to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

[strawberrymilkshakemonkey]

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

Why didn't you just speak to your friend? You could have called her and had a mature conversation. Instead you have sent a bloody msg that makes you and your group of friends sound bitchy by talking about her, behind her back.

I wouldn't reply to you either

If they’ve been together since the autumn(so 8/9 mths) and live together, it’s not that new a relationship.

You sound actually quite immature, why fb message it? Plus just so you’re clear, if you don’t want to be passive aggressive the alternative isn’t to be aggressive aggressive and name calling either.

You owe her an apology

I voted YANBU as I dislike when people do this, very irritating. They hang around like a bad smell. However your message to her was not nice at all. If I received that I’d be very hurt. I’d wonder why you couldn’t have called and had a gentle chat.

You say you didn’t want to be passive aggressive but by messaging her and not doing it face to face or on the phone, it is just what you were being.

Your title is laughingly misleading. Yes, it is unreasonable of your friend to always bring her new boyfriend along. But actually what you should have asked was “was I being unreasonable to send a hurtful and insulting message to my friend”. I suspect the votes would have reflected the comments then.

I said that i didnt want to become passive agressive about it, so wanted to set things straight, and that i found it entitled and a little disrespectful to constantly assume her boyfriend is invited without consulting us, just expecting that it will be ok with everyone, even though a) it changes the dynamic, b) none of us know him well, and c) he isn't in the group chat and none of us come as a pair with our SO, even though most of us are with partners and live with them, etc.

Maybe the subtle message was lost on her?

I think she is being rather entitled if she expects her boyfriend to come along on girly picnics /outings TBH. As you say, it changes the dynamics of your meet up! Maybe send another message just to say you value her friendship, and hope she wasnt offended at all but its nice to be all girls together once in a while and hope she understands .

Oh and not a ‘I’m sorry if you were upset’ type. A “I’m sorry I was a dick and sent you such a rude message, I should have handled it better”

I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.

But it wasn’t a “mature conversation”, was it?

A mature conversation would be picking up the phone and talking to her, not posting a message on Facebook.

Wow you have absolutely no tact or manners. That's not how you speak to a friend. You could have addressed it with her in so many other kinder ways. I wouldnt want to be your friend if this is how you behave.

Did anyone at any point say "hey Barbie, looking forward to seeing you at the picnic, by the way it's girls only so leave Ken at home" before the meetups that she's brought the guy to? Or have you all fumed silently and this FB message is the first time the topic's been raised? The message does sound kind of harsh.

Good grief, agree with above poster, massive sledgehammer to crack a nut. Send her a message or call her apologising for being so crass and tell her that what you were trying to say is that you like her boyfriend and it’s great that she’s close to him but you miss the girls’ get togethers.

I don’t post very often and never more than once on a thread. But something about your message has really got under my skin! I think it is that you sent it under the guise of not wanting to be “passive aggressive” (what, as an alternative to outright aggressive?). People who say this are often the ones who declare proudly that they are only “speaking the truth” or “telling it how it is”. Whilst there are circumstances when it is necessary to do these things, generally we should, in my view, try to go through life with a light touch and cause the least hurt possible. Most (not all) things can be said kindly and politely. Your message was neither of these things.

What a horrible message to send. A simple - 'hey, let keep it just the girls next time so that we can have a good gossip without the boys' would have worked

You said in your OP that the group is 'mostly' female. But then you say having a male there changes the dynamic?

Either way your message was horrible.

Ignoring the horrifically unjustified shit show of a message, which as others have said would to be honest lead me to end our friendship.

I don't understand why you keep reiterating that its a new relationship. They've been togeter since last autumn and live together there's nothing new about it.

I agree with the others, your feelings are not unreasonable but there was absolutely no need to text her and tell her she was rude and entitled.

I’d aapologise for that. You should simply have said you feel uncomfortable with him there and would like her to consult the group before inviting him.

Gosh
How obnoxious

Actually I missed the bit about mostly female, so other men come too?

Wow. I’d be so upset to receive the message you sent. It’s leaden with judgement and resentment and is extremely confrontational.

And the ‘own the fact she’s been a dick’ attitude, WTF?! She doesn’t think she’s been a dick! You’re expecting an apology without any discussion. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself if you came at me with that attitude.

Sorry but if I was her I would seriously reconsider the friendship with you. To call her entitled and disrespectful is a massive overreaction. You could have just had a quiet word and said it'd be nice to see her in her own so you could have a proper girly chat or something.

I agree she’s being restrained not responding to that message, most people would tell you to go fuck yourself, and when you’d finished tell you to go fuck your self some more.

Your message was so rude honestly Id never want a discussion after that you should apologise.

What a shame/this could have been handled without such an unpleasant and confrontational message.

This

The only thing you’re ‘telling off’ has achieved, is making yourself look like a complete dick. There are two sides to every dynamic and if you had spoken up earlier, it wouldn’t have festered and become this big deal.

If you really value her friendship then apologise for your shitty message.

I'd have kept the focus on it being the girls etc.
I dont disagree but you could have put it better, you're friends not colleagues, that's like a more direct approach a manager would use...
My friend's husband tags along and is a bit of a dick, isnt very nice to my friend. Makes me not want to see her...
I wonder though if your friend's new bloke is inviting himself along?

I think a mature conversation about these things is fine, but the way to do that is to initiate an actual conversation rather than to send a text message. In a conversation you might not have used such emotive language as entitled and disrespectful and you’d have been able to read each others’ non-verbal cues. Whereas sending a text message like that will have felt like a personal attack rather than the opener to a discussion. If I was her, I’d be so hurt and shocked by your message that I wouldn’t respond either because I’d have no idea how to. I’d probably feel that you thought so badly of me that I’d be best removing myself from any further group activities.