Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

TBH, past 40 I wasn't very keen on the waking up during the night and exhaustion that a baby brings.

I did put it off until I had finished my PhD and had a stable enough job, which was early 30s.
Now I'm approaching 50, DS is happiest staying at home, and I'm certainly enjoying life without young children while enjoying his company as well (when not in full teenage mode).

I suppose I did. I fell pregnant aged 35, and was totally in love with the father. However, I was under no illusions that he was a shit nevertheless, and I decided to terminate rather than be saddled to him for my whole life. I did this in the knowledge that it was quite likely my only chance for a baby. I'm still comfortable that this was the right decision. He was a twat.

I then gave birth to DD 6 weeks before my 40th birthday, and when I discovered I was pregnant with her aged 39 I finally felt I was grown up enough to have a child! I had a brilliant, commitment-free time in my 20s and 30s and it was absolutely the right time for me to have a child. I never had any desire to have another though!

The problem with putting it off is once you ‘decide’ you want to have kids your body is often not able to provide you with the automatic gratification we expect nowadays so TTC becomes all encompassing and potentially negative.

Personally if I were early thirties with a husband in a great marriage (ie no expectation of the relationship breaking down) I’d have IVF and get some eggs frozen and some embryos frozen. Then you can put TTC off as long as you fancy.

You know you don't have to have kids.

Leaving it that late if you want them and have a choice is madness.

Personally if I were early thirties with a husband in a great marriage (ie no expectation of the relationship breaking down) I’d have IVF and get some eggs frozen and some embryos frozen. Then you can put TTC off as long as you fancy.

I think you underestimating how hard IVF is and how often it fails. Not to mentioned the shed load of cash you'd need.

Yes. Couldn't bear the thought of babies from an early age (recall telling my uncle when I was little that I was never ever having any - probably after he and his wife bought me yet another doll when I wanted meccano) and I was always more oriented around my studies/career. When I met my now-DH we were both not wanting children and were together almost a decade before things changed.

Somewhen mid-late 30s a switch tripped in my head, and we had a frank discussion about it. Planned to try once we'd got married, thinking that it was to be, it'd happen, and if not, we'd carry on as just us. By then we were financially stable, had almost paid off the house and so we figured we could cope with nursery costs, school etc.

DS arrived a few weeks after my 40th birthday.

One of my former work colleagues is the same age as me. She became a granny about the same time I became a mum. We had a lot of laughs about our various life choices! She has had to do everything a lot later, but she's getting there... I say this a lot, but if you're given the choice, you have to do what works for your family. Not that everyone gets the choice...

Well we put it off but not that late. I was desperate for a baby at 21-25, but waited to finish PhD, buy a house, get married, get a full-time job.... Now I'm pregnant at 29 (will be 30 at birth) and it feels like the right time both for my biological/maternal urges and my sensible planning side!

Yes I did. I then had a test which showed my ovarian reserve as less than expected at 37. I was lucky I managed to get pregnant and have a family.

I mean, I put it off in the sense that I could have done it sooner (was married, owned house and had secure pretty well paid job at 26) but I just plain didn't want to do it yet at that age. Gave birth to my first at 31 and the extra time enabled me to build a sounder career base and have a lot of fun with DH, including 6 months travelling together. I would not have put it off past 35 though, as I've seen both my older sisters struggle with conceiving and miscarriages and IVF while trying to have their first child in their late 30s.

If you would rather have the fun now and are content with the risk of having a very hard or impossible time of it at 40, then crack on, as long as you're doing it with your eyes open.

Not me (I'm just older due to infertility) but one of my cousins really didn't want babies all through her 20s and 30s. At 40 something clicked that if she wasn't going to have a baby now, she wouldn't ever have older kids/teens/someone to be brought up by her values. All of a sudden she did want that, so went on to have kids. I think she really just wasn't a baby person and struggled seeing past that baby phase till her friends children grew up a bit. It doesn't help that society always talks about how cute babies are, but never discuss how fun having teens or adult children can be. There is a whole life to be lived after the baby phase, and every age is special in its own way.

Not 40 but I was 35 when pg and 36 when I had DTs. I had no interest prior to that. To be honest I dont really like babies much. I adore my kids but I'm not really interested in other people's until they are old enough and civilised enough to hang out with.

Commenting as I’m in a similar position, OP. I turn 30 next year, and DH is a few years older than me.

We’re sorted. Bought a lovely house last year, plenty of room for a child, decent jobs, savings etc. But we just don’t feel ready. A few of our friends have had babies recently and it has made us think about it more seriously, but 1) we don’t know if we actually want children and 2) we definitely don’t want them within the next 2-3 years at least as there are still things that we want to do (if we’re able to)! That would push me towards my mid-30s and DH would be close to 40 by that point.

I don’t know what the answer is. Will be interested to read all the replies.

Not me, but my parents waited until they were 39 and 41 before having me. They had been married for 20 years, had a mortgage and decent jobs. They traveled and enjoyed their lives before having me and were married for another 22 years before my Mum passed away. They both wanted a child but also wanted to experience life before I came along. For me though, losing my Mum so young was hard and made me want to have my children younger so that I can hopefully have more time with them. I'm now 28 happily married with a mortgage, been with my husband 10 years and we are expecting our first in September. Despite being a young child with parents in their 40s/50s I don't remember not keeping up with me, only thing I missed out on was time.

