to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

Wow your message was way over the top. A simple- hey next time we're all meeting up can you not bring X. It's nice to have girls only. We can organise specific couples things also though. Thanks. Etc etc

I'd not respond to you. You were rude.

The thing is you do like your friend and want to spend quality time with her - this is what you need to explain because at the moment she thinks you think she’s an annoying wanker. She’s been having a great time being happy she has a boyfriend, thinking everyone is great and then you go and give her the impression everyone has been slagging her off.

If you sort it out now I’m sure you’ll be forgiven but you need to be very apologetic. Your message was bitchy.

Yeah I don’t think this will end well, she’s probably screen shotted the msg and sent it to the rest of the group who are now discussing how much of a bitch you are!

The best way to have approached it would have been when planning meet ups in future to drop in that it’s girls only.

Interesting that the OP isn't happy her friend hasn't responded but now seems to have done a runner herself.

I’m imagining her sulking somewhere that everyone didn’t say “oh well done you”.

I agree it's annoying that she always brings her boyfriend. But your message was far too blunt and dictatorial. I wouldn't reply either or if I did I'd be telling you that your not my mother or my boss. You got it wrong here.

Your message was really harsh.
You could have just said that it would be nice if sometimes when you meet up it could be just the girls. No need to insult her, it was just a misunderstanding that she didn't realise he wasn't wanted.

Blimey that was harsh and unnecessary. You only needed to say you’d like a women’s only night but would plan a couples night too so everyone can meet her partner. Maybe he doesn’t have many friends and she’s trying to hint to you that it would be nice for it to be a couple thing for all of you. Whatever the reasoning, you were way OTT.

YANBU to think she shouldn't just bring her DP to an all girls get together but YABU to have post the message on FB. It was a conversation that would have been better done in person or at least over the phone.

Maybe you could organise the next meeting saying "it's ages since we had a proper catch up, since a girl's night out isn't possible, anyone fancy a girl's afternoon?"
You could use that opportunity to explain that you don't always want her to bring her DP as it changes the dynamic and maybe discuss meeting up as couples occasionally.

So either he wont let her go on her own because hes controlling or she wont leave him on his own because he might have an opportunity to see his friends and shes controlling. Or maybe they just can't bear to be apart.

Well maybe your message wasnt good. I dont know. Maybe it was good to be quite plain about your issue with it. At least she knows where you stand.
None of the three scenarios above sound great.

@wafflyversatile or - it’s a mixed group so she had no clue that it wasn’t on to bring her boyfriend. We are talking about casual meet ups in the park here - no a hen do.

I think if someone messaged me and told me I was entitled and disrespectful I'd fuck them off. Who do you think you are?

see i think it's actually my friend who is quite controlling. she hates the boyfriend seeing his friends, and regularly bitches about them, and is trying to 'steer him away' from seeing his friends on his birthday and she wants the whole day just the two of them!!

Doesn't that kinda answer your questions of why she brings him then? Doesn't it occuer to you that he finds being with a group of strangers, especially with at least one who blatantly doesn't want him there a bit of an ordeal?

You lost me after calling her entitled and disrespectful op.

@WeAllHaveWings I missed the bit about “mostly girls” and assumed it was all girls plus OP describes the boyfriend as a “token male”.

But regardless of the composition of the group, the OP’s message isn’t a constructive one if her aim wasn’t to end the friendship. Agree with others that OP may end up alienating herself if the message spreads even if others preferred to be cliquey, the wording of the message is crass and makes OP sound like she’s the Queen Bee of the group. Maybe she is and others will back her in which case the friend and her boyfriend are best out of it all.

I don't know why you had to bring her personality traits into it. Why call her entitled and disrespectful?

You could have just said that bringing the boyfriend along every time changes dynamic and you miss spending time one on one. THAT is a non-confrontational message.

It sounds like you don't actually like her very much. There could be any amount of reasons she brings him along, not all of them point at her being entitled and disrespectful!

Your message was really horrible and bitchy. I think maybe you’ve been spending too much time on MN where people throw around the term “entitled” at the drop of a hat. You don’t normally do the same thing in real life though.

Good grief, what's wrong with taking the woman to one side and explaining that her bringing her boyfriend along is making the meetings awkward, and unless they're arranged as "couples events" you'd prefer to see her without him.

If I'd received a message from a friend telling me I was entitled and disrespectful I'd honestly be very upset.

I think the matter would have probably been handled better by having a conversation rather than a message.
whether public on facebook, whatsapp or a private text or email- all seem hugely inappropriate and capable of being misinterpreted.

Or not misinterpreted - maybe she just thinks you are plain rude and can't be bothered to give you the time of day to reply.

Ah you're one of those "I call a spade a spade" types who thinks they speak for everyone and thrives on 'telling it like it is' but can't handle any criticism themselves.

You were rude and mean, clearly have no respect for this woman and you're not interested in integrating her boyfriend into the group at all.

It is annoying when someone does this, but it's easy to get caught up in the honeymoon period.

You didnt tell her there was a problem, the first she was aware of anything was that message.

You need to apologise.

I think your message sounded rude and aggressive, I'm not surprised your friend hasn't replied.

Were you appointed by the group as spokesperson, or did you just give yourself the role?
I think you should apologise, you were rude.

Oh and I thought you were going to say friend brought boyfriend to a wedding uninvited, not to a picnic or walk in the park!

@Goingdownto

I'm not sure if the posters who think the message was rude, also think the bringing the man along was rude?

Absolutely. But that message was a dreadful way to handle it.

Whilst I agree with your point, I'd would have simply said it was a girls only event. If had received a message telling me I was entitled I'd be pretty pissed off too.

I call reverse