Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

We were late 20s but had been together 10 years before having our first. We were quite happy just the two of us for all those years. We then got engaged and bought a new house so waited until after the wedding before trying.

I'm glad we waited as we were settled in our family home and didn't have children to worry about on our wedding day. Having seen friends get married with their young children there I am glad we didn't have them to worry about but I know others would disagree. Everybody is different!

I had DC1 at age 33 and DC2 at age 37, a fairly deliberate move as I wanted to travel, do adventurous things and get promoted to a certain level at work before I took mat leave. But looking back I wish I had not waited. Being more senior at work meant additonal responsibility, not being able to switch off from work and actually finding it harder to juggle work and DCs because of the expectations that a senior person can travel to see clients, is available for early morning or late night client meetings and so on. Yes I had the financial security but it affected my mental health and career in a different way and my marriage really suffered because I felt I had "given up" so much of my former life when I had DCs. So if I was to have a second life I would have started trying at least 5 years earlier. I am very lucky to have my DCs but I genuinely think it would have been easier to have them earlier and wait to do some of the travel and other adult goals once DC we older. As it is, I am going to be 50 before I will have that freedom again.

It really is such a personal choice but for me I had my only dc when i was 25 almost 26.

Now 5 years later I have a good career and my independence back in alot of ways

In my 40s i will be completely independent of young children as my own will be a teenager and I will be able to face age 14-18 in my early 40s with hopefully enough energy and patience to put up with it

For me I knew I wanted a child and I am so glad i did it and am on the track of getting those early high intensity years out of the way

You don't have to have children ...too many people just assume it's the next stage in life without really thinking it through.

I genuinely didn't want children in my 20s and 30s, I enjoyed my lifestyle (not a high flying career ) just a job I loved and a wide range of hobbies and interests. At 42 my DH changed his mind and suggested we might 'see what happened' if we stopped using contraception ... our DS was born when I was 43.

My life is clearly different as a parent, but I had a fabulous life before having a child, as many people do.

Your fertility doesn't wait around for you to stop having "a really fun life" ......I was infertile from multiple miscarriages and ectopics by age 35. And now spent £35k on IVF.

If you want to do that then pay privately to have your eggs frozen now at least - don't expect the NHS to come and bail you out with free IVF when you've exhausted the "fun"

That is rude ivf and it is also patently ridiculous.

If I had had a child even ten years earlier (now 40) I wouldn’t have enjoyed it and the child wouldn’t have had a great life.

I’m having one now. If waiting meant I didn’t have a child or had to pay for IVF or had to adopt that is something I’d have to accept.

You can still have a fun life when you have DC, we waited until our youngest was 5 and then started taking them on long haul trips with us. I think the longer you leave having DC the bigger the shock must be when they arrive as you've had so much time so what you want beforehand.
Another thing to think about is your parents health, I've know a few friends who having been looking after toddlers and caring for their parents at the same time and have been emotionally and physically shattered.

We had the opposite train of thought and decided to have our babies in our late 20's, knowing that by our late 40's they'll be grown, and we'll hopefully have lots of time to do the things that having young kids stops you doing. Not that I'm wishing the time away, my dds are my absolute world, and have brought a sense of completeness to our lives. Plus, yes travelling/nice meals out with babies isn't particularly easy/enjoyable, but since our youngest turned 6 months, we've travelled all over Europe and further with them in tow! (Pushchairs make excellent luggage carriers!) And yes, our trips are obviously different to childless ones, but getting to explore the world through your child's eyes, and teach them about different cultures, and parts of the world is priceless. Seeing DDS eye light up at some of the sights we've seen, and the fascination they show for everything, fills me with joy, going on this journey with them. Kids are amazing, and I definitely wouldn't put it on hold for too long if you definitely want children, you meet know how easily or not you're going to conceive. Maybe striking a balance of waiting 2-3 years, and cramming enough childfree opportunities in that time would be a good compromise op? I think purposely waiting until 40, and then potentially struggling to conceive could be extremely stressful. What then, 2 years of trying before going down the ivf route? 2 years of that before (hopefully) potentially conceiving? I guess making the conscious decision to not try for a baby until 40, means you have to be clear and happy with the fact that you could end up waiting until mid 40's onwards, or not having a baby at all. It's a big gamble in my eyes.

I have two friends who decided to live and enjoy their thirties. They both thought they would be fine because they have regular periods and loads of women in their 40s have babies, right? Turns out both of their husbands have incredibly low sperm counts and they can only conceive via IVF with ICSI, which they are both too old to qualify for on the NHS in our area.

I didn't put it off on purpose but didn't meet DH until I was 29. Had DC1 at 32 and DC2 (now 16 months) at 36.....honestly it was much harder at 36 including pregnancy, recovery and dealing with the night feeds.

Have a baby when you’re ready not when society tells you you should be ready. It sounds like kids aren’t for you right at this moment. Nothing wrong with waiting

The thing about having independence back or throwing yourself into your career in your 40s as your kids have grown is it difficult when your friends & family are in different life stages?

No. Got married at 25. First baby age 26, second age 29. I was established in a professional role (postgrad education) so got decent mat pay. I went back to work part time after both babies.

I wanted DC earlier, but DH kept putting it off. We ended up having DC1 when I was 34 and he was 41 and DC2 when I was 36 and he was 43. We now have an 8 and 10 year old at private school with me 45 and him 52. He had a lucrative City trading career which was supposed to pay the school fees, but having been made redundant in November, given his age, he's unlikely to work again.

