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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think friend should check before inviting boyfriend?

319 replies

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 18/07/2020 09:44

ok so basically. I have a relatively close friend who has recently got a boyfriend (she is in her 30s and i'm in my mid 20s, our mutual friends are mostly 30 or older). not many of our friends know her boyfriend or have really chatted with him much. she's been with him since the autumn and it is her first relationship in several years, they were very quick to move in together and become 'official' and often post very intimate details about the relationship on Facebook (she's a serial facebook poster anyway).
recently, particularly in the last few weeks since things have been lifted, me, my friend and some of our mutual friends have begun organising some walks/picnics/general hanging out. on every single occasion, she has assumed that her boyfriend is invited along, and he will come along to every event, even though none of us (mostly female) have brought along our significant others. he doesn't really have much in common with us, and obviously having a token male there absolutely changes the dynamic of the whole thing. I find it quite rude and entitled, and feel like she should at least consult us on it before assuming. i don't like it when people get into a relationship and suddenly can't do anything alone. i get that she is insecure, and that is fine, but i feel that by ignoring this behaviour, I am allowing it to continue.
i sent her a message on fb along these lines on wednesday night, i feel that the message made the point without being confrontational or rude, and she has seen the message but not replied. I feel it would be common courtesy to reply even if it's not a nice reply she wants to make, but nothing has been said. I'm confused about what to do, i really do like her company and we used to be super close but I'm now beginning to feel like, if she can't even be bothered to have a mature conversation about it, and own up to the fact she's been a bit of a dick, we can't continue the friendship.
AIBU?

OP posts:
strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 20/07/2020 12:26

friend has replied. she's been very honest back (we always are, and speak to eachother like siblings a lot of the time. the message i sent is the sort of tone she's sent to me before). she's told me I'm an insensitive cunt but doesn't wanna end the friendship over it as she has spoken to me similarly before. she sees my point. we are meeting up for a takeaway later today.

OP posts:
Babs709 · 20/07/2020 12:42

Glad it was resolved OP. I think it’s great you have a friendship where you can be open and honest. I’m assuming maybe that’s why you needed to sense check it here; if the boundaries have been blurred before it makes it tricky to know when you’ve gone too far.

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 20/07/2020 12:46

@Babs709

Glad it was resolved OP. I think it’s great you have a friendship where you can be open and honest. I’m assuming maybe that’s why you needed to sense check it here; if the boundaries have been blurred before it makes it tricky to know when you’ve gone too far.
i really struggle with working out the right 'tone' of communication. social cues aren't really a thing for me and I often miss them. it can come off as a bit dense or rude sometimes. i think i maybe should've epxlained in the first post the sort of relationship we have and the way we interact together as it may be different from some people. i'm glad it's been resolved.
OP posts:
BitOfFun · 20/07/2020 13:00

Crucially, is she going to leave LoverBoy at home next time? Grin

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 20/07/2020 13:05

@BitOfFun

Crucially, is she going to leave LoverBoy at home next time? Grin
nah he is coming too and we are gonna have a threeway. just kidding, it'll just be us.

glad I started this thread. it's given me a lot of insight into how other people (esp woman) might feel about different ways of social ineraction. i've learned quite a lot tbh and i think that altough me and my close friends talk in quite a frank and honest, possibly brutal way, it's not right for everyone. thanks - even to those who were a bit rude to me (i wouldn't post on here if i didnt have pretty thick skin). i'll work on adapting my tone to differerent people and being a bit more sensitive.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 20/07/2020 13:11

Happy days 👌, and good for you!

Aspergallus · 20/07/2020 13:57

Well done.

The worst kind of mistake is the kind we don’t learn from. Making amends makes everything better for everyone.

gamerchick · 20/07/2020 14:12

Ah I love a friendship where you can call each other a cunt. Grin glad it's sorted OP, enjoy your takeaway.

pickingdaisies · 20/07/2020 14:43

Result!Smile

WendyHoused · 20/07/2020 15:17

Brilliant! Glad it worked out so well

GhostCurry · 20/07/2020 15:28

Nice one, OP

Miranda15110 · 20/07/2020 16:59

I wouldn't have worded it like that. + contextually, I don't think entitled is the right word. If it was my friend I would call her and apologise and say you worded things rather clumsily and what you really meant was can't we have some time together like we used to.

Choccylips · 20/07/2020 18:42

I think if I was her I would feel wounded but also think you were jealous. This is a new love for her and a long time coming from the sound of things. If she is insecure you could have been supportive of the situation for a bit longer.

MimiSunshine · 20/07/2020 18:47

Yey that’s good news.

For what it’s worth I thought your apology was nice and pretty much exactly what was needed in terms of what you wrote.
I think the part that many others would have felt was a bit too direct was the use of the word ‘consulted’ it suggest the need for permission

BackforGood · 20/07/2020 19:36

as we both have ASD

MASSIVE drip feed there. Do you not think it might have been relevant to mention that in the opening post ? Especially as this was a thread where you were trying to get more information about the tone of your message ?

i really struggle with working out the right 'tone' of communication. social cues aren't really a thing for me and I often miss them. it can come off as a bit dense or rude sometimes. i think i maybe should've epxlained in the first post the sort of relationship we have and the way we interact together as it may be different from some people

Quite. It would have saved 300 people replying to you in a completely different way from the way they have, if you had explained that at the start.

I'm glad it is resolved, and I'm glad you feel you have learned something from this thread. Smile

strawberrymilkshakemonkey · 20/07/2020 19:52

Yeah maybe. But equally I find that lots of people often use ASD or other things as an 'excuse' for stuff and I didn't want peoples view to be clouded by it if that makes sense ? I wanna be able to communicate with everyone well, not just with autistic people.

OP posts:
MadameBoulaye · 20/07/2020 23:52

I would have just said “I’m planning on a girly get-together, the girls and I are doing this (blah blah) - do you fancy it too?” Then see how receptive she is to that approach before pitching in to let her know how peed off you are. Though I’d feel the same as you.

MadameBoulaye · 21/07/2020 00:01

I’ve seen the update now.

GreyGoose1980 · 26/07/2020 08:20

Well done for apologising and sorting it out.

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