To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Just not what I would do but as someone said, not my circus.

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Just not what I would do but as someone said, not my circus.

YABU. Not everyone understands my humour but I don't consider myself damaged!

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

My DS8 is also very sarcastic and uses insults as humour, btw.

This is not necessarily a positive trait and you may find she ends up alienating people eventually when they get fed up with it.

@wineandfajitas

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Just not what I would do but as someone said, not my circus.

My mother was the same. I always felt very loved (still do), and I'm in no way damaged.

It sounds to me as though they have a perfectly normal loving relationship. Everyone parents the way they seem fit. As there are just the two of them and that is what works for them, and from what you say the girl sounds perfectly able to differentiate between banter with her Mum and how to act with others I think you need to let them get on with it.

Ah jeez. Im starting to think the harm was done to YOU OP. This is called humour. Its is taught. You parents teach you what is funny and how to judge the boundaries between funny, rude and hurting others feelings.

Are you funny OP? Do you make people laugh much?

Pls dont say this. Your friend seems like shes doing a great job. This might make her self conscious and really its transference. Its you who might need to reflect on your own upbringing....

DDs an only as well as being from a single parent family. When she was younger, thinking back on it, we used to get a bit silly, teasing,and rough and tumble "I know you are but what am I?" as I like to give her the "Full sibling Experience" but she always knew when to stop.

I tell my 5 year old to shake herself all of the time. I don't think it does kids any good to fuss over minor bumps and falls, they end up really moany and whiny

I wouldn't worry about it. If/when she gets school friends they'll put her right, and if she goes on with it, and has friends any how, no problem. It is maybe an acceptable way for their relationship to develop.
If she is disciplined when she's really out of place, she must have limits.
Maybe it's better if DD can be friends with her mum, especially when she gets older. Confidence is very important, for example if she can discuss her private problems with Mum, it's surely better.
On the other hand, if she has no control, things could get out of hand.
You may also, o,ly see one aspect of their relationship which they chose to show you...
I'd not say anything for now, and accept that everyone's different.

I can see that you care about both your friend and her dd. But I don't think it's damaging, if she doesn't do the same to you or others.
My ds says something which could have seen quite sarcastic or mean to my dh. But they both know he is joking and he wouldn't do it to others, Including me. It's just the way they are. They have lovely relationship that sometimes makes me jealous.

“ LoisLittsLover

I tell my 5 year old to shake herself all of the time. I don't think it does kids any good to fuss over minor bumps and falls, they end up really moany and whiny”

Exactly this ^

From your latest post OP it is obvious the Mum is teaching her daughter resilience, and that is a very valuable lesson for her. Children do need to learn to deal with life's knocks instead of having Mum/Dad sort everything out for them. She sounds like a great Mum to me!

It all sounds pretty normal to me. Coddling children when they fall over can just encourage whiny behaviour, it really depends if they actually hurt themselves or not. If she is genuinely hurt and her mum tells her to shake it off, that’s pretty bad, but if she is fine I think it’s positive to encourage them to get on with it. The rest of it seems pretty standard!

Erm all pretty normal tbh. I think this is a classic case of the non parent imaging they'd be better at being a parent .until you actually become one and know what it's like
I was exactly like you until I had my own. I cannot believe the mood swings my 7yo has. I thought I had at least until 13.
And my disciplined lovely in front of strangers and teachers dd is an absolute nightmare when relaxes and in front of family.
I pick my battles. If dd has done something awful I will get all discipline and go for it with the mean voice.
If she calls me a poo head it's going to be so are you. I don't see long lasting damage if you don't say anything but I do see you doing long lasting damage to your relationship with her and the mum if you do.

You're over invested.

Do you know that kids are being abused and neglected? This is neither

Christ all bloody mighty.

I'm the same. Unless the injury causes massive blood loss or loss of a limb then get on with it.

I greet my kids with 'hey stinkyarse' more often than not. We have a serious banter filled house, but my kids are also known as the golden kids in school.

It does no harm. The world needs more kids brought up with a bit of resilience!

@wineandfajitas

I guess I just feel that she treats her DD older than she is. She's quite tough love, yes she cuddles, kisses, says I love you etc but for example, if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

Just not what I would do but as someone said, not my circus.

I suspect the people you know who interfere in children's interactions/friendships, or mollycoddle them and make a massive fuss, are damaging their DC far more.

My experience of myself and other single parents is that the dynamic is more about teamwork, although the parent should always be able to take the lead when necessary, it's more like the two of you (or more) against the world and is a much closer relationship.
This, I'm a a solo parent to a 14 year old. I think the dynamic can also be different if there are only 20 years between you, rather than 35 or more.

That "tough love" is teaching her resilience and coping strategies and is exactly what she should be doing. When she goes to school she's not going to be mithered over by the teachers in the playground everytime she gets a bump or everytime she falls out with someone. By all means get involved if bullying is involved, otherwise move on and play with some one else for the time being.

if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself

What’s wrong with this? I always encourage my expert son to sort dispute out with his peers himself - it’s an important life skill isn’t it? Conflict management?

Your last examples are what most parents do

How is the mum meant to intervene with the child in the park? What’s wrong with telling a kid to shake it off? I know when I can say that to DD and when she needs more (big bump or too tired etc).

You sound very judgy and quite delicate.

if we're at the park and her DD is moaning about another child then rather than intervene her mum will just say "play with someone else" or "sort it out yourself". Or if her DD falls and is crying, my friend just says, "shake it off, you're fine" rather than give her a cuddle unless she has really hurt herself or banged her head etc.

All sounds eminently sensible I’m exactly the same. (Why on earth would you ‘intervene’ in the playground unless your child is actually hurt or hurting someone)?

Expert shouldn’t be in that post btw. No clue why it is!