to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

Op, your message was nothing short of aggressive and bullying. You may have had the upper hand with the group before, but you’ve lost it now. No matter what they tell you no one is going to like th way you attacked her, and then pretending that it was non confrontational and acting the wide eyed innocent,

I’m assuming you’re worried now and that’s why you’ve started this thread, because you know you went too far and want validation?

I’d probably feel that you thought so badly of me that I’d be best removing myself from any further group activities

See I’d not, I’d forward it to the group individually and ask if they felt the same, explain how hurt I am by the attack, and turn them against the op.

You're mid-twenties. The others in the group are mostly 30 or older.

How long have you been in this group? Apart from the totally inappropriate tone of your message, it does come across that you've appointed yourself as spokesperson for the group.

I'm wondering whether she hasn't replied because she's been in touch with the rest of the group getting their reactions. So now everyone's talking about the problem with strawberry and what to do about it.

Not a very nice feeling, is it, when the tables are turned?

I agree telling someone they are entitled and disrespectful is definitely going to make them feel attacked and on the defensive.

If you want to salvage this friendship I'd message her again and say you realise the wording came across as harsh, it's just you value her friendship and enjoy time alone with her and having 'girly' days with the others and would like to meet up on that basis sometimes. That you don't have anything against her bf and would also like to get to know him, and then maybe invite them out as a couple sometime to show you mean it

@cheeseandpineapple

Good grief, agree with above poster, massive sledgehammer to crack a nut. Send her a message or call her apologising for being so crass and tell her that what you were trying to say is that you like her boyfriend and it’s great that she’s close to him but you miss the girls’ get togethers.

Not true though is it. Op says it is mostly female so there are other men there, really what she is saying she doesn't want her friends partner there because she personally thinks (as she is speaking for herself) he doesn't fit in and she wants the group of friends to stay the same for ever (or at least only people she likes to join). If she's going to say it then at least be honest, but expect the fall out.

Groups change as people mature and some become couples.

I agree with the others, your message was awful and I wouldn't have responded either. You didn't want to be passive aggressive so chose straight forward aggression instead. I expect you've destroyed this friendship for good with the message you sent.

@Bluntness - cross-post! Great minds...

I would’ve worded the next meet up as a girls only arrangement.

Keep dropping in those words.

Would’ve got the message across much better

I understand you're frustration. However your message to her was super confrontational, and I'm not surprised she hasn't replied. If you enjoy her friendship, I would do some damage control.

I would’ve worded the next meet up as a girls only arrangement

It seems there are men in the group so that would not be popular.

Thyme, yes 😄

I’d find it annoying if one of my friends brought their SO to every event without much thought of whether it was appropriate or not. However, some of your wording suggests you have some overarching issues with your friend. I don’t think you’ve been very pleasant here, and maybe you have reason not to be, but I’d recommend addressing that.

There’s no way I would respond to that - I’d be forwarding it to all the others asking “is this how you see it?”
Unless you send a sincere apology now, I think you’ve ended that friendship and possibly the group.

YANBU to not want a partner in tow.
YABVU to be so aggressive and insulting in your message.

I'm surprised that the 'boyf' in question hasn't asked your friend, as I think many blokes would, whether or not she has asked her female friends if it's OK for him to be there? There's nothing wrong with groups of guys or gals getting together without the other gender, it's perfectly reasonable and healthy IMO, so if I knew that I was going to be the only bloke in a group I'd be quietly asking my DP, "do you want to just make it a girlie thing? Fine by me, see you later" or something.

The point being that, if neither of them have been aware enough to have that conversation then YANBU to point out that perhaps they should.

Very badly worded message and I think you made the situation worse. YANBU to be irritated with her boyfriend just rocking up to stuff but a different message or a quiet chat would have been much better

That message is your idea of having a mature conversation? And you think she’s been a bit of a dick?

I suspect you see yourself as one of those plain speaking, I call a spade a spade types but based on this thread you come across as aggressive and unkind. Some friend .

Omg op! Youre right to think he shouldn't be there al the time, but that message made you sound like a dick.
Couldnt you have gone with, next meet up is on x day and it is just for us women! Can’t wait to see you!

I originally voted YANBU but then read your message and went back to change my vote. Wow, just wow. Your friend shouldn't bring her boyfriend to meet ups, but you came out of nowhere and attacked her.

A simple message before your next meeting saying "can't wait to see you! This meet up is just for us girls but we'll arrange something partners can come to later on." Would have signalled to her not to bring him without being a personal attack. You said you didn't want to be passive aggressive, but even passive-aggresive is better than aggressive- aggressive! There are books about how to be assertive without aggression; this is something you could really do with learning.

Oh god OP. You sound like one of them 'i tell it how it is, that's just who I am' types and to hell if you hurt anyone's feelings.

The message with your points 'a),b), and c), is so bloody confrontational. Like you're setting up, ready for an argument.

I understand the sentiment, but if I were her, I'd be thing, 'oh fuck off'

Maybe subconsciously, you want her to, as you actually sound really fed up of her.

What you could have done, is to have actually spoken to her face to face, and said that you miss seeing her on her own, adding that it does sort of change the dynamic having her partner there.

Instead you’ve used really unpleasant language. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t come back to the group, tbh 🙁

You may be right in principle but your message to her reads like an excuse for you have a go at her. You didn't need to call her entitled and disrespectful to get your point across. Well I'm sure you've succeeded in alienating her so you won't have to worry about her in future.

She may have been a bit thoughtless in bringing her partner along but doing so is her being a dick? Really?

When I first started dating my now DH he was really excited to introduce me to all his friends, he would have brought me along out every single time if he could, he wasn't needy, he was just excited about our relationship. Of course I had enough sense to not tag along to everything as I understood group dynamics. Good thing none of his friends considered him to be a dick for wanting to invite me though, they were just happy that he was happy. Good friends.

Wow - wouldn't want to be your friend if that's the way you approach things. A phone call and a chat might have done it - or even just labelling excursions 'girl walk or girl's picnic'.

None of us have 2nd sight - these invisible rules that some people set and get annoyed when they are not followed are so pointless.

If it were me I would never speak to you again.

OP, you keep banging on about having a mature conversation....I said that i didnt want to become passive agressive about it, so wanted to set things straight, and that i found it entitled and a little disrespectful to constantly assume her boyfriend is invited without consulting us, just expecting that it will be ok with everyone...

NOTHING about this is mature.It is extremely poorly communicated. It is confrontational, aggressive and patronising. Try communicating like an adult and perhaps you will get a better response.

A normal way of broaching the topic would be tosay something like.."Hey XXXXX there is something that I wanted to discuss with you as it has been bugging me for a while. You know how much I love hanging out with you but lately it has been tricky because......"

Oh man, you sound pretty awful.
I was in agreement with your OP completely until I read the last sentence suggesting that you cannot continue with the friendship if she can’t have, in what is your idea of a, ‘mature conversation’ and admit to be being a dick. Although annoying, bringing her boyfriend to all meet ups doesn’t make her a dick.

Then I read your update......you called her entitled and disrespectful?! Jesus. You sound controlling and you seem to think you’re the gatekeeper to your friendship group.

I have never been spoken to, or been sent a message like that from a friend. How utterly horrible of you.

I think your message comes across as immature and entitled tbh, I'm not surprised she didn't reply. If you sent that to me I wouldn't meet up with you again. A better way to handle it would have been to say to her in person that it would be nice to spend some time together one to one/without partners so that you can have a proper catch up. Her partner is half of her life, why wouldn't she assume he's invited?