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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did you deliberately put off having kids?

253 replies

Lostatsea1988 · 15/07/2020 10:00

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 15/07/2020 22:43

I had mine at 42. I didn't put it off deliberately and would have started earlier if that was possible but I don't regret how it turned out.

Busymum45 · 15/07/2020 22:44

No, i.was broody at 24 and had my first just before I was 26 ( married at 23). I can understand your thoughts but wouldn't leave it to late 30's to.40 as your body.may have other ideas !

OpenWheelRace · 15/07/2020 22:44

@Cavagirl

Equally though I'm very scared of not doing it and regretting it later in life.

Seriously - having kids because of Fear Of Missing Out is a recipe for unhappiness. There is nothing wrong with not having them, you can find joy in friends children, neices/nephews etc where you can have a hand in their life building but maintain your own space.

I think most people really underestimate how much of a commitment having kids are - and its not guaranteed to be a rewarding one.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 15/07/2020 22:57

Thank you so much for all the comments. Again to answer / respond to a few points:

I will absolutely reasses regularly and I wouldn’t lock myself into a decision now but from where I’m currently standing 34 / 35 / 36 would be a terrible time for me to be trying to get pregnant as that’s exactly when I am hoping to be either going for partner or a junior partner. For those not familiar with the process once partner you get about 2/3 FYs to bring in target clients and revenue, which is why I have 40ish in my head. By then I’ll either be a successful partner or a failed one or I’ll have settled into a similar but slightly different career track.

I don’t have any strong desire for a big family I had a sister growing up and hated it (we don’t speak now)

We live overseas very far from parents so any kid we have would not ‘have grandparents’ in the traditional sense.

My husbands parents would like a grandchild but would probably also be gutted he/she / we were so far away.

My parents are not fussed, in fact they are always not so discreetly telling me not to go ‘down that path’ Grin I think my dad thinks it would be a terrible shame to fall pregnant actually! Silly.

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 15/07/2020 23:04

Thanks @OpenWheelRace, you're exactly right & that's why we've not just gone for it to see what happens. I think that's massively risky & potentially so unfair on the child if it doesn't work out.
I guess I am struggling to evaluate the trade offs between two different life paths & am mystified how others seem to find it such an easy decision - not sure if that's because it's taken lightly (really not meaning anything badly with that) or people just really know that's what they want in which case maybe the absence of that feeling for me gives me my answer...

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 15/07/2020 23:12

@Cavagirl you won’t be surprised to hear everything you’ve said really resonates with me. X

OP posts:
OpenWheelRace · 15/07/2020 23:16

@Cavagirl I think its largely down to our culture being very grow up, get married, have kids, retire, die and its still seem as against the norm to choose not to have kids (or to not get married, or to retire early or whatever it is that isn't the standard practise).
I think far fewer people would have children if they had the opportunity to fully understand the extreme impact kids have.
I only know because I worked as a Nanny - prior to that career choice I'd have likely got pregnant in my mid-twenties with my first boyfriend - we'd been together 5 years and "that's what you did".

Shelby30 · 15/07/2020 23:19

If your loving life so much just now then maybe you don't really want kids. I've always known I wanted children, a strong desire. It is much harder than you realise. It's not just lack of sleep. It's the freedom, you can't just pop out when and where you fancy. It is so worth it though but it doesn't sound like you really want any kids.

I was so excited about having kids but I did wait until we were financially comfortable so I cld work part time and we had our forever home etc.

The longer you leave it the more you will get used to the child free adult life you've been leading for so long. It will then seem like such a bigger change.

Shelby30 · 15/07/2020 23:19

If your loving life so much just now then maybe you don't really want kids. I've always known I wanted children, a strong desire. It is much harder than you realise. It's not just lack of sleep. It's the freedom, you can't just pop out when and where you fancy. It is so worth it though but it doesn't sound like you really want any kids.

