to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

It's certainly odd. I can't imagine my husband would have wanted to come along to things I did with female friends if no other partners were involved, neither did I ever want to go to his car club!

I don't think you were unreasonable but - she might. They are still in the honeymoon phase, some people are just like that for the first year or so but it doesn't last.

I agree that the situation is awkward, but your message was confrontational and hurtful, you made it sound as if the group have been gossiping about her, it’s all very superior. If I were her, I would not reply, and I’d cut you all out of my life. Even if you’re right, and she is controlling, things could have been said in a much gentler and productive way. This is the classic “ I call a spade a spade “ attitude, which really just means ill mannered.

Agree, I think this friendship is over, and because of the impact it will have on the group, likely the group with the op is also over. It will be very awkward now, and the group will likely have to choose between which of the two to invite to events, and the recipient of the message will likely win because of the way th op attacked,

It’s now up to the woman whether she pulls the ops arse out the fire or burns her more in retaliation,

The silence coupd indicate she’s letting others know and canvassing opinion.

The worst thing about text messages is she can forward it. So the op can’t deny it, the group will see it and have the same reaction everyone here has had.

Imo it would have been better to ignore the past incidences but for the next meetup make it clears it just a 'girls' get together. (Sorry about use of 'girls' - 'women' sounds a bit weird to me in this context).

A bad move all round, I’d say.
This will bite you back.

Her partner is half of her life, why wouldn't she assume he's invited?
Because it's always rude to assume an invite when none has been given?
She's been with him less than a year, I would bloody hope he's not "half her life" at this stage

Oh my goodness!! I tend to agree - I think you will most likely lose your friendship over this.

I suspect that after that message, your friendship with her will be over. The question will be if she takes the other friends with her. I would be most angry if someone sent an email to someone else like that on my behalf.

Honestly I think you’ve spent too much time here on MN- that’s the sort of shit people post - but back in the real world you don’t speak to people like that.

If I got a message like that I would end the friendship. I’d also laugh at someone ten years younger than me speaking like an idiot - it’s like you wanted to sound “grown up” and in doing so sound incredibly immature.

Well she might lose the friend but perhaps she didn't want the friend who comes as a job lot with a man? Also a woman who is controlling her boyfriend doesn't sound like a very nice person to hang around with.
But the message probably came across strong, could follow up with a "hope I didn't upset you I just wanted the chance for a good chat with you" type thing.

Your message was really horrible. Talk about sledgehammer to crack a nut. I'd be surprised if your friendship survives this.

I'm also interested to know what you think "entitled" and "disrespectful" mean. In my view, her behaviour is irritating and misguided. It would only be entitled and disrespectful if she'd already been asked not to bring the boyfriend along to "girls only" outings, but continued to do so, spoiling the event for others.

I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

@ZaZathecat

Imo it would have been better to ignore the past incidences but for the next meetup make it clears it just a 'girls' get together. (Sorry about use of 'girls' - 'women' sounds a bit weird to me in this context).

This is exactly how a mature and kind friend would have dealt with the situation. Spot on.

@Goingdownto

I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

Many posters have agreed it's rude to presume he was invited but that doesn't make what the OP said to her friend ok. In comparison inviting her parter along is at worst a small frustration that a little friendly conversation could have easily resolved.

I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

I honestly don't think it's rude to bring a partner along to a casual meet up in a park or a walk etc. I would assume my partner was invited unless someone said otherwise and if I was the organiser I would assume my friends would bring their partners if they wanted to come along. But then judging from some of the comments I'm more mature than a lot of the posters here. If I wanted to spend time alone with a friend I would arrange exactly that and tell them so.

@Goingdownto

I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

Depends. The OP reads as though these meetups have been implicitly rather than explicitly planned as boyfriend-free. In that case, I think the friend has made errors of judgement - annoying and insensitive ones, not reading the situation properly.

If people have been very clear all along that these things are "girls only", then yes, she's been rude. Either way, the OP comes across as immature and frankly a bit mean.

Also quite shocked that you think that is not confrontational.

What’s wrong with going in gently, with a face to face conversation, “it would be lovely to see you without X sometime, maybe we should make the next meet up a girls’ day?”

Your message, if appropriate at all (because you make so many assumptions about her motives, “entitled and disrespectful” indeed...without even a chat to find out what she’s thinking and why) might have been better placed when she’d ignored 2 or 3 actual and clearly communicated suggestions to make the day women only.

I’d block you after that shit. People who go around “telling it how it is” and not “sugar-coating it” are generally aggressive arseholes who can’t take consequences of their own actions.

If you are going to tell it how it is (actually, how you think it is) you;re going to have to suck up the consequences of that and accept that comes with the territory. So here, you sent a shitty message and she hasn’t responded. Suck it up. She may never be the same with you again...likewise...suck it up and learn a life lesson.

@Goingdownto possibly - but I’ve noticed that the op says “mostly female group” which to be honest changes things.

I also think the current situation changes things a bit as well. It’s not a normal time - We’ve all been stuck indoors and if dh was going out in a group (not men only) and left me at home I’d feel a bit pissed off tbh.

Goingdownto
I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

OP was horribly rude and sounds like a child trying to sound like a grown up but actually communicating like a petulant teen. I think the whole 'brining the man long' thing is less rude. More annoying and a poor choice. A gentle word would have been normal

Also re-reading your OP it sounds like you are quite a bit younger than the rest of the group - I think you may find it’s not her who ends up on the wrong side of this. Your behaviour was immature.

How do you all know each other?

"I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?"
No, especially as the group is "mostly women". Nothing wrong with friend thinking it was okay for her partner to go along in those circumstances.

I don't know why OP had to mention that friends are in their 30s and she's in her 20s. What's the relevance of that?

What's the relevance of OP telling us her friend and her bf became official and moved in together quickly and posts intimate details of her relationship on Facebook? The OP must think this is connected in some way but I can't, for the life of me, figure out the connection.

Interesting that the OP isn't happy her friend hasn't responded but now seems to have done a runner herself.

Fair point but badly delivered. In my experience, people who say things like 'I don't sugar coat things' or 'I speak my mind' are a) rude and b) often quite sensitive to criticism themselves.

@Goingdownto is the OP then.
Just take it on the chin that you've screwed up, call her up and apologise. Next time remember that you make a polite request first, that nobody has a right to scold a "friend" regardless but could then be more assertive (still not rude) and that even in extreme irritation you shouldn't speak for others without their permission.

As you labelled her with "entitled , disrespectful, you constantly assume" it would hardly be surprising if she does think you are passive- aggressive and confrontational .

You were baiting her to provoke an argument ("mature discussion" , my arse) and she blanked it. You have been cold shouldered, stonewalled, ignored .

Someone with your keen appreciation of honest communication, surely recognises that silence can say more than a punch in the teeth.

I don't agree with her bringing her boyfriend along but that message was horrible. No tact at all and if I was a member of the group I would be furious wir you for sending it and assuming you get to speak for me. I would end a friendship with anyone who sent me that.