Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

Anyone, even with the most basic reading ability, can see that I didn't say it was always the case.

People have more than one because they enjoy being parents.
But people think it demeans them to say this.

That's ridiculous.

Some children are born out of accidents.
And why do you think people think it demeans them to say they enjoy being parents?
What's your evidence for this?

And do you mean being parents in general or parents of children?

wheres your evidence

I’m not in the crown court

I’m talking about being mumsy being synonymous for frumpy

I don’t work in your type of profession OP but have friends that do so your hesitancy to plan a baby whilst going for partnership makes sense to me.

I don’t agree with all the “why would you wait if you don’t have to” comments. This is of course a personal decision. But waiting until late 30s/early 40s does carry a greater chance of disappointment and struggle, particularly if you would like more than one child.

I met my DH when I was 30 and was 33 when we got married. We agreed to have a year as newlyweds before TTC when I was 34 hoping that this was young enough to either have no problems or to give us time if there were. We were lucky and had DD at 35 and DS at 37.

In some ways we would have loved more years being more carefree but we met when we did and really wanted children. Personally I didn’t want to risk waiting a few more years and finding we couldn’t. Now the idea of a third child as we head into our 40s gives us nightmares 🤣 so not on the table for us! But if we hadn’t already had 2 kids I don’t think starting a few more years later would have been an issue on that score if that makes sense.

I think the fundamental question that only you can answer is if you wait and can’t have them will you be consumed by regret vs if you try sooner than you feel ready-ish (I don’t believe anyone can feel 100% ready) will you feel resentful about potential impact of parenthood on your career and lifestyle?

As others have said maybe you don’t really want children and that is of course completely ok! And whilst looking ten years out is sensible keeping check on your feelings and views every year or so makes sense too.

Re the question of regret re children, whilst there have been times of feeling incredibly tired and resentful of the relentless responsibility, absolutely have no regrets about having children. I was scared that I wasn’t the naturally maternal type but I love the bones of them both.

Good luck with whatever path you decide to choose x

No I didn't but luck wasnt on my side as took some time to conceive.
Wanted 3 children by the time I was 30, I just about managed two in this time frame but tried for years for 3rd without success- I'm 36 now and happy with my lot but very thankful I didnt leave it later.

My must do list was I wanted to finish my degree, have mortgage and car before babies. Have been with husband my whole adult life so never thought about right man - saying that we'd been together so long when our daughter arrived it took longer probably to adjust to not being set in our ways.

We always wanted children, never thought it would take away the fun only add to it. Perhaps you're putting it off because you dont want any and that's perfectly ok!!

People have more than one because they enjoy being parents.
But people think it demeans them to say this.

I’m talking about being mumsy being synonymous for frumpy

Who knows what you're talking about, but it seems to be out of your mouth without going through the brain.

I’ve said very clearly exactly what I am talking about. I’m sorry you don’t appear to understand it.

Well.
Before you have kids no amount of thinking or 2nd hand experience can really help you decide either way (whether you want kids or not), and you dont know until you try about fertility or reproductive issues.

Once a child arrive there is no choice by then - most parents (I want to say every parent but this is MN so I dont know) experience unconditional love for the first time and find a new and core source of joy and meaning (and worry and frustration!) in their lives.

If you're wondering about practicality, yes some people loose their career trajectory.
Some people are more driven and change paths.
Some people accelerate in business or careers. Some people bemoan their non care free holidays. Some people rediscover childlike joy through children and appreciate simpler pleasures.

Absolutely - I waited.

I really wanted to wait till my early 40s for various reasons. Not for everyone but I really wanted that age. But I was worried that I may have trouble conceiving and my DH was super keen on a family. We agreed 38 and I fell pregnant the first month! Typical!

Good luck!

Does your DH feel the same as you? I mean, you should have kids only if you want to, but I guess it’s useful to know if it is a dealbreaker for him.

@bluesapphirestars I agree with you. I don't know why it is fashionable to bemoan having children. I love spending time with mine. Of course it is sometimes hard, very hard indeed! But it is also massively rewarding and fun. For those that say they regret it I'd be interested to know exactly why?

