Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

My mate is planning on getting pregnant at 40 (we are 39 now). The reason is her other half is much younger and she doesn't want to tie him down too young. Personally I think that's a silly reason and she should just get on with it, but it's up to her.

As someone who decided in late 20s to remain child free, it does cross my mind if you actually want children as a female - you know you don’t have have them right ?

to intentionally put it off into your 40s increases the risk - there is no certainty IVF will work. People can be quite flippant about the risks of having babies in your 40s - but the reason you have all this energy now is that is energy you will have less of later on, So in my mind it does not make sense to wait so long.

Been with dh since we were 22. Kids born at 37 and 40. In our 20s we worked and traveled a lot. Early 30s I wasn't sure I wanted. No fertility issues, both conceived with very little effort.

I didn't meet DH until I was 31 - had issues conceiving (we were the anecdotal couple that gets referred to fertility treatment and gets pregnant naturally beforehand). I had DS when I was 35 and we're having issues conceiving number 2. I'm 40 now and if I don't get pregnant in the next few months we will stop trying and DH will get the snip.

OP - if you want children then go for it if you are in the position to do so. Equally, don't have children because you feel you should.
Plenty of people are happily child free

I did it the opposite way. Had kids very young so I’ll have my life back by late 30s.
I couldn’t imagine having to wake up to a newborn now and I’m not even 30 yet, need to remember you could have all kinds of issues having children so late in life and more risks of a child with disabilities not to mention you might not be able to have a baby so easily.
It’s down to you personally but I couldn’t wait that long and then struggle with teens in my 50s.

Increased risk of congenital abnormality, autism and other additional needs would worry me more than the fertility aspect.

It took me ages to find my DP, but separately from that, I knew I would rather take the risk of having them later (and potentially not having them at all) than have them early. Had first at 37, now trying for second. Regardless of whether we’re successful, I am immeasurably glad I didn’t try earlier. Huge chunks of my life - professional and personal - fell into place in my mid thirties and it would simply not have happened if I had had children earlier.

No, not deliberately. It just kind of crept up on me....I was having an amazing life and just didnt notice the passing of time. In my head I was still 25 but biologically I was 35! I was just in time as I managed to have just the one. I just thought I had plenty of time and that that was all for 'the future'....thing is, the future was now and I was lucky I woke up and realised it in time.

I don’t think I’d want to take the risk, fertility wise, tbh. I would probably put it off a year or two before starting to try but no more. It definitely doesn’t always happen straight away, even in your twenties!

Mind you, I’m not sure I’d have waited to 40. There’s a brilliant article in the Atlantic about fertility in your late thirties, but 40 is def edging towards riskier.

If the thought of having children is so off putting then don’t have them. They’re much more difficult and time consuming than most people imagine. That said, I had children very young and am very smugly looking forward to being child aged child free in my thirties so there’s the issue of future child free years to consider if you’re dead set on having them.

Well, it seems too obvious to say this but you know from a biological point of view thee are more risks as you get older. It took me much longer to get pregnant at 38 than it did at 35 and I had a miscarriage whilst trying. My friend started trying to conceive at 40 and had 6 miscarriages (yes 6). I had mine at 35 and 38 but to be honest I wish I'd had them earlier. I didn't realise I'd start having perimenopausal symptoms at 42 and how from then on I'd be sooo exhausted! I know lots of women do it but I think it's pretty tough looking after babies, toddlers, small kids in your 40s and having to deal with with teenagers in your late 50s.The thing is when you're younger you don't realise A) how exhausting having kids is and B) how exhausting it can be in your 40s and dealing with the impending menopause and hormonal fluctuations. It might seem like a great idea to leave it as late as possible but in reality I don't think it is. I'd rather have a bit of energy and youth left once my kids have left home. By the way, having children doesn't mean your life is over! You can still have fun! The baby/toddler years are tough but after that you start to claw your life back. I often go away for weekends with friends, have nights out, go on "date nights" with DH etc. We travel a lot with the children too -we've been to America, India, Africa. I have lots of fun.

I think delaying parenthood is a perfectly reasonable option. Infertility doesn't drop off a cliff at 35 despite what newspapers say and historic data makes it very clear that many women can continue having children into their 40s.

I think the OP's been clear that she'd rather have fun and is prepared to risk kids never happening if it doesn't happen when she's 40, and tbh I'm not convinced she wants them at all. I'm fully in favour of not having kids you aren't ready for and it's not like she's closing the window now - she could get to 35, change her mind and be pregnant the next month. But. A lot changes between 35 and 40, fertility-wise. A lot. And things really do start to drop off sharply after 38, especially for a first baby. For whatever reason, conceiving a first baby at 40+ is a different ballgame to conceiving a second/third/fourth+ baby. Plus the likelihood of miscarriages as part of the process is high, which can be very distressing and stressful. Yes, miscarriages can happen at any age, but they really take off at 40+. Are there women who conceive first try at 42 and never have a miscarriage, of course. Are you making a gamble, potentially a high stakes gamble, that you will go through multiple miscarriages and financially ruinous IVF and still have nothing to show for it if you voluntarily delay TTC to age 40, yes.

If you want kids best to have them now.