I was so excited about having kids but I did wait until we were financially comfortable so I cld work part time and we had our forever home etc.

The longer you leave it the more you will get used to the child free adult life you've been leading for so long. It will then seem like such a bigger change.

minipie · 15/07/2020 23:37

I put it off from mid 20s to early 30s, but to put it off till late 30s/40 is accepting there is a strong chance it won’t happen.

If you are happy with life as it is, and don’t feel a need for children, I would say don’t have them. There’s no going back...

DailyLaundry · 15/07/2020 23:54

I guess I am struggling to evaluate the trade offs between two different life paths & am mystified how others seem to find it such an easy decision - not sure if that's because it's taken lightly (really not meaning anything badly with that) or people just really know that's what they want in which case maybe the absence of that feeling for me gives me my answer...

It wasn't an easy decision for us. As you say, on paper, there's a hell of a lot of negatives and you can't really see the positives - it's this "unexplainable feeling" that people tell you about, so you have to have faith that you'll have that too - and you may not, I don't think everyone would choose again to have kids.

I also thought I wouldn't be one of those women whose whole life needed to change just because I had a baby. Oh, the naivety. I really was clueless - I think that's quite common unless you've been around people with babies a lot.
That said, I'm hopefully through the hardest years now. (Ignoring the teen years to come...)

dulciepepp · 16/07/2020 00:25

i never had a burning desire to have children but knew they were always part of my future & don't regret them at all.
However it's harder than I imagined & I am lucky in that I have quite a bit of help (pre lockdown was the first time I had both dc for probably more than week) & my life isn't particularly stressful. In different circumstances I absolutely would struggle. Being a parent is a huge responsibility in terms of raising & nurturing another human being.

Having said that I don't think you need dc to have a happy or fulfilling life.

TimeWastingButFun · 16/07/2020 00:32

I was planning to start early 30s but then my fiancée died, so by the time I had met and married my husband and had our first baby I was almost 37 - definitely was cutting it fine. So if that had happened a couple of years later I probably wouldn't have been able to have kids. So from personal experience, knowing how life can throw a curve ball at any time, I wouldn't leave it too late!

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 16/07/2020 03:04

I know you tell yourself what you want to hear but god, this thread has really brought some things home for me.

I thought I was open minded about this (interested you hear different view points) but I’m just recoiling (in my head) from everyone who has said ‘it’s risky, health / fertility issues’. It kind of makes me want to batten down the hatches irrationally.

OP posts:
Hopefulhen · 16/07/2020 03:24

I think I get it, having the sort of career that requires fifteen hour days and having a young child/taking mat leave are just not compatible. You have to pick one and I think it sounds like you will be completely unfulfilled and dissatisfied if you choose the baby over your career.
It’s a gamble waiting until you’re forty but it sounds like it’s worth the risk because you have a lot of personal satisfaction to gain from continuing on your current trajectory.

RedRumTheHorse · 16/07/2020 07:15

@Lostatsea1988

I know you tell yourself what you want to hear but god, this thread has really brought some things home for me.

I thought I was open minded about this (interested you hear different view points) but I’m just recoiling (in my head) from everyone who has said ‘it’s risky, health / fertility issues’. It kind of makes me want to batten down the hatches irrationally.

The problem is no one knows if they can get pregnant easily in their late 30s/early 40s until they try.

I know - related to and friends with - women who were married/had met their husband, put their career first working long hours and then managed to get pregnant very easily when they wanted to. (A couple of women actually used having children to change career.) I have other friends who didn't get pregnant easily and those who didn't end up having the number of children they wanted.
I also have friends and acquaintances that now won't have children due to fertility problems or simply leaving it too late for them. That's why I posted previously to get your ovarian reserve looked at now if you want to make a more informed decision.