Yes I was married with my own home at 23 but wanted to travel and wasn't ready to give that up until I was in my 30s. People would nag us and tell us to get on with it in case either of us was infertile. It used to really annoy me I wasn't fucking stupid I knew that getting pregnant isn't easy for everyone.

OP I'm a few years older than you and had my one DC at the age I think you are now. I'm similar to you - liked the idea of having a family but wasn't so keen on the idea of a baby. Also pretty career driven (and still am), although perhaps not so ambitious as you. I never felt an 'urge' to get pregnant - it was very much a head decision to do so. I'm now in a position where things aren't straightforward and I'm likely to have fertility treatment (for health reasons not because I'm infertile) in order to try to have a second DC. It is sometimes really painful to deal with, and knowing that my odds of treatment succeeding are lower now I'm mid-30s is hard. I've been with DH since early 20s so in theory could have done this earlier. I don't think I have any actual regrets, but I'd say it's not straightforward to imagine now how you might feel at 40 if you decide to try and it doesn't work out.

Of course the complexity and messiness of life is that we can't know with any certainty how we'll be and feel in the future, but this is worth recognising in itself.

Hi OP here, sorry for no show on thread in last couple of days. So grateful for all the responses / thoughts!

My husband has zero interest in kids at the moment, I think he thinks he wants them one day (so he says) but I'm not sure if that's just 'oh that's what you do'! Li don't mean this in a rude way but his parents and family are not ambitious people. No one moves away, no one has a career, people just live quiet simple happy lives.

So many people on the thread have talked about 'more than one' and that being a relevant factor to consider if you start late. Thanks, tbh that hadn't really crossed my mind so is of interest but it had honestly never occurred to me to have more than one. I see my friends pregnant with their second and honestly I'm like 'why?!?' I can understand the curiosity and the urge to procreate (I don't feel it myself yet but I think I get it) but what on earth compels people to do it again? Just alien concept to me! But I know I'm the one one out in this regard.

I'm not being facetious, I am sure I would love a baby but what I want is a family, not children. I can't articulate it.

Family doesn't just mean children. You and your husband already are a family, and you can choose to include anyone you like of any age to join your family at any time.

It is hard to not have a hole set of ideas and expectations about any future children, but the truth is, however much you try and mould them ultimately they will live the life they want. And that is completely right.

While it's becoming more common for people to accept women who don't want children (and lets be honest it is us who are under pressure) it is still seen as being different, out of step with the norm and often something you'll regret.

I'm 50 now. When I was younger I assumed that I'd marry and have babies, but one abusive relationship later and a fabulous, rewarding and interesting career....by the time I met my husband at 35 I had decided that I didn't want children. Had no longings for them and, indeed, felt nothing but relief that I hadn't gone down that route and nothing but boredom in their company.

It doesn't mean that I - or my husband who felt the same - are in anyway less - less responsible, less able to understand love, more selfish etc etc and all the other bullshit we get told. It just meant we didn't want children.

Now, 15 years later, we have adopted our niece and nephew when their mother died and that is great. We have a brilliant life and they are fantastic human beings who had been part of our lives and our family for a long time anyway.....we're happy they are with us, but if they weren't, if their mother hadn't died or their father wasn't a deadbeat arsehole, they would still be part of our lives, but in a different way....that's a long winded welly way of saying - choose your own family. It doesn't have to involve giving birth, it doesn't even have to involve family.

You sound childfree to me. You don’t sound like you want children - especially with the recent comment of not understanding why people would have more than one.

I’m childfree too - it’s not possible to birth a child of walking / talking / independent thinking age.

The way you describe wanting a family is like when men say they want a kid to kick soccer balls in park with, or picturing walking their daughter down the aisle. Those moments are not guaranteed.

How would you cope if you have a disabled child? That’s what I would be thinking.

Your husband can have children long after you can - so you need to decide what you want now. I’m childfree and 38 and to me, you sound like someone who would find happiness & fulfilment without children.

Just the fact that you’re pushing 40 already and you sound very “airy fairy” about it all. This is not the attitude of a woman who wants to become a mother, it just isn’t. You say you don’t feel the urge either - that is also significant.