And even people who don’t put it off sometimes have difficulties conceiving. I started ttc at 29 and never succeeded. Which is why it’s such a huge gamble leaving it til 40 if you have the choice not to.

Everyone is so different that it's impossible to offer advice.
I didn't meet my husband until I was 36, about to turn 37. We married at 40. I had our first child at 41 and will be induced on Monday with our second, having turned 43 a few days ago.

Luckily for us, we concieved easily both times and both our children appear to be in excellent health. I know we've been lucky.

The positives are: I had children with a man who I knew would be an excellent father. Whatever might happen with our relationship in the future (who knows, eh?), I am certain he will always be there for the children. We are financially stable, allowing me to be a sahm for as long as I like. We have a suitable house. We've travelled, studied and worked. We probably have more patience. No fomo.

Negatives: one set of grandparents live abroad. My parents live quite close but are mid-late 70s and don't want to be involved. No babysitting.
Potential of being seen as an "old parent" when the kids are in school.
Young kids require a lot of physical effort, however I think I am much better at getting up early than I was in my 20s!

On balance in your situation,bi would go for it sooner rather than later. You seem to have a good set up. Also, you get your freedom back little by little. It's either sacrifice it now or later.

Why does it need to be 7/8/9 years OP?
If you do want children surely the sensible compromise is to wait 3/4/5 years and try between 35-36 when your chances of success are exponentially higher than at 40.

I think it is a fine (and in some ways quite sensible) thing to do so long as you are comfortable with the possibility of not having them due to fertility issues.

@ChelseeDagger wise words.

At 40 the statistics are a bit bleak (conception, your body coping with pregnancy, having a child with health problems, labour complications and more). That isn't me being dramatic, those are the words of my GP who I consulted before ttc.

How would you feel if you left it to 38 or 39 and then found out you could never conceive? It's a possibility.

Yes, DH and I were married for about 10 years before we even thought about children, had a great time seeing bands, having weekend breaks etc. Then at about 35 we thought maybe if we wanted kids we'd have to start trying but our view was if it happened it happened if it didn't that was life. It took me just over a year to get pregnant and we're happy just to have one child.

If you definitely want children (and especially more than one) to the point you'd have IVF I wouldn't be so laid back about it personally.

I suppose I've done opposite to what you're asking but thought I'd being a different perspective.

I always thought I'd be at least mid 30s before I'd have kids, if ever. I was never a baby person and was more interested in a career.

Met my partner at 23 and not long after I was 25 I was hit with broodiness! It was definitely hormones telling me to have babies and we started trying about 2 years later and I had my DD at 27. Very luckily got pregnant on my first cycle.

Life is very hectic with a toddler but I'm very happy I made the choice I have. My career has not yet kicked off and I'm doing a career change so dont feel like having a child is affecting my job too much at the moment. By the time my DD is in secondary school she'll be a lot more independent, I can focus more on my career and my partner and I will have time to enjoy yourself just the two of us again. By the time my DD is 18 I'll be 45 so got loads of time to focus on me again. Saying that I love being with my DD and cant wait to watch her grow up and experience every stage with her.

Judging by your username we're the same age, and my partner and I had the exact same considerations. It's hard isn't it! We've decided to try within the next year or so because we felt a little 'what are we waiting for'. The things I'll be giving up have really played on my mind, but a friend reframed it for me, saying that I hadn't considered what we'd be gaining rather than what we'd be losing.

There's obviously no guarantee of anything, but I'm hoping we'll be able to have more years of fun if/when the baby years are over! It is hard though, I've never been massively into babies but we've both always had the abstract idea of a family in our future, and at some point you have to crack on I suppose!

V big risk fertility wise.

DH and I met as PhD students back in the 90s. I didn't want kids and was very clear about that, was just interested in a career. We were students forever then on short term contracts into our 30s moving about the country. Once we finally got a permanent jobs and we bought a house we still were happy with our child free life and having good money. I suppose we didn't put children off so much as just didn't plan to have them. We eventually had DC at age 37, 39 and 41. No fertility issues, got pregnant first month of trying with each child. TBH even if we had wanted DC from the beginning I doubt we'd have had kids much earlier, I needed a few years service to get my employer's full maternity package so would have had DC at the very earliest at 34.

I think delaying parenthood is a perfectly reasonable option. Infertility doesn't drop off a cliff at 35 despite what newspapers say and historic data makes it very clear that many women can continue having children into their 40s. We had enough money to pay for childcare, get a cleaner etc by the time we had DC. We don't live near family and needed strong foundation (financial and emotional) to cope with kids, that is much easier in your late 30s than your 20s. I was not ready to have kids any sooner than I did and if I hadn't got pregnant I already had a great life, my career wouldn't have gone for a detour down the Mummy track and I'd be a lot richer! Life expectancy in the UK is now mid-80s so the probability of us seeing the DC into middle age is pretty high.

I did it the opposite way round.

Was the child of older parents who were always too tired or too old do fun things and wanted to be able to do these things with my children.

Am now 45 and my youngest is 18. I have my life back to do things I find fun now but was young enough to do rollercoasters, scuba diving, go karting etc as well when they were young teens and found those fun.

Well, yes. I put it off in my 30s. And 40s.

Do I regret it? No, not at all. It was always a life plan that it would be just me. I'm not good with caring and nurturing matters I take care of myself pretty well though ....