To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

@ItsSummer I'm not worried yet. He's very well liked at school and every school report I can remember has talked about how kind he is. He is sarcastic and uses insults as humour with us - mostly appropriately, sometimes when we're not in the mood, in which case we calm things down.

Honestly, it's part of life, and learning how and when to use humour. The ones who learn successfully are absolutely find for friends.

Firstly, you're in absolutely no position to judge if you don't have children.

Secondly, please don't have children until you understand the very simple idea that people parent differently.

Thirdly, your friend does not need you as a friend, because you quite clearly aren't a very good one.

You’re really going to get a flaming here - and I kind of agree.

It’s not as if she’s telling her kid to fuck off.

*Fine.

I have a similar relationship with my two DS. They know I'm the parent but we have a laugh and joke and maybe sometimes have a couple of swear words too. They are 15 and 12. They know it's banter between them, myself and DH and have always been brilliant students, grandchildren etc. You can't compare to when you were little with your parents as times have changed so much. My nieces chat to me about waxing and periods and all sorts. I like that they can. Myself and my sister always say 'can you imagine taking to Aunty blah blah like this when we were little!?' No way could we but I think it's progress.

I think that you’ve got some very narrow and quite idealistic ideas of what parenting looks like, OP.

I have a 4 yo and am a LP.

He says silly things and its obvious if he’s being silly, and in those scenarios I play along.
It’s also obvious when he’s trying to be hurtful or unkind- and in those scenarios we talk about feelings/ gentleness/ taking care of one another etc.
And when he really pushes it with very bad behaviour, he’s asked to take his attitude into another room and come back when he can
Behave like the kind boy I know him to be.

Pretty much all of my discipline boils down to 2 rules -
We take care of other people and ourselves physically and emotionally- and we don’t do deliberate damage to “things”.

I also give lots of cuddles/kisses/ tell him I love him 1000 times a day- but I also tell him to crack on when he’s whinging about nothing, and encourage him to
Dust himself off and get back up after minor hurts.

Your friend sounds like a great mum. You sound a bit naive

I think your friend needs better friends.
Mums just don’t get a break, always judged.

I think you need to step back and look at why you feel the need to pick apart your friend's parenting. There is no need to be so judgemental, do you have much experience of being around children?

Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Meh I used to shout in the playground "DD if you kill yourself it's not my fault!".

She also sleeps in my bed every weekend , we have plenty of cuddles and she knows if something is really wrong I'll fix it and I've got her back.

The more you say about her, the more she sounds like a good mum. Who deserves better friends.

If you have your own children, you'll probably find you'll parent completely differently from what you remember from your own childhood. And you'll probably find yourself being naturally less po-faced and judgmental about other people's parenting choices as well.

Your friend and her daughter sound fine.

My parents were definitely of the 'tough love - pick yourself up and get on with it' school of parenting and they managed to raise 5 of us who are all pretty well balanced. We do all banter and a lot and have a fairly sharp sense of humour but know when to keep it back.

I don't think anything you've said sounds terrible to me. As long as the child is being taught when to be polite and appropriate and is given affection and reassurance when she needs it, affectionate teasing and being encouraged to be resilient sounds like a good thing to me.

Yeah, I am that parent. As was mine. We're all totally fine...

OP won't return here.

This sounds like me with my 3yo 🤣

Do you have kids?!

she is usually quiet with me & polite

Then she sounds like shes got great social skills. She's learned that it's ok to banter cheekily with her mum, who enjoys the humorous exchanges and in jokes, but is also modifying her behaviour appropriately with a different adult.

This to me suggests she will be fine long term as she will grasp the need to tone down the humour in other situations (workplace, with new people etc).

Yeah, when you have kids yourself, OP, you'll look back at the judgements you naively made and cringe. Trust me, I speak from experience.

FYI, the general consensus among parenting gurus is actually that it's best not to make a huge fuss if they fall over.

Omg I've said loads of this stuff to my 3 yr old, regularly say:

• walk it off, you're fine (he's a drama queen)
• if you whack your head don't blame me

@wineandfajitas

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Just not what I would do but as someone said, not my circus.

This is normal parenting. It’s called building a child’s resilience. You really do sound like the sort of person that has an idea about how parenting is without any actual clue. Just stop judging her

This sounds completely fine to me. I think you'll damage your friendship if you bring it up.

You sound very judgmental. There is absolutely nothing wrong in what you've described. I think you haven't a clue really as you have no children yourself. It's ok a lot of people are like this about how other people parent before they have their own. I'd laugh in your face if you expressed these concerns to me as a "friend".

"I think it bothers me because if my child came up and said something insulting, I would correct them and tell them they can't say that as it is not nice"

I used to have a lot of ideas about how I'd raise my child before I had him too op. Then I had him and the reality turned out to be very different - I look back at the ideas I had and laugh! No-one knows what it's like until they are a parent.

It sounds like your friend has a lovely, jokey relationship with her daughter and she's free to raise her as she sees fit. Her style of parenting doesn't have to tie in with the ideals of one friend. There are lots of ways to raise a child.

I've got a friend whose parenting I disagree with extremely strongly. They over-indulge their child to the extreme but I'd never dream of saying something as it's not my place to - not my child. I'd only ever say something if I suspected child abuse.

@mynameiscalypso

Would you feel different if your friend was male and the child was a boy?

I did wonder this too, joking or joshing is quite common I think. I do it with mine - but there was always a line because I am their mum.

@wineandfajitas

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Just not what I would do but as someone said, not my circus.

Isn't that totally normal?

Why would you intervene otherwise?