Also don't presume that either of you will be happy with full-time childcare and won't want to be more hands on. With older parents I know even the men tend to have one day/one afternoon off in the week. I've ended up having conversations with my plumber who is in his 40s with his toddler in the background on his "paperwork" day as he clearly looking after him. My optician works certain days for the same reason.

problembottom · 16/07/2020 07:36

DP and I waited ten years into our relationship. There’s an age gap between us and I was still climbing the career ladder, plus we wanted to go on amazing holidays and live a certain lifestyle. We started trying when I was 35 and DP late 40s and it happened straight away.

In my NCT group of eight the age range of women was 32-42 and two (late 30s) had had IVF. DP’s age is not uncommon in our area, he has quite a few friends with young kids too.

It is harder for women - my sister married at 40 and was unable to conceive and I have a friend who is 40 and has been trying for a while. Not fair but sadly the reality.

SeagoingSexpot · 16/07/2020 07:56

Honestly, @Lostatsea1988 and @Cavagirl, if the only things in the "pro" column are "everyone seems to do it, are we missing something" and "I'm scared of missing out", I don't think you want them at all. Not now, and maybe not ever. That could change - for some women a switch really does metaphorically flip in their thirties - but "scared of missing out" is a bad reason for having children, and it's true that when you've had many years to get used to an affluent, independent lifestyle with few constraints, it's a brutal adjustment, even when you really want them.

Original poster
Lostatsea1988 · 16/07/2020 08:06

The thing is I don't even want a baby - I think they're very cute but the idea of being pg, giving birth or breastfeeding, or singing nursery rhymes horrifies me. I just want to skip straight to the stage where we go camping together and they bring their partner round for Christmas and we go on ski holidays 😂 I think I want to give birth to a 22 year old :)

Adoption is 100% something I'm considering but I don't want to give up work. A birth child is easier in that sense.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 16/07/2020 08:11

We had been together 13 years and married 7 - I was 32 when we started trying, 34 when DS was born. I'm glad we tried when we did as it took 14 months of TTC, inexplicably (we had tests and got the results back the month I got pregnant).

It's just worth bearing in mind that the "process" of the disruption of having a small baby can be about 3 years. So, if you want to cut down, several months of less drinking and maybe saving money, 10 months of pregnancy, up to a year of mat leave. We had regular sleepless nights for over a year, even when I went back to work. And then you're into exhausting toddler territory.

If you want to stay on your career trajectory then it does make sense that you're writing off the next few years, but ultimately it is completely life changing whenever you do it.

stairgates · 16/07/2020 08:15

Are you in a position to freeze some eggs to be on the safe side incase you do decide for a child or children later on? It would give you a little bit of a security blanket for when/if the time feels right for you :)

Bluewavescrashing · 16/07/2020 08:24

I wasn't a massive baby person, obviously loved mine and cared for them but I much prefer the primary school age.

Cavagirl · 16/07/2020 08:34

@Lostatsea1988
I just want to skip straight to the stage where we go camping together and they bring their partner round for Christmas and we go on ski holidays 😂 I think I want to give birth to a 22 year old

Grin I know exactly what you mean!! While I'm finding it really hard to figure out whether being a mother is what I want, I know I definitely want to be a grandma!! Grin
To all those who replied (thank you) if your pre-children self had a time machine & could fast forward to see your post- children life & how you feel now, would they still have made the same decision? (If you don't mind answering of course).
I ask in that way because of course everyone says "oh but I wouldn't be without them" having had them, but it's a slightly different question (hopefully not a rude one!)

dulciepepp · 16/07/2020 08:36

@Lostatsea1988 not sure if you're being facetious but I wouldn't have kids based on future scenarios. You may end up being disappointed, your dc will be their own individuals with their own needs & wants & may not fit into your future vision.

Heyhih3 · 16/07/2020 08:41

Surely what makes a baby happen is the feeling that you would like a baby or are broody rather than planning to have a child so late on in life.... you can’t have it all there’s pros and cons to everything.
You can delay OP just remember you won’t really know how long it could take to get pregnant or if your fertility will decrease towards 40.