlling and won’t let her go anywhere alone and has read the message too.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:49

@Fedup21

What exactly did you say?
I said that i didnt want to become passive agressive about it, so wanted to set things straight, and that i found it entitled and a little disrespectful to constantly assume her boyfriend is invited without consulting us, just expecting that it will be ok with everyone, even though a) it changes the dynamic, b) none of us know him well, and c) he isn't in the group chat and none of us come as a pair with our SO, even though most of us are with partners and live with them, etc. i apologised in advance if the message made her feel sad/pissed off, etc, but felt it needed to be said. i think it was a reasonable message, not overly confrontational, and i made it clear i didn't want to end the friendship, just to be honest about how I feel, as I feel that the feelings of the rest of the group should be considered.
OP posts:
strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:50

@LouiseTrees

Give her time. Maybe he’s controlling and won’t let her go anywhere alone and has read the message too.
see i think it's actually my friend who is quite controlling. she hates the boyfriend seeing his friends, and regularly bitches about them, and is trying to 'steer him away' from seeing his friends on his birthday and she wants the whole day just the two of them!!
OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/07/2020 09:51

I too hate the assumption that relatively new boy/girlfriends are invited. It’s very presumptuous. I’ve asked friends to things before and been told ‘We’ll see what we’re doing and get back to you’. Who’s we?!

Janaih · 18/07/2020 09:52

I had a friend that would always do this, it was annoying. If it's her first relationship for a while then cut her a bit of slack though.

What did you expect her to reply to you? A grovelling apology? It will have stung her a bit I'm sure. Maybe she wants to come alone but her bf is the clingy type?
See what happens on your next meetup. If hes not there and she doesn't mention your message, job done. If he is then you can decide best course of action.

SmileEachDay · 18/07/2020 09:53

Did you really write it as though you were the mouthpiece of the whole group? “We don’t...etc”?

If you did then I’m not surprised she hasn’t replied.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:54

@Janaih

I had a friend that would always do this, it was annoying. If it's her first relationship for a while then cut her a bit of slack though.

What did you expect her to reply to you? A grovelling apology? It will have stung her a bit I'm sure. Maybe she wants to come alone but her bf is the clingy type?
See what happens on your next meetup. If hes not there and she doesn't mention your message, job done. If he is then you can decide best course of action.

i think i just hoped she might reply with her perspective, snce it might be different to mine, and hoped we could have a mature discussion. i feel like communication and honesty are always the best policies and it's frustrating me that other friends have also mentioned they find it annoying, but for some reason are very unwilling to discuss it with her, which seems to me like just enabling it to continue.
OP posts:
SRK16 · 18/07/2020 09:54

I don’t disagree with you. However, your message sounds quite confrontational even if you didn’t mean it that way. Maybe a quiet/gentle word face to face would have been better to put it across. Anyway it’s done now, but if it were me and I didn’t hear from her in the next dys or so I would follow up with a message saying something like, really hope I haven’t upset you, love seeing you and boyfriend is lovely, just nice to have you on your own sometimes too.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:55

@SmileEachDay

Did you really write it as though you were the mouthpiece of the whole group? “We don’t...etc”?

If you did then I’m not surprised she hasn’t replied.

nah, i just did it as 'I'. dont really wanna drag others into it, it's their choice whether they wanna confront her or not
OP posts:
GhostCurry · 18/07/2020 09:56

You called her entitled in the message? And you don’t think the message was confrontational?!

Pinkdelight3 · 18/07/2020 09:57

Wow, I think YANBU in principle but sounds like you worded it pretty harshly. No need to tell her off about it. I don't see how she could reply to that nicely. You could easily have said something much warmer about how you'd love it if she came without him so you can just see her and it be the group without DPs etc.

Bella2020 · 18/07/2020 09:57

I would find it odd if a friend brought her partner to everything, as you say. But how exactly did you phrase your thoughts in your message to her? Were you gentle or quite blunt about it? Maybe you shocked her into realising she could be in a controlling relationship? Maybe she just doesn't want to be without this man?

You could send a conciliatory message. If not, you'll just have to wait and see if and when she gets back to you.

msbevvy · 18/07/2020 09:57

You called her 'entitled' and 'disrespectful'.
No wonder she hasn't replied. I think you could have broached the subject in a much gentler way. She is probably so smitten with him that she just hasn't twigged that others won't be so delighted to be in his company.

MRex · 18/07/2020 09:58

That message reads like you've all had a lengthy chat and decided as a group to scold her like a child so she is put in her place, so I doubt she'll come out with you all again. I hope that was the outcome you wanted and that your other friends are completely on board with that.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:58

@GhostCurry

You called her entitled in the message? And you don’t think the message was confrontational?!
i dont think i was overly confronational, or argumentative. i just stated my perspective. i'm not gonna tiptoe around the issue and sugarcoat it. i think she is being entitled.
OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 18/07/2020 09:58

And yet your entire message was about how the “group” operates?

How did you do that without bring the group into it?

Merryoldgoat · 18/07/2020 09:58

If you used the words ‘entitled’ and ‘disrespectful’ and ‘set things straight’ I’d ignore you too.

That is confrontational and abrasive language.

You could have easily dealt with it differently but you chose to do it unpleasantly.

The sentiment is fine, I agree with the principle but the delivery was shoddy.

VettiyaIruken · 18/07/2020 09:59

Calling someone entitled and disrespectful is quite confrontational. She is probably a bit upset. She'll probably reply in the end.

cuddlymunchkin · 18/07/2020 09:59

I'm not surprised your group don't know him very well when you seem to be going out of your way to make sure he doesn't integrate in. Have you organised anything for couples to join? Are you single yourself and maybe just a teensy bit jealous? You certainly come across in your posts as very aggressive and rather nasty tbh, you haven't gone about talking this through with her in a very nice way. Don't you think a face to face chat would have been better? With a more gentle way in rather than the slap you delivered your Facebook message with?

Merryoldgoat · 18/07/2020 09:59

You can be direct without be unpleasant.

Piffle11 · 18/07/2020 10:02

If you actually used the words ‘disrespectful’ and ‘entitled‘, then I’m not surprised she hasn’t responded. I think with a conversation like this you should’ve had a word with her, not sent her a message. Maybe you could’ve just said ‘next time we go for a walk is there any chance you could come on your own?’ And explain why. It sounds as though she wants to know where he is and what he’s up to, so will always bring him.

user1493413286 · 18/07/2020 10:03

To be honest based on your description of the message I can understand why she would be upset and pissed of; I get that you’re trying to be honest but actually I think you came across as rude. I think there are ways to be honest without being judgemental; just a straight forward “it’s been good to meet your boyfriend but next time we’d like to see just you as it changes the dynamic in the group”.
I’m with you on partners not being always brought and it does change the dynamics but I don’t think the way you went about it was right.

WombatStewForTea · 18/07/2020 10:03

While I agree with you your tone comes across very confrontational and aggressive. Why would you tell her she's being entitled?! Would it really have been do hard to say nicely how you love hanging out with her but it's not the same when she brings the boyfriend so could you just go back to it being the girls.

Thehop · 18/07/2020 10:03

Your message was very unpleasant

A simple “we’ve loved getting to know Steve a bit but I’m really missing having you you on just girls stuff. We’re doing a boyfriend free picnic if you’re up for it Saturday? We can’t wait” would have sufficed

Swipe left for the next trending thread