Have you considered listening to what you want & not what you think society says you need to have to tick off the “family” box ? Having a child is not a sign of success.

@vikingwife

OP is 30 I think. But I agree totally with your comment!

I think the poster who said 'if you definitely want kids do it now and if you might not then wait' struck a chord with me. I think I'm going to wait and roll with the punches. What will be will be.

I could not cope with a disabled child, it's just not compatible with my job and unless my husband was willing be stay at home full time I think I would have to consider adoption very seriously.

I've never heard anyone say it IRL, only anonymously on the internet. It was shocking at first, but I suppose it makes sense that it isn't something people feel they can do in their daily lives because of the stigma

My mother did.
My sister in law did.
I have three friends who did.

All told me. My mother because she was an evil psychotic bitch who wanted to upset me.
My sister in law when she was struggling to cope with her children, her addictions and being the product of toxic parents.

My friends because they felt that it was the done thing. The next step. That people would judge them. That people would look at their lives and think they were meaningless. That people told them they would be alone in their old age, that once the babies were here they would love them....they didn't. One of those babies was sent to public school at 8 and rarely ca,e home for weekends and went to his grandparents for holidays. He's now 29 and has a lot of issues that he's working through with a therapist.

My friends did. Married at when at uni, careers and travel for years. Had a child at 39. Divorced by 41. You can't always plan. Also, if you think kids = no fun to be had then you probably don't want kids. Just do your life, kids aren't compulsory

@Sharkerr apologies, I was of the impression Op was ballpark same age as myself.

OP even your comment that you cannot handle the thought of having a disabled child & your husband would either need to care for it or You would seriously consider adoption rings alarm bells to me.

You can’t seriously be considering waiting until you’re at the end of your reproductive life to decide have a child, when the risks of disability increase with age.

Also please don’t fall into the spell of having a family so you won’t be lonely when you get old.

It is really rare, if ever I have said to someone in real life or the internet they they sound like they are childfree & should consider not having children! I know once I decided was not going to do it (around 30 or just after) I felt quite liberated, as being on the fence felt agonising.

All the best with whatever path you decide.

That's another reason why I didn't want children - I just don't find childish things fun or the company of children fun. Endless games, crafts etc sounds like hell to me. I didn't even like being a child when I was a child - I just longed to be grown up.

My life also hasn't involved much glamour even though I've done lots of travelling for work it hasn't been Caribbean islands, more like impoverished communities in Africa in the middle of epidemics (one epidemic anyway).

Even though we have the teenagers now, our lives wouldn't have been glamorous and jet setting or whatever it is that is childfree people are supposed to do.....it would be what we are doing now. Working, pottering around, seeing friends and family, walking the dog and a few hobbies. It is perfectly reasonable to have a normal, mundane, ordinary life and enjoy it without children.

In fact it's only some parents who seem to think that without children they would have solved the Middle East crisis or ended poverty and now use their children as an excuse why they are still in their nice safe civil service job!

I put it off. Got married at 28 but we weren't sure if we definitely wanted kids or not, we liked our life style and wanted to travel. I was also waiting for my biological clock to kick in and make the decision for me. We just kept kicking the can down the road, basically!

Got to 37 and my biological clock still hadn't kicked in, but felt 'now or never' so tried. Nothing quite like getting your period to make you realise you do actually want a baby, I found. Got pregnant after 6 months and had our one and only at 38. Wouldn't be without him .

But ... couldn't have a second and divorced within 4 years. There were some underlying issues that the pressure of having a child brought out even more.

I do think one of the benefits of having children fairly early on in your marriage is that you grow as a couple with a family. Its your normal. Introducing kids into the mix later on can bring up/out all sorts of issues, in my experience.

I think I struggle with the idea of it being just us forever: no neices or nephews! Just us every Christmas. 😔

I do think one of the benefits of having children fairly early on in your marriage is that you grow as a couple with a family. Its your normal. Introducing kids into the mix later on can bring up/out all sorts of issues, in my experience.

Yes I can see how it might be harder to adapt if you have been used to it being just the two of you for a relatively long time.