To think my friend is damaging her DD?

[wineandfajitas]

My friend has a 7 year old DD, she is a single mum and we are very close, we see each other every day so I spend a lot of time with her and her DD.

They seem to have a really, for lack of a better word, banterish relationship. They are always bantering with each other and it's just nothing I've ever seen before.

My friend does discipline her DD if necessary and she seems to respect her. She is a good mum in all other ways but it's just this constant banter. I find it strange.

Her DD is only 7 and already very sarcastic and uses insults as humour. They seem to just take the piss out of each other and play fight for fun. She does kiss and hug her daughter and tell her she loves her but 70 percent of their relationship is just constant banter as if they're friends.

AIBU to think this may affect her DD in later life and that it isn't normal?

Why do you think their relationship is harmful?

You've already said there is respect, discipline and good parenting, is it not just a different way of interacting?

So she's a quiet, polite girl with no issues at school; why do you think there is a problem here?

Granted she does not speak like that with me. She is usually quite quiet with me and polite.

There you go. She has a kid that learned at an early age that you change the way you communicate depending on the audience. If anything, that can be quite useful in life rather than harmful.

@wineandfajitas

Harmful as if she continues using insults as humour then how else will she communicate in life? Not everyone would understand her humour and may be offended. Granted she does not speak like that with me. She is usually quite quiet with me and polite.

I somehow think she'll be ok.

I think it sounds like they have a lovely relationship! I’m trying to see you perspective on it but it sounds like she has a good balance of discipline and fun banter.

No I don't have children yet but most of my friends do as well as my sister. I didn't say I think it's harmful, I wondered if it was as I feel 70 percent of their laughs are based on insulting each other and play fighting.

Sounds like they have a fun relationship with boundaries in place. My family are like this.

You need a sense of humour.

Would you feel different if your friend was male and the child was a boy?

Sounds normal to me OP, sorry.

She is usually quite quiet with me and polite.

There is your answer then.

I'm in no way insulting my friend as a parent. She is a great parent and her DD has her moments like all children but mostly respects her. I've seen my friend just count to three and her DD stops whatever behaviour she shouldn't be doing so it's not about a lack of respect. I just never knew parents interacted with their kids like that. Growing up it was NEVER like that with my mum or dad.

@wineandfajitas

Harmful as if she continues using insults as humour then how else will she communicate in life? Not everyone would understand her humour and may be offended. Granted she does not speak like that with me. She is usually quite quiet with me and polite.

Youve answered your own post then. If she's not like that with you, she knows how to talk to other adults appropriately. You said her mum would point out if she was being mean about someone else, and that she does discipline her, and that she is normally a well behaved child who respects what her mum says.

So what exactly is the problem? It sounds like they share the same sense of humour and totally 'get' each other - sounds lovely!

I'm exactly like this with my kids, my oldest is 18, has a really good job, and is really respectful of his bosses, as he was with his teachers too.

Just a different style of parenting, not harmful, actually ive found it pretty helpful, my kids are full of comebacks if anyone decides they are going to be an asshole to them

Harmful as if she continues using insults as humour then how else will she communicate in life?

OK... She will be interacting with other people, including you, and learning through those interactions that everyone is different and has different ways of communicating.

I don't think it's great tbh but then I don't have a sense of humour.
I wouldn't bring my children up this way but then I'm not a joker.

I think it bothers me because if my child came up and said something insulting, I would correct them and tell them they can't say that as it is not nice. If it's fine to call your mum these names then why isn't it fine to call your friends these names also?

@wineandfajitas

No I don't have children yet but most of my friends do as well as my sister. I didn't say I think it's harmful, I wondered if it was as I feel 70 percent of their laughs are based on insulting each other and play fighting.

You did think it was harmful - it's in the title of this post

Really? You think this is damaging to her. Clearly her mum loves her, is affectionate and has a good relationship with her.

Me and my 7 year old play around like this. I don’t see it as damaging at all - we both giggle loads and try and be as ridiculous as possible. He knows that it’s not something he can do with others and is very polite and respectful to others especially at school.

He also knows when to be listen to me and he (generally) does. In fact he’s probably learning quite a bit about adapting to different people and different situations.

Not your daughter? Not your business.

Having read your updates... It's fine OP, don't worry, and for God's sake don't say anything or you will just seem humourless and meddlesome (and really quite silly, given you aren't a parent yourself).

@wineandfajitas

I think it bothers me because if my child came up and said something insulting, I would correct them and tell them they can't say that as it is not nice. If it's fine to call your mum these names then why isn't it fine to call your friends these names also?

Presumably she doesn't. She manages to talk appropriately to you. What makes you think she can't talk appropriately to other adults or her friends?

Gentle teasing of each other, which is what is going on here, is a million miles away from hurling abuse at each other.

Um me and dc are like this a bit
Am also a single parent - without wanting to stereotype all single mums here I do think sometimes the relationship can be a little different sometimes without the dynamics of another adult around . I have at times had to rein myself in a bit being fun mum and remember that I am the parent and need to be stricter where needed . However both polite and well mannered ( people often comment on this ) fine in all social situations and doing great at school so I Suppose I’m doing something right

Different parenting styles, OP. Nothing wrong with it.

If it's fine to call your mum these names then why isn't it fine to call your friends these names also?

Because behaviour is situational. My two year old knows she can get away with stuff with me that she can't with her dad, so she doesn't try it with him. Kids are quite capable of recognising that different situations and interactions have different requirements of behaviour.

Not your circus, not your monkeys!

DD: something smells bad.
Me: have you washed this week?