to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

fair enough guyz. seems like i'm not BU in principle but worded the message a bit harshly. point taken. for the record, I'm not single myself. i've given this friend a lot of support in the past and i've found that she struggles a lot with taking ownership of her own issues, and has lost a lot of friends because of it, due to both sides being passive agressive. i guess i just dont want the same to happen.

“i dont think i was overly confronational, or argumentative. i just stated my perspective. i'm not gonna tiptoe around the issue and sugarcoat it. i think she is being entitled.”
Personally I don’t think that excuses being mean but if you’re going to go about it in that way then you have to take the consequences of her being upset; you don’t get to excuse how she might then feel about it by saying you just stated your perspective (always your perspective is actually your judgement). You should have just stuck to how him coming made you feel rather than a character assassination of her.

i dont think i was overly confronational, or argumentative.

Christ. I think you friendship-endingly confrontational about a very subjective opinion.

I don’t think you like her.

Your message was super confrontational if this is the first time addressing the issue. Not a very mature way of dealing with it. You’ve gone from 0-100. Having never mentioned you had a problem with her boyfriend coming, as a first step you could have simply said:

“hey friend, I’d really love to catch up with you one on one (you know how guys change the dynamic)- do you mind if it’s just you that comes to coffee next time? Maybe we can arrange a night out with partners so everyone can get to know [new boyfriend]. Let me know”

Your message accused her of being entitled and disrespectful- you don’t know why she brought her boyfriend - she might be super happy and just not thinking, he might be controlling and not allowing her out on her own. But you went straight in assuming the negative. You also made it clear all your friends have been talking about her, and spoke on their behalf. If I’m being perfectly honest with you, I couldn’t be friends with you after that. I don’t mind confrontation but I really dislike it when a friend speaks in “group speak”- it’s super manipulative and rude.

I think you owe her an apology.

Surely it would have been a lot simpler when organising an event to say “who fancies a girls’ walk on Thursday” or “shall we have picnic on Saturday - us and other halves”. Just start making it clear when partners are invited and when they are not.

Wow I actually think you sound like a bit of a dick in that message to be honest.

I don’t think your reasoning is unreasonable at all, but surely it would have been better to say ‘we’re going to have a girls day next week, no partners’

Or even say ‘I know you’re in a new relationship, but sometimes we want to do things together without our partners, and wondered if perhaps you could double check before inviting him?’

I would be very angry if my friend sent me a Message like that.

I am generally very laid back and just a simple, ‘we’re all meeting up, girls only, are you coming?’ would absolutely be enough.

I personally think your message, calling her entitled and what not is more out of line than her assuming her boyfriend would be welcome. I had a friend that did this, it was very annoying but she was in love and just wanted us all to get to know each other. She stopped bringing him after a while once the relationship settled.

I would also ignore this message as I would find it very immature making such a big deal out of something that didn’t be and just for the simple fact that my friend would speak to me like that over something with non malicious intent.

I absolutely see your position but that message was harsh. How do you think she feels now? What does everyone else in the group think?

That was an awful message! No wonder she hasn’t replied. You sound like you’re looking for a fight. Why on earth couldn’t you just say the meet ups are just for the girls and could she leave him at home next time.

How would you have felt if you received that message? Honestly?

It was mean. Deliberately so. You took your anger out on her rather than being dispassionate and factual.

Talk about sledgehammer. You could have started gently and said how nice it’d be to just be the girls for a while. Maybe she is trying to help you lot get to know him by keep bringing him as you and he are important to her. I’m quite a forthright person but I’d never be so mean and rude in a message like that to anyone let alone a friend. I certainly wouldn’t respond or continue a friendship with someone who communicated with me like that!

Next meet up being arranged I'd have just said 'Can we make it a girls only thing- seems ages since we've met up just us for a proper catch up.' If she came alone, problem solved with no need to fall out and be confrontational. If she said she wasn't happy with that then maybe that would have been the time to have a proper talk about it.

But it's done now. Could you maybe message and say something like 'Really sorry if my last message upset you. I just miss the chance to meet up with you without X there sometimes so that we can have a proper catch up.'

Wow-I think you appear to have solved the issue with that email, as I can’t imagine she’ll want to spend any time with you again.

What a shame/this could have been handled without such an unpleasant and confrontational message.

I think you were hugely OTT. Whilst YANBU when it comes to not wanting her to bring her man you could have just said, "Just us girls though" for your next meet up. It would have been more than enough of a hint. Now had she still brought her boyfriend after that then YANBU to send a message like that but I think you used a sledgehammer on a drawing pin there.

You shouldn't have called her those things, you were over the top cruel! Should have said you're not sure if she realised but when things were planned it was on the assumption it was just girls and you just wanted to clear it up to save further crossed wires. If a "friend" called me that I would tell them to stick the friendship! You're actually the one who sounds entitled

You keep saying no one knows him very well... I wonder why?.
I do agree it's annoying for her to invite him to everything but like other posters have said.. maybe do a couples night?. It sounds like your OH wouldn't want to go anyway and you're all jealous that he's very committed to her and putting the effort in to get to know her friends. I think that's an important quality.
If I was your friend and your first approach would be to call me entitled and disrespectful that friendship would be over. It's a nasty way to deliver. You could have easily been a lot gentler.
You sound bitchy discussing it as a group and you're trying to make yourself look good by saying something. Sorry just my opinion.

Op you’re getting a bit of a pasting here. I understand why you sent the message but I agree with others that it will have made her feel crap. Why not send another message saying that on reflection your text was harsh and you didn’t mean to come across that way, then say something simple about wanting to spend time with her. Maybe meet her face to face, if she’s up for that, and have a calm conversation.

You've handled this very poorly. It would've been better next event to say, it's the women/girls only no one is bringing partners at the time of the invitation. Then maybe address it on the day, oh isn't it nice when it's just us, bringing partners along changes the dynamic and must be uncomfortable/boring for them when they're the only token male!
You've gone in with a sledge hammer and called her disrespectful and entitled straight off the bat, which frankly is way too much.

While I agree with you I think that message was awful,it sounds like a work review (that she failed)
Something along the lines of “ hey X, hope you dont take this the wrong way but it would be nice to see just you on your own without BF sometime. Nothing against him but it is great to have just a girls meet up”
Are you one of there “ not gunna lie, I tell it how it is” people who think it’s ok to be as mean as you like as long as it’s “true”

Telling someone their behaviour is “entitled” and “disrespectful” in a message is a horrible thing to do. You are not unreasonable to feel annoyed she keeps bringing him. But you should have had a proper conversation with her about it or at least taken a less critical approach by way of message. You have acknowledged she is insecure. That would have been an awful thing for her to read. She is likely feeling hurt and humiliated. The message was unkind and insulting and I’m not surprised she has not replied.

Your message was terribly worded if it really was as you've described it. I wouldn't worry though because the issue has been solved - she'll either not turn up to any further meet ups at all, or she'll organise them without inviting you.

It's a shame you've gone in so abrasively though, as YANBU about the core issue.

Yikes. That message was friendship ending.

If someone sent me a message like that I'd assume they didn't want to be friends anymore and I was dumped from the group.

I totally agree with you that it's annoying and that a conversation needed to be had, but god, that was a harsh way of doing it.

I’m always told I’m blunt and direct but I would never send a message like that to a friend.

You called her entitled and disrespectful and did the fake apology. Massive overreaction on your part.