Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

To all those who replied (thank you) if your pre-children self had a time machine & could fast forward to see your post- children life & how you feel now, would they still have made the same decision?

Ultimately yes but it is far harder than I imagined. I didn't understand the guilt, anxiety, responsibility I would feel.

I am appreciating the teenage and 20's age groups :) I love a cuddle with my babies, happy to roll around on the floor with the toddlers and am an excellent ear to the school drama age groups in the middle but am loving having someone to chat to at the end of the day

@Cavagirl I dont think I would be as good a person if I hadn't had them if that makes sense, they improved me :)

I could freeze eggs but I'm not keen on the idea as a) should have done that when I was 25 tbh (I'm a really rational person) and b) again I think the pressure would be too much - every year that passed I'd have a nagging guilt that I needed to use them

I'm not being facetious, I am sure I would love a baby but what I want is a family, not children. I can't articulate it.

I appreciate my kids might move to the other side of the world (like I did!) I think I'd still feel a lot of joy in having raised well adjusted adults even if I didn't see a lot of them.

@Lostatsea1988

I'm not being facetious, I am sure I would love a baby but what I want is a family, not children. I can't articulate it.

I appreciate my kids might move to the other side of the world (like I did!) I think I'd still feel a lot of joy in having raised well adjusted adults even if I didn't see a lot of them.

This is why I had a baby if that helps. I knew I would struggle with a toddler and I am, a bit. I'm quite pragmatic and logical. 20 month old DS is not.

I'm 31, with a great salary, married, own home, great savings. We've put off having kids, and it's all thanks to Mumsnet! You guys make it sound like such a chore .

My husband has twinges of anxiety about fertility, but the women in my family have all easily had children in their late thirties/early forties for generations, and there's no reason to be paranoid that I'd be any different.

I had a rough ride in my late twenties career-building. Lots of stress, weight gain, and have only just found my true passion of writing. I'd rather enter motherhood off the back of a few years really enjoying myself with travel and hobbies and having lost a lot of weight than immediately plunge myself into the stress and exhaustion of early parenthood.

Not that we're delaying forever, but I see no reason to lose my head over statistics when the penalty is so high.

(I've also come to the firm conclusion that I'm only doing one pregnancy - high incidence of twins in the family. I think I can be a great mum doing it once, but I just can't imagine setting the clock back on the early years by having another, and risk turning one into three or two into four!)

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us

Freedom is limited by parenting, I’ll grant you, but if you feel that fun stops when the DC arrive m, maybe you shouldn’t have any.

Ime the second child was a breeze compared to the first. The first, you're still learning, everything is a learning experience with all the mental strain that comes with it, as well as the mental adjustment.
I found I almost wanted a second to put that experience to good use! You've already got all the equipment, networks etc and the other bonus is in a couple of years they can play together leaving you free to just supervise instead of joining in another inexplicable complicated game!

To all those who replied (thank you) if your pre-children self had a time machine & could fast forward to see your post- children life & how you feel now, would they still have made the same decision? (If you don't mind answering of course).

Yes, I would. It was a very hard adjustment when I had my first, as a logical, independent, intellectual, highly strung person who loved my work, and that was as someone who was very unsure in my 20s but knew at 30 that I did want DC. But I have surprised myself with the maternal side I have found and they have brought me balance, perspective, joy, motivation, and simplicity. And so much laughter. I never anticipated how often I would laugh till my sides hurt. I actually found myself hankering for a third after finding my second baby an absolute joy, and that won't be happening for all the practical reasons, but for me personally, I would have missed out on so much if I had never had them.

It has also radically reshaped my feeling about my body, and put me back in touch with it, after living in my head for 30 years.

@Lostatsea1988, when you talk about wanting to give birth to a 22yo... There are ways to have that relationship with young adults and teens, and indeed with children, without giving birth to them. You can be a mentor, you can volunteer, you can be an awesome auntie or adopted auntie.

@Lostatsea1988

I could freeze eggs but I'm not keen on the idea as a) should have done that when I was 25 tbh (I'm a really rational person) and b) again I think the pressure would be too much - every year that passed I'd have a nagging guilt that I needed to use them

It might just need a smal mental adjustment:) They are not children or babies waiting there they are something else?:) like storing stem cells for health treatment, think of them as a fall back medical possibility. We naturally pass them each month so its literally just popping a few in a bottle at the back of the medicine cupboard And tell yourself, 25 yrs is better than 35 but thats better than 45! I think egg health drops at mid 30's? not sure at all about that but someone with a bit more knowledge may do.

