To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

I’m like that with my kids. I can tell by their tone whether they’re joking or being mean with a ‘ew, you stink comment’ if it’s a joke I joke back, if not I deal with it.
I also have the most dramatic child in the world when it comes to getting hurt so I often say to shake it off, you’re fine.

It really does sound like you’re too involved here, seeing a friend daily is the only abnormal thing you’ve posted.

Definitely don't say anything if you don't have kids, and actually I'd say if you don't have similar age kids, because we all also thought we'd do xyz with teens before we had them?

I live in a house full of bum faces and farty arses. I reckon they'll turn out fine!

All people parent differently op, it would be boring if we were all ‘perfect!’

I used to say "unless your arm, leg or head is falling off, I don't need to hear about it" but at the same time most parents can tell from their child's tone or sound of their cry if they need help. I know I can. I know when my kids are distressed and can't just be jollied out of it and I am always there for them when they're like that.

It sounds as if it's the kind of thing that could be inappropriate if done with an elderly neighbour, for example. So the DD needs to learn/be taught that it's just between her and her mum.

@MirandaGoshawk

It sounds as if it's the kind of thing that could be inappropriate if done with an elderly neighbour, for example. So the DD needs to learn/be taught that it's just between her and her mum.

The DD seems to already know this as she it’s polite to OP.

@MirandaGoshawk

It sounds as if it's the kind of thing that could be inappropriate if done with an elderly neighbour, for example. So the DD needs to learn/be taught that it's just between her and her mum.

Sounds like she is from the OP's comments

I can't work out why you posted this, unless you're glossing over the behaviour which made you concerned? The way your post started I thought you were going to give examples like the mum and daughter telling each other to 'fuck right off' or calling each other derogatory terms as 'banter'. But all the things you've talked about are 100% normal.
It's a good thing not to mollycoddle kids, what would you suggest she does differently when her daughter doesn't get on well with another kid at the park? Should the mum barrel over there and have a go at the other kids? If the daughter falls over, should the mum rush over with a first aid kit every time?
I think you need to relax, your friend sounds like a brilliant mum.

Doesn’t sound unusual or wrong to me 🤷‍♀️

Can you imagine?

"Hello my beautiful, smart, little amazing ray of sunshine! You light up my world and make my heart pitter patter with your tinkly laughter. Light of my eyes, meaning of my life. Ohhh mummy nearly fainted from all the love she has for you"

"Awww poor ickle shnuckums you have an ouchie? Naughty pavement , come here my seraphic princess mummy will love you and cuddle you and kiss it better and call the doctors because your poor little knees deserve the best care in the world!"

"Oh no darling, you mustn't say mummy is a poo head! That hurts mummy's very frail feelings and she can't cope with that kind of language. Especially after mummy spent 3 hours on her makeup and 2 hours at the hairdresser. You must only refer to mummy as fabulous, or mummy might cry her broken little heart out!"

OH! Is this a reverse???

OP are you the mum with the daughter and your friend has had a go at you for your 'bad' parenting?

Sounds like they have a lovely relationship and from what you say the Dd seems to know it's only between her and her mom, as you said she doesn't use that humour with you.

Kids love toilet talk!!
And it's great to use humour to keep kids connected and they are more likely to want to cooperate with you then.

In fact it sounds like they have a wonderful relationship.
I could do with upping the humour in my relationship with my 7 year old dd it always helps to improve our rapport
Don't worry

Sounds like me and my girls, they're 19 and 13 and don't seem damaged in the least.

They are quick witted and hilarious on occasion, the eldest can be a bit sharp sometimes but as I'm a complete wuss I'm pleased she won't get walked all over like I do!!

Perhaps it's your offspring that need a little extra stimulation??!!

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

This is entirely age appropriate. At age 7 they need to learn a bit of resilience to hold their own among their peers. It sounds like she is a loving mum who would provide comfort if really needed but is gently nudging her daughter towards more independence.

harper30, I can understand why op posted this. Falling over episode is pretty typical. I didn't know until I had a child, that molly coddling will damage the child.

Your friend sounds like a fab mum. I respect that she's raising a playful, funny and resilient kid. The people you know who aren't encouraging resilience could be the ones damaging their kids. Not at all kids are ready for the same amount of resilience at the same age but it's good that her mum is giving advice like don't play with kids who are annoying. If the girl goes to school then she will be spending lots of time in the playground where adults rarely intervene so knowing how to deal with common problems will do her good.

It is good that the girl knows that she can be sarcastic with mum but not with you. Mum has instilled boundaries well. Sarcasm is a popular form of comedy in kids tv and film and I'd say that it was a national trait

When you've got your own kids op, and you're doing the best you can in your own way, I hope no one judges you like this, especially not someone who you regard as a very good friend. It sounds like your friend is doing a fantastic job.

@harper30 I think you're right.

It's sounds positive. I'd much rather my DD grow up sarcastic and able to take an insult than the fragile, offended victims that are being raised by most people nowadays.

Have read the whole thread.

stuff I find entirely normal - every single behaviour displayed by the mum towards her DD. Fun, kind, caring, lovely.

stuff I am finding weird/perplexing: the OP’s problems with any of this, her investment into this relationship’s “harm” potential, and her degree of caring about this which is high enough to create this thread.

"Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" "

When I taught early years I used to say this constantly and I often received feedback that overall I was a gentle & caring teacher.

Trust me op if u fuss over every single tiny little injury, the whining literally never ends! More often than not they do just need to be told to forget about it!

My fiancé's mum is the most wonderful and loving mum I know and even she jokes that one of my fiancé's brothers was 'a pain in the arse' when he was younger. He is now a successful adult who is happily married and a doting dad. The banter hasn't damaged or harmed him

Ha ha ! Is this for real? Be careful, OP, or you will grieve for your perfect imaginary children if you go on to have real ones! You know, the ones who reflect their shining glory onto you so everyone thinks, "What a fabulous mum. How does she do it?"

BDC I daydreamed that parenting (for me, at least) would be a cross between The Sound of Music and a Boden catalogue... It's a cruel realisation that it's more like a hostage situation (and you've developed Stockholm syndrome).

Given the poster has no posting history and/or has name changed I am inclined to think this is a reverse

What you are describing does not seem wrong to me at all. If anything, they sound like they have a lovely bond and your friend is raising her daughter to be a resilient person.