To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

I have this sort of relationship with my boy. He knows there's a time and a place for it and he knows who he can and he can't 'banter' with. We have a good time and people are always saying what a lovely, polite boy he is.
I was never able to speak like that with my mum though.

Having read your newer posts stop judging her. Just cos it’s not something you would do with your hypothetical children doesn’t make it wrong. You’ve already said her child is polite and respectful to others.

With respect OP, you have insulted your friend as a parent.

Have another read of the title of your post, it's not a compliment.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

DD: something smells bad. Me: have you washed this week?

This is me with my DS. We also do the I love you more than... game. Which generally starts with poo or trumps. Loads of fun

You sound a bit humourless tbh.
Not because you wouldn't have this banter with your own child, but because you judge your friend for doing so.

I would never accept my sons speaking to me like that or to anyone else for that matter (and they don't), calling me a poo head, that's just rude, it appears normal to many people, certainly not to me.

And if she crosses a line, all I have to do is say Enough or Too Far DD and she'll apologise and say she didn't know. Then I tell her I know she didn't, explain why it's not ok and lesson learned.

She also tells me sometimes I went too far or she didn't like something, so I also apologise I tell her I didn't realise it would upset her and promise not to say/do it again.

She gets to explore various rules and boundaries of communication and behaviour safely and also set her own.

It sounds as if she has a brilliant relationship with her daughter. A genuinely good sense of humour is a tremendous asset for anyone.

YABU, i have this type of relationship with my Dc but they had boundaries, now adults the relationship is the same. We have a lot of fun and holidays and good times. Most of DC parents a similar age to me are the same.

My kids are completely different outside the home.

I bet they do this far less when you’re not around. They’re just showing off a bit.

I research the developmental role of playful interactions in educational settings. From what you describe OP my professional opinion is this all sounds completely fine and very healthy

I began to develop a more bantering relationship with my daughter around that age, albeit more in terms of silly in-jokes rather than taking the piss. It sounds a bit unusual but not harmful and it's nice the daughter feels emotionally safe with her mum. TBH it sounds like a basis for a healthy ongoing relationship and not taking herself too seriously.

Do you worry that child won't understand that it's not an appropriate attitude to have to others who may not know/trust you as well?

@MagnoliaJustice I'm not sure I would call it a genuinely good sense of humour....as they say...sarcasm is the lowest....

I find the dynamics of being a si gle parent are very different to being in a partnership with children. My partnered / married friends and their children is more of a them and us dynamic.
My experience of myself and other single parents is that the dynamic is more about teamwork, although the parent should always be able to take the lead when necessary, it's more like the two of you (or more) against the world and is a much closer relationship. Now, DD and I wouldn't joke about like your friend does as that is not in our personalities but Dd is certainly more independent and 'older' than her friends of the same age because of our dynamic. Too much banter may make things tricky as she moves into the teen years, or, it might make things easier. But it's your friends choice.

Damaging would be if your friend was telling her daughter she was useless, rubbish, won't amount to anything. Damaging would be if the DD had to put her to bed after too many drinks. Damaging would be exposing her to multiple males partners rotating in and out of her life.

as they say...sarcasm is the lowest...

Only people that don't get sarcasm say that.

That’s not sarcasm.

I think it’s good got children to know different ways to behave with different people because different people can receive it in different ways. It’s a good social tool.

She does it with her mum. She doesn’t do it with you.

It also sounds like she doesn’t have any siblings to play with these boundaries with either.

Sounds like your friend is a great mum.

Some people on this thread do find it offensive - but their children wouldn't do it - as they will have learnt it is inappropriate.
Almost all children quickly learn what is appropriate where - and though they may trade insults with a parent - would never do this with others. And would be corrected by their parent if they did.

It is fascinating how differently and how young children can learn to alter the way they communicate depending on the people and situation. And this is "even" true of children with learning difficulties or neurological differences.

I am like this with my kids. They are polite to others when I’m there and invited to a lot of places, seem popular enough with long-term friendships outside of the family home, which must mean they are polite and kind enough.

My family were nothing like this growing up either. Which is exactly why I am like this now. I am very proud of my DC as individuals, and as members of this family.

I sense OP is more into knock knock jokes

Lots of people have this kind of relationship with their children. Dh and I do (banter, not playfighting), and dh and his parents did. My children are bright, well-behaved kids. They know when it's ok to engage in that kind of banter and when it isn't. We laugh a lot! And I think we enjoy each other's company a lot more than many families I meet. I find some parenting styles rather babying and po-faced tbh.

as they say...sarcasm is the lowest..

My DF used to say it's the lowest form of wit and the highest form of humour.

I think it can be very positive to learn not to take oneself too seriously.

It’s different strokes for different folks. If every one was the same we would all robots and clones.

Your friends dd clearly knows her boundaries. She will know her boundaries in school.

The relationship I have with my dds is totally different to the ones they have with their dad. I read and do arts and craft with them teach them manners, have a gentle relationship. The one they have with their dad is where they call each other dog breath and when he come home from work/school terrorise him and wrestle as In standing on his face and shit ( which is really annoying)

It might annoy you how her dd behaves but it’s actually none of your business and I wouldn’t bring it up!

Try to be honest with yourself and figure out why this bothers you OP, because it seems to be more about you than them. Maybe take a step back from them if it bothers you that much. It’s good you’ve shared it on here rather than with your friend as it has the potential to damage your relationship with her.

@wineandfajitas

I wondered if it was harmful because I've never witnessed it before in any other people with children.

Do you always have wonder this about new things?