@Minty82

My friend did this. She and her husband met at medical school, have been together since they were 19, and spent years progressing as doctors, building their careers, saving lots of money and going on nice holidays, before having three children at 38, 39 and 41. It worked out fine for them - they had no trouble conceiving, the kids are healthy and they live in a beautiful house. But it’s a gamble!

Gosh they were lucky and to have them so close together too.

I put it off. I wanted to be a parent but knew how dull babies were. Had to be in the right mindset to endure that phase of their development plus all the interfering busy bodies that come with babies (relatives you've not seen in donkeys years telling your their "birth trauma" or health visitors being part of your life etc)
My family history suggests that even back in 1800s women didn't start family until they were 30s so you do you!!

@Cavagirl

OP thank you so much for posting this - I'm in an extremely similar position except 6 years down the line (36) and still really not sure if I don't want kids now or don't want them ever. Been with DP for 9 years and luckily (or perhaps unhelpfully for making a decision) he's in the same place. Pretty much all our friends have had at least one now, a handful are on DC2, and we've just seen all their lives turn to shit, as it appears to us. As a PP says, so many people talk about it like it's an unavoidable part of growing old to have kids but given that pretty much everyone does it I do feel like someone looking at the Emperor's New Clothes - this looks on balance pretty rubbish, why do people do it? What am I not seeing? We have a lovely life at the moment - similar to your description OP - and I really struggle to think about giving it up. Equally though I'm very scared of not doing it and regretting it later in life. My biggest frustration is no one bloody talks about it - suddenly everyone pops up being pregnant and of course you congratulate them etc but no one discusses pros & cons of having kids openly, I find, unless v v close friends, so while MN has filled that gap for me to an extent I struggle to really see how others in my position have decided & whether or not it worked out. So basically thank you OP for the thread and to all those who replied, I wish this stuff was more openly talked about without scare statistics and judgement.

I was you!! I had counselling to come to terms with the fact I didn't actually want children. I thought I should. Societal pressure has a lot to answer for. You see it on here a lot - the childfree threads often get hijacked with people saying how wonderful it all is.

Nobody talks about regretting having children much, it's a big taboo.

Op, I was like you also- if I could give birth to a much older child I would have. It's the relentlessness of parenting and it seems to have changed some of my friends beyond recognition of who they were pre-kids.

Why do you want kids? What are your reasons? I had to think about that a lot before I realised I don't actually want them at all! My life is fulfilling and rich without them and that suits me just fine.

Delayed it for 2 or 3 years. Had DS with no problems but the regret really kicked in after the 3 miscarriages that followed him.

Miscarriages get increasingly common through your thirties.

My friend waited until nearly 40 because she was having fun and is now suffering huge depression & guilt because after struggling to conceive she has just found out her few remaining eggs aren't good enough for IVF (they've had 5 failed cycles).

Life doesnt end when you have kids you know . They are LOADS of fun. Christmas is miles better with children, the whole month of december is one long excitement fest, you still get holidays and meals out etc.

We are, I suppose. We have a house, good jobs, happy marriage, etc. but a few extra years mean we will have passed a few more career stages and will be even more financially secure. Also, we are both working on really exciting projects at the moment and will be for the forseeable future - possible with kids but more difficult. Then there is practical things, like having to move to a bigger place or that none of our close friends or family have kids, which means children would have a knock-on effect on our social life.

I don't mind the baby/toddler stage - I fostered some cousins at that age for a while, so I know what I would get myself into. Also totally okay with teenage+ but the time in between bores me to death. DH gets on great with kids that age, though, we'll just have to take it in turns

Selfish and a little vain perhaps, but I also want to have enough savings in to have the option to "fix things" if I hate my body after pregnancy and birth. It might not change much or I might be perfectly fine with the changes but most 30+ bodies don't just bounce back to pre-pregnancy. Having the option would give me quite a bit of peace of mind.

Also, if we end up without children, that is fine by both of us. We are playing it by ear for now.