There is no guarantee for this life of fun when there is a real biological clock plus some other things like serious illness can enter the picture (my case - cancer - first try = miscarried, can’t try till the next 2 years and I’m already in mid 30s)

Also do you really want your kids to have ‘old parents’ to be saddled with possible age-related issues as teens? Not fair on them.
You can have fun with kids in the picture don’t think it’s either/or

I certainly wish I was more serious in my 20s about having the right partner and setting up family then, I’d certainly advice any young person to do so that way or at least consider it. Imagine having teens in your 30s and still having time and energy to do a whole bunch of things. We need to respect time and our biology a bit more.

Sorry jumping in and out of meetings today so apologies if I do not pick up all points (I’ll log on tonight):

THANK YOU to whoever flagged the Atlantic article, I knew modern day fertility advice was based on old data but I hadn’t seen it set out so clearly!

I wouldn’t consider IVF now (I didn’t even know that was a thing tbh!) as I’d feel forced / obligated to have a kid if I had an embryo in the deep freeze - I don’t think I could deal with the nagging feeling.

We could afford a baby now but with some sacrifices, nothing major just less flash holidays, less meals out etc. if we wait until we are closer to 40 I’m hoping to be a partner (fingers crossed!) and my husband should be a director so we will be able to afford a nanny and a lot of help and tbh just fuck off at 6pm every night like we see our bosses do!

So yes I know we will be older and more tired but I’m working 15 hour days at the moment and I just don’t think I have time for a baby. Plus, not going to lie I love my life right now and my weekends. I’m so happy and don’t want anything to come between us.

Having your first child later in life increases your risk of breast cancer too.

Your circumstances sound the same as my SIL/BIL.

I genuinely believe that they love the freedom their current lifestyle gives them, and while they can see kids in their future, I don't think it is a dealbreaker for them if it didn't happen.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that mindset. Some people (probably myself included) are either way with children. Can see life with them and also life without and are happy in either scenario.

If it turned out we couldn't conceive, I don't think I would have felt like something was snatched away from me. I would have just carried on living the way I am, without any desire to have kids another way (adoption/surrogacy) as it isn't a 'hole' I need to fill.

You don't need to be making the decision to wait 7, 8, 9 years now surely? You make a short term decision to wait then reassess in another year or two, rinse and repeat. Obviously there are some fertility decisions that would need to be made now, like if you want 5 you probably need to get cracking, and anything involving freezing. But otherwise, it seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for no good reason. It isn't a binary, soon or 2028 choice that needs to be made now. Your life is probably going to look quite different to now well before you're 40, particularly if your peer group are childfree as yet. Why not just park the issue for a bit and then consider it again when you're, say, 34?

The only thing I suggest is to get your ovarian reserve checked especially if you don't know your family history of menopause ages.

@ZombieLizzieBennet

You don't need to be making the decision to wait 7, 8, 9 years now surely? You make a short term decision to wait then reassess in another year or two, rinse and repeat. Obviously there are some fertility decisions that would need to be made now, like if you want 5 you probably need to get cracking, and anything involving freezing. But otherwise, it seems like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself for no good reason. It isn't a binary, soon or 2028 choice that needs to be made now. Your life is probably going to look quite different to now well before you're 40, particularly if your peer group are childfree as yet. Why not just park the issue for a bit and then consider it again when you're, say, 34?

Good advice. It seems you're pretty clear that the time is not now, and really that's all you need to know for now, isn't it? Crack on with enjoying your life and consider again in 18-24 months.

Dh was more like that, but I was anxious and then we both kept meeting people with fertility problems who deeply regretted putting it off. We knew we wanted them, so asked what on earth we were waiting for. Saying that, your situation sounds different op. I can tell you now that you need to be ready to give up absolutely everything and then whatever you can still do (of anything) feels like a damn luxury.

Would you be ok with the risk of never having more than 1? How desperate are you that it happens one day?

And will you ever want to give up having fun? There is a never a right time.

Reading your post again op, are you sure you really want a baby?

"I’m working 15 hour days at the moment and I just don’t think I have time for a baby. Plus, not going to lie I love my life right now and my weekends. I’m so happy and don’t want anything to come between us."

If you don't want children, don't have them.
They're hard work and it won't be any easier in 8 or so years, it'll probably be harder.
If you do actually want them, why wait until it's harder to conceive, there's a higher risk of miscarriage, and a higher risk of abnormalities and complications?
Some people don't meet their partner until later in life, some people have difficulties conceiving, so they have no choice but to have children later, but if you have the choice I think it's madness to wait.

I don't think you really want children though and that's perfectly valid so just enjoy your child-free life!

When we first got married we quite simply couldn't afford children and then as we started to earn more we were starting to enjoy ourselves so we were really very happy just the two of us. We were eight years married and I was 36 before we had our first. We now have three children. I wouldn't change anything at all

It sounds as though you’ve made up your mind. And if having a frozen embryo would make you feel obligated rather than hopeful, I wonder whether you really want children, deep down.

I don’t think there’s ever an ideal time to have kids. There’s always a trade-off. If you know you definitely want them, then leaving it to the last minute isn’t advised. But if you’re 30, you most likely have more time to think.

It sounds as though you’re doing really well in your career. I have a fairly low-paid, undemanding job, so my perspective is different. I’m 38 and had my first child two years ago. Given that my state retirement age is 68, I’ve probably got 30 years ahead of me to kick-start a career/earn more money. But it could already be too late for me to have a second child. Yep, there’s always a trade-off.