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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

319 replies

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:44

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

OP posts:
jwpetal · 19/07/2020 21:14

I'M just surprised you didn't call her. If she is a friend, have a conversation. Sending by text is not kind and not a good way to have a relationship. I would be very annoyed getting that message

Chouxalacreme · 19/07/2020 21:22

I’ve not rtft entirely

But do expect to be ostracised yourself ! I expect she would have asked another of the friendship group if your message was for real.

Also , maybe don’t invite her then . Or invite your partners .

OhCaptain · 19/07/2020 21:30

If I received an “apology” like that my only response would be to tell you to fuck off.

You want to be consulted??? I actually can’t believe the audacity of that!

InsertHilariousUserName · 19/07/2020 21:40

@strawberrymilkshakemonkey

just an update in case anyone is still following this. i sent a message saying:

wow. have just reread my message and it sounds really shitty and confrontational and basically a character assassination which wasn't the impression i wanted to give at all. i am really happy for you and _ and i just wanted to let you know it would be nice to be consulted and sometimes spend time together without __ always being there. i understand if the damage is already done but i am really sorry that I was such a c*nt in the first message. it was really not on at all and I apologise. i'm sorry for any upset I've inevitably caused.

Sounds good to me, I hope it can be sorted
carly2803 · 19/07/2020 21:45

i had a friend like this.

HAD.

she insisted her boyfriend is now our girl gang's friend. fucking weird.

told what i thought, and dropped.some people are glued to their parnters. its sad

carly2803 · 19/07/2020 21:45

i had a friend like this.

HAD.

she insisted her boyfriend is now our girl gang's friend. fucking weird.

told what i thought, and dropped.some people are glued to their parnters. its sad

carly2803 · 19/07/2020 21:45

i had a friend like this.

HAD.

she insisted her boyfriend is now our girl gang's friend. fucking weird.

told what i thought, and dropped.some people are glued to their parnters. its sad

OhCaptain · 19/07/2020 21:50

She might not have wanted to stay friends with an adult who uses the phrase “girl gang” to be fair...

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 19/07/2020 21:53

I dont understand why a phone call is always seen as better than a message. Though we have been friends for years weve only had one or two phone calls. My friend hates them and I find them uncomfortable as we both have ASD and we therefore much prefer to use messenger or text as we both find it more direct and less reliant on cues and social stuff.

OP posts:
sallyfox · 19/07/2020 23:59

You seem boring, bossy, controlling, dominating, jealous and lonely in this post. You can't live her life for her, no matter how desperate you are. It's natural for her to want to be with her boyfriend, particularly when they've not been together very long. If you were her true friend, you'd know that. You're not, so let her go immediately. If you care about other people, change yourself.

Lemonmaid · 20/07/2020 00:03

Not RTFT but he could be controlling and abusive, not letting her go anywhere on her own.

And you sound like an awful friend.

AfterSchoolWorry · 20/07/2020 00:20

we both have ASD

I hope the pile on will stop now everyone.

OP, that helps explain things. Hope things are ok with your friend.

BooWidger · 20/07/2020 03:54

Wow. Sounds like she's best off without you all.

DazzleCamouflage · 20/07/2020 04:26

But OP, if you have ASD, surely you’re aware of how easily many people who have it get the tone of written communication very wrong? As you did in both your message and ‘apology’.

Aglet · 20/07/2020 07:50

If your friend is still loved up, in my experience she will diss you instead of her man.

cheeseandpineapple · 20/07/2020 08:17

OP, good for you for apologising.

winniestone37 · 20/07/2020 08:23

Tbh the drama in having to confront her the way you have seems pretty childish and pathetic. Then you come to MN for validation and call her insecure - the irony!! People do stuff like this all the time when they meet people- eventually it’ll stop. A simple ‘ when do we get to see you alone :)’ would have sufficed rather than your shaming email. The judgements on her such as she’s insecure I get it really say more about you. She’s not really done any harm and you seem prepared to have some kind of silly battle over it. And no she doesn’t actually owe you an answer because you confronted her with your self righteous whining. Grow up.

winniestone37 · 20/07/2020 08:25

Just read the rest now

pickingdaisies · 20/07/2020 08:49

Hi OP I think that apology was fine. It's up to your friend now. And to posters still piling on, it would be respectful to at least read the OPs posts first. There's a neat new facility that allows us to do that.

eatsleepread · 20/07/2020 08:51

I wouldn't like this either.
YANBU.

WendyHoused · 20/07/2020 10:09

Good on you for apologising.

Barney60 · 20/07/2020 11:06

Your message sounded passive/aggressive to me, sorry but it did on the short example you gave. Why not just post next invite saying something along the lines of " Girlies day out, no men allowed" or "lets get us ladies together for a walk and catch up, no men," or similar along the lines of how you talk to each other.

Tooshytoshine · 20/07/2020 11:47

I like a direct friend. You know where you are with them and I hope you know her well enough that she can be direct back and this gets sorted.

I think the thing that was perhaps lacking in your apology is that you miss your friend, you want her company and why it upsets you that she brings her boyfriend. It's okay to be vulnerable. I get that you weren't telling her off but trying to tell her that you are a bit hurt...

MzHz · 20/07/2020 11:51

@GhostCurry

You called her entitled in the message? And you don’t think the message was confrontational?!
Hmm... that was exactly what I thought too
iano · 20/07/2020 12:05

Good on you for apologising op. That's hard to do. I think what you put is fine. It reads like you're sorry and want to make up. I do think that asking to spend time one on one or just the 'girls' is the better way, but I think you know that now. Hope she responds and you can move on. All the best!

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