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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did you deliberately put off having kids?

253 replies

Lostatsea1988 · 15/07/2020 10:00

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

OP posts:

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 14:12

I wanted children but I didn’t meet my partner until later in life. I didn’t feel able to have a child alone although I was seriously considering adoption as a single woman, though I think I’d have struggled to get past panel.

Raimona · 15/07/2020 14:13

Having kids fucks up your body for ever. I enjoyed my attractive healthy body for as long as I could, and had DC when I was nearly 40 and my body was starting to look crap anyway so I had less to lose.

AnotherEmma · 15/07/2020 14:13

Priorities

MuttleysSnigger · 15/07/2020 14:13

Yes, we had everything sorted re house, jobs etc and didn't have kids until I was 37 and DH 40 because we just didn't want to until then. (we met mid 20s). Knew we wanted them but also knew we wanted to wait. If it hadn't got pregnant when I did, we'd already decided that that was just something we'd have to live with as part of the choice of waiting iyswim.

Best decision ever. Had dc2 when I was 40.

MuttleysSnigger · 15/07/2020 14:14

And this

BiddyPop · 15/07/2020 14:25

I did but not as long as 40s. I was early 30s, but we'd been married 6 years at that stage, so had bought our 1st (and moved onto our 2nd) house at that stage, done renovations, enjoyed life as a couple, advanced a couple of steps at work, etc.

It was a deliberate decision to TTC at that stage.

Am now 45 and DD is 14. We have had some fun getting back into going to big concerts occasionally etc in recent years (not taken DD yet but expect to do that soon), she's teaching me things about learning to sail, I go on roller coasters etc with her (DH does 1 and he's done! ). She's old enough to help out at home and organise herself if DH and I both get stuck with work. I don't think I could do small babies at this stage (both work is too full on and my body is already quite middle-aged, although I try and trick it into doing lots of adventure stuff still!). But lots of friends either had DCs who were heading into teen years, or didn't have them for another 5-10 years after DD arrived, so its a real mix.

RaisinGhost · 15/07/2020 14:36

Not me but I have friends who have had your plan. In fact most men I've known have had that idea. I think it's completely fine as far as plans go. But I've noticed they seem to think it's an unavoidable thing that they dread, like wrinkles or going grey. I've pointed out "errr you know you don't have to have them at all"? If you are dreading it and putting it off like an awful chore - don't do it at all. No one is forcing you.

RaisinGhost · 15/07/2020 14:38

I guess I planned ahead by having a fat ugly body my whole life! I could then have dc whenever and see no changes

jamieotis009 · 15/07/2020 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

zaffa · 15/07/2020 14:51

I did OP and whilst I am so absolutely in love with DD (has her 2 weeks before I turned 38) I have never felt tiredness like this. Whilst I'm still functioning and just getting on with it because the besottedness outweighs the exhaustion there is no way I can contemplate a second baby - not whilst DD is still so little. So realistically if I wanted a second it would be after I was 40 and I don't believe I would cope, I think it would just be far too much. So whilst I have no regrets on DD I have cried more than once that she will be my last. If I had known I would be so happy and so in love with her I would have started earlier and had two or three babies. I'd love her to have a younger sibling but not at the compromise of a tired, wrung out mummy or daddy (DH is 46)
My own mum had me at 30 and all my siblings between 19-22 and often tells me of the difference even in that age of stamina and coping ability.
Don't just think about the first baby, think about what age you will be when you have your last also.

dulciepepp · 15/07/2020 14:52

I had first at 33 which I know isn't 40 but had house & met DH at 20 & was married at 29 so could have done so earlier.

Wasn't ready but tbh I didn't feel ready at 33, we just thought we should try as friends were all starting to pop them out & it happened very quickly. Had dc2 at 35, could have done so sooner as dc1 was relatively easy but again didn't feel ready for 2.

The benefits for me having them then is I actually had to find a new career as my old one wasn't suitable (which I have), grandparents are able to assist as they are late 60s & a big one for me was all my friends had young dc at a similar time so if I had put it off I wouldn't really be able to do much with my friends & wouldn't have some freedom back at a similar time.

BabyLlamaZen · 15/07/2020 14:53

I agree that if you're concerned you will feel obligated to use the embryos, it sounds like it may not be for you. Even when you are obsessively wanting them more than life itself, having a baby is extremely difficult and very trapping and life limiting, at least for a good few years. You've got to really want it.

dulciepepp · 15/07/2020 14:54

Oh & my 2nd one was a shit sleeper for like 2.5 yrs, that's tough whatever age but probably harder when your older.

Nosuchluck · 15/07/2020 14:58

I had my 3rd DC at 31 so by the time I was 49 when my youngest started uni I was able to do all the fun stuff. So don't forget there's pros and cons to waiting.