We're now in a financial position where either we spend all our savings on school fees, or they leave their wonderful school. He spends his days lazing about staring at his phone, whilst I work a 60 hour week to pay the bills. If he'd agreed to have DC in his high earning days, we'd have had no issues and I am absolutely furious with him, I cannot articulate how utterly resentful I am that he's put us in this position because he delayed having DC when we could afford them.

Similar situation to you OP. Had been with DH for 8 years before having DC when I was 36 and he was 40. Had our second DC when I was 38. Had a lot of fun being DINKYs before we took the plunge. Fully accepted that as we were putting it off it might not happen for us. Very glad that it did as we wouldn’t be without them now. When they came along we were very ready for them. We’d ticked many things off the bucket list over those first 8 years - mainly long haul travel destinations - so happy to put the DC’s needs first for a few years now. No regrets!

I had all my children young.
Honest to god I had no idea whatsoever how hard it would be and I am so, so glad I had them younger.
My three year old especially is a very intense character and not just because he’s three.
He’s way more ‘testing’ and lively than the other two were at that age.
Never in a million years would I have a baby in my forties. Or even late thirties.
No way!!

I agree with @zaffa. It’s not just about whether you want children but about how many you want & the age gap. I ideally wanted two but having had my first in my late 30’s & experiencing pnd I wouldn’t want to do it again for a few years. This would mean having my second at 42 or 43 which I know a lot of women do but I’m not sure it’s right for me. A number of my friends have have waited until their first is 4 or 5 before having a second & this would suit me better too but I would be pushing it age wise. There are so many unknowns with having children in terms of conception, birth & postnatal physical & mental health. You can’t really prepare for it. Don’t feel pressured to rush in to it if you are enjoying your life now. I don’t regret waiting (& had no choice about it as met my partner later) but I was pretty naive about the whole process & thought it would be fine to turn around two in the space of three years! I don’t think having two close together is for everyone!

Got married early 20s. Wasn't sure at that age if we wanted kids or not and definitely not before 30! Enjoyed 10 lovely years of child-free marriage then the time was right age 33 to ttc. Luckily got pregnant straight away, although 2nd time round we needed ivf... funny how life pans out, and fertility is this black box of unknowable mystery, it seems - that was certainly a life lesson.

Love having our 2 dc and really appreciate the time we had before them, would love a taste of that again!

That said, from what i know now, if it was a choice between a few years' less fun (ie 5-7 rather than 10) or being a few years older when i started having kids, I'd definitely choose having them a bit younger. They aged me like nothing else and i was permanently knackered until about a year ago!

Complete opposite. As soon as I had a stable home and job, we had kids. I wanted them young. I was 25.

No regrets at all. I love that I have the energy for new challenges and travel and sports and active pursuits, and the kids can come along.

We were married for 7 years before we had our first. I was 33 and DH 37. We put it off for years, neither of us felt ready or had any great desire for children tbh but it was a kind of now or never situation as we both knew we would regret not having any. Had our amazing little boy and so happy that we did.

Anyway I then had a miscarriage at 36 ttc number 2 at 8 weeks and I've just recently had another miscarriage at 11 weeks and I'm now 38.

I am now coming to the realisation that I have probably left it too late and I don't think I dare risk trying again as i have found it very distressing. I also have a gut feeling that we're both just too old now, eggs and sperm probably not in good nick. Yes it may just have been bad luck, but I suspect not.

So yes I completely agree with PP who said you need to consider how many children you want. If it's only one then you may get away with putting it off. However if you want multiple kids then you may find yourself in the same position as me which is not a fun place to be.

OP thank you so much for posting this - I'm in an extremely similar position except 6 years down the line (36) and still really not sure if I don't want kids now or don't want them ever. Been with DP for 9 years and luckily (or perhaps unhelpfully for making a decision) he's in the same place.
Pretty much all our friends have had at least one now, a handful are on DC2, and we've just seen all their lives turn to shit, as it appears to us.
As a PP says, so many people talk about it like it's an unavoidable part of growing old to have kids but given that pretty much everyone does it I do feel like someone looking at the Emperor's New Clothes - this looks on balance pretty rubbish, why do people do it? What am I not seeing?
We have a lovely life at the moment - similar to your description OP - and I really struggle to think about giving it up. Equally though I'm very scared of not doing it and regretting it later in life.
My biggest frustration is no one bloody talks about it - suddenly everyone pops up being pregnant and of course you congratulate them etc but no one discusses pros & cons of having kids openly, I find, unless v v close friends, so while MN has filled that gap for me to an extent I struggle to really see how others in my position have decided & whether or not it worked out.
So basically thank you OP for the thread and to all those who replied, I wish this stuff was more openly talked about without scare statistics and judgement.

I met my DH at 22, married at 26, but did not have kids until I was 34. I wish I’d done it a couple of years earlier, but travel/work/fun times meant it was always on the back burner.

I met my husband when I was 19 and I'm 29 now- he's 34. We're not planning on trying for kids until next Oct

I’ve seen many posts on here from women who waited, couldn’t conceive, and have lived with regret that they didn’t have children earlier. I’ve seen many posts from women for whom having none was absolutely the right decision.

I've always gone with I'd rather regret not having children, than regret having them.
And there are a really shocking number of people who regret having kids - even if they only say it in private - and those are the ones who are admitting it to themselves.

The assumption that everyone wants children and/or should have children is pretty bleak.
It really should be opt in, rather than opt out. Having kids is the biggest life decision a person can ever make.