To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

Would you be prepared to tell your friend your concerns?

What like though? Can you give examples?

Yes if necessary, if it was going to harm her daughter in future then yes I would.

I think it sounds fine. She gives her daughter attention and tells her she loves her.

It sounds find to me, based on what you've said. Bear in mind they may have different public and private personas.

What evidence have you seen that it's harming her?

My DS8 is also very sarcastic and uses insults as humour, btw.

It just sounds different rather than harmful though. Your friend needs to ensure her dd is aware that this is the dynamics of their relationship but that not every one has the same sense of humour and that insults are not appropriate in most situations

I'm not sure your friend will appreciate your comments.

Really hard to say without specifics. I understand why you wouldn't want to give specifics though, if you think it might be outing.

I remember being called things like "you silly banana" when I was little and "ya wee rascal". But obviously not being called something horrible.

Its difficult to say without any specific examples, on the base of your op it doesnt sound like there are any issues?

Why do you think it's harmful?

It sounds silly but say for instance her DD was to say, "mum you're a poo head" or "mum you stink". Instead of correcting her and saying that's not nice she would reply something like, "not as much as you" or "I know you are but what am I?"

It is all very much clear she is joking but it is constant. I know though if her daughter was to turn around and say I hate you my friend would not say it back and would say that's not nice.

The example you've given sounds entirely normal to me...

@wineandfajitas

It sounds silly but say for instance her DD was to say, "mum you're a poo head" or "mum you stink". Instead of correcting her and saying that's not nice she would reply something like, "not as much as you" or "I know you are but what am I?"

It is all very much clear she is joking but it is constant. I know though if her daughter was to turn around and say I hate you my friend would not say it back and would say that's not nice.

I mean this is all very interesting, but do you think this is harmful, or is it just a stylistic difference in parenting?

If you think it's harmful, why?

I have a relationship like this with all my children. My eldest is 27 and while I might have damaged him in other ways this is definitely one of the strengths of our relationship. My 12 year old dd and I have this type of relationship but we have gentler times too when they are needed. She is also under no illusion as to who the parent is. I think it really helps their confidence and have quick responses for anyone outside the house who might try to pick on them. My eldest is a very soft person but he is also v witty so has never ended up being bullied or picked on. My dd is not so soft centred. I have less of a relationship like this with my ds as he is more literal and so doesn't really get it so not fair or right for him.

Yeah...I think sometimes this is ok, but maybe a bit strange to do it ALL the time. It would be a bit irksome to be around more than damaging though I would have thought? I expect her dd has figured out not to do this at school etc though, as I'm sure other kids and the teachers would correct her.

I wondered if it was harmful because I've never witnessed it before in any other people with children.

What is actually wrong ? Does the DD act like that with you? How is her behaviour at school?

We have quite a lot of banter with DD. At school she is shy,quiet and very polite. Home is where she shines, where she can be herself, have fun, be cheeky , be a bit bitey (metaphorically of course) etc. We're her safe space where she can explore what's right and wrong, what could be seen as hurtful, how not to take things too far and so on.She learned sarcasm at home, and I'm quite proud of that. She knows the rules between at home and outside of the home.

I get what you mean op. Respecting your dm /df goes a long way for decent dc behaviour... Banter as such is appropriate in teens.. Her dd should know the definite boundaries before such humour is the base of their relationship..
My teen ds's have cheeky banter at times but are very loving and well behaved also!! Fine balance. 7 is too young ime.

Yeah that example sounds like something I’d say to my 7 year old. If she said it to me about somebody else; ‘Timmy at school is so stinky’ then I’d explain that it’s not nice to talk about other people like that

• youngest ds (11)

Harmful as if she continues using insults as humour then how else will she communicate in life? Not everyone would understand her humour and may be offended. Granted she does not speak like that with me. She is usually quite quiet with me and polite.

Do you have children OP?

No issues at school as far as I am aware.