Minty82 · 15/07/2020 14:59

My friend did this. She and her husband met at medical school, have been together since they were 19, and spent years progressing as doctors, building their careers, saving lots of money and going on nice holidays, before having three children at 38, 39 and 41. It worked out fine for them - they had no trouble conceiving, the kids are healthy and they live in a beautiful house. But it’s a gamble!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/07/2020 15:00

I did. We loved travelling, eating out etc and were not desperate to be parents. I also had some health issues which I was hoping would get better. We both have good jobs and were together for 10 years before having our first at 34. I would caution you to really think things though even though it worked really well and I got pregnant straight away. And have fertility tests first even if you want to delay. Because of the following reasons -

I just know so many people now with fertility issues. Some tried for 7 or 8 years before getting their baby / babies. If you wait til late 30s you will not be able to try for that long if you have issues. If you're ok with this that's fine, and as I was never sure about having kids, I knew that if we couldn't conceive I wouldnt want to do IVF or anything.

Really think about how many kids you want and age gaps. It takes an average of a few months to get pregnant and then obviously 9 months growing and what age will you be when you give birth for the second or third time? Quite a few of my friends have had kids close to 40 and they knew they wanted really small gaps eg 18 months ish partly because they were aware their fertility was declining...it is really intense though for the first couple of years and would be very daunting if your first was a difficult baby or a bad sleeper etc and you hadn't properly recovered.

The chances of genetic abnormalities increases with age (although they are still low) and the chances of birth complications increase with age especially over 35. I got early private tests to check for genetic disorders as wanted to make an early decision if we had had any issues so thats always an option.

My best friend waited and waited and was 36 or 37 before she had her first. The baby was stillborn. She regrets waiting so much because there is a small chance that her age may have been a contributing factor. Only a small chance but she looks back and doesn't think the holidays etc were worth the risk (I know this isnt really logical).

Mostly though I like my children, I like spending time with them, and if I'd had them earlier I would spend more time with them before I die if that makes sense! Likewise my parents have an amazing relationship with them but are in their 70s now, if I'd had them 5 years earlier then that would be 5 more years the kids would have of having a loving grandparent in their life. Of course I or they may live to be 100 anyway and it won't make any difference but it might. My parents haven't had both kids overnight yet as the 2 year old is a bit of a handful but maybe they would if they had been 5 years younger.

Sometimes I just feel old! I'm one of the older ones at the school gates in my area and I'm going to have to work til I'm 60 to put them through uni whereas I'd have preferred to stop work or reduce it earlier. My 5 year old told me I'm the oldest parent in her class.

I don't regret it but I wouldn't necessarily wait as long if I had to do it again.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 15/07/2020 15:04

Oh also secondary fertility issues is definitely a thing. I know at least 3 people who waited, had a baby and then just couldn't conceive a second because they left it too late

OpenWheelRace · 15/07/2020 15:04

Why have a baby at all?

It's a completely valid, and often very sensible, life decision to remain child free.

I hate the assumption that children are an essential life step; they're just not. Many people (far more than those willing to admit it) would be better off not having them, and the environment certainly would be better off for it.

MsTSwift · 15/07/2020 15:07

It’s a massive lottery. We have friends who having children has literally ruined their lives.

dulciepepp · 15/07/2020 15:07

Good point about age gaps, I started earlier then I ideally wanted because the idea of having another 1 or 2 straight after horrified me!

Waiting42021 · 15/07/2020 15:18

*Why have a baby at all?

It's a completely valid, and often very sensible, life decision to remain child free.*

I agree with this to an extent. For me personally, it’s the uncertainty. I think there are many, many women who feel the same.

I can’t speak for the OP but for me, I don’t want children now (I’m 29). Who knows how I’ll feel in a few years, when it could be too late.

I’ve seen many posts on here from women who waited, couldn’t conceive, and have lived with regret that they didn’t have children earlier. I’ve seen many posts from women for whom having none was absolutely the right decision.

As a pp said, it’s a lottery. You don’t know how you’ll feel about having kids until you have them. I’ve thought about it every day for the last couple of years, and I’m no closer to making a decision!

Elbels · 15/07/2020 15:30

This is a really interesting question. I'm 33 and was meant to be married soon but that's been delayed to next year.

Everyone around is having children. My partner would crack on now because he's really keen. I'm not... I don't know what I'm waiting to happen but I feel like we've got a really nice life, our careers are progressing and I want to do far more as the two of us. We've talked about trying straight after the wedding next year but even that terrifies me!

bluesapphirestars · 15/07/2020 15:36

Nearly always the women with children who pour scorn on other women who want them , funny that.

LakieLady · 15/07/2020 15:39

Yes - for ever, as it turned out.

All through my 20s and early 30s, I knew I didn't want childrenyet. Sometime in my later 30s, I began to realise it simply wasn't for me.

BarbedBloom · 15/07/2020 15:40

I started trying at 25 and then found out about my infertility. I am now 38 and childless. A friend put it off as she wanted to do more travelling and is also childless due to unexplained infertility. It can be a risky choice to make depending how much you want children.

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