I’m like Cavagirl and the OP - I’ve been thinking ‘not now, maybe in a few years when I’ve finished doing X’ since I was in my 20s (I’ve been with my partner since I was 21). When I was 30 I got a job at a company renowned for being great with mat leave, supportive and friendly where loads of staff had babies - and I had no reason not to have kids really. But I just still didn’t want them yet. I’m now 36 and I still don’t want to. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that I haven’t had to do lockdown with toddlers/very young children! My sister has two and she’s been driven demented. I’ve spent plenty of time around babies, and I don’t want to ruin my body (I do a non-competitive sport that demands core strength - I’ve seen women try to come back after childbirth and they are completely back to square one), and for a long time I didn’t want to move house (I love my small flat!) though lockdown has made me realise a garden would be amazing. I currently think I won’t bother. I actually like babies but not toddlers, and what about when your kid turned into a horrible teenager?! I got a puppy and it was exactly like having a baby except without the bodily functions and frankly I was exhausted and I didn’t have to feed him myself or recover from childbirth at the same time. I may just stick to dogs, or my biological clock might suddenly wake up at 40, but if it does then I’m not going to consider it as having been wasting time - all my life is important and I’m not just here to make babies!

I didnt want children but after years of conversations with my husband we started trying at 36. I just assumed it would be easy to conceive but I had to have ops for fibroids, scarring and then still no luck so had 3 rounds of failed private ivf. I was told I had hardly any eggs left and wouldn't ever conceive naturally and needed an egg donor. Amazingly I got pregnant naturally at 39 but miscarried at 21 weeks due to cervical weakness (which was rare) but have since had 2 children at 40 and 42. I would never advise leaving it as late as I did, I was a bit arrogant about it.
It is hard at my age to have 2 toddlers, I am pretty exhausted and I have little connection to the person I was before as I am a sahm. I don't get much alone time especially at the moment. Mostly I don't regret having them as I have been so lucky but the struggle has taken its toll on me mentally.
I would advise to have them as soon as you feel able and secure. Good luck!

I didn't meet Dh until I was 28, and it would have been lovely to have more time together but we both wanted kids so didn't risk leaving it. I had mine at 31 and 35.
I look back very fondly on my free and selfish 20's, but I'm now also looking forwards to having older kids to do theme parks and holidays with in my 40's, and being independent again at mid 50's when they have grown up. For me the baby/toddler phase is adorable but hard work, and something to be got out of the way before getting to the enjoyable family life bit.
If there's a good chance you'll decide you don't want kids at all though that's a different story.

I think it all boils down to this: yes you can wait until you're 40 and start trying then but realise it just might not happen at that age. Don't expect to conceive easily at 40. Once you're 40 the chance of conceiving each cycle is 5% and obviously reduces as the years go by. I'm sure we all know people who've had babies in their 40s but I know more people who couldn't conceive or who conceived but had multiple miscarriages. And of course you don't have to have children. I have plenty of friends who are child free, living great lives and are very happy. I certainly don't regret having having children. I love being a mum but it's exhausting and does tend to take over your life (as it should) although I still have lots of fun. So yes, wait if you wish but be aware it might result in you not having children at all or facing stressful years of trying to conceive, having miscarriages etc.

OP I'd say take it a year at a time. Feelings can change either way. Throughout my 20's I was very career driven, questioned whether DC were for me etc. Then felt very broody. Got married and that felt far too grown up and suddenly I didn't want to start trying, so waited another 2 years. It then took 2 years and proved to me I definitely wanted them, as I was so upset each month that I wasn't pregnant. I now have 3. You may never get that urge or suddenly a switch might flip and you're all for it.
Like you, I wanted a family but I knew I'd struggle with the baby phase. However I enjoyed it more than expected and it changed me for the better - less selfish, more patient, appreciate the little things, more thoughtful, more caring, not trying to keep my house up to perfect standards (which used to stress me out) and as cliche as it sounds, it has shown me a whole other love that I'd never experienced before. It is HARD work, but for us the rewards have far outweighed the effort.

The po-faced 'children are fun' etc are missing the point (and also somewhat either dense or delusional if they think that there's not a huge difference in the kind of fun you can have with/without kids).

I'm aware that having kids is not an unendingly miserable experience. I wouldn't contemplate having them if I thought it was, FGS!

But it's overwhelmingly centred around them and their lives. Even if you don't go in for 'little emperor' style levels of self-sacrifice and have kids fit in with your lifestyle, you still need to put them first.

And if you can't enjoy the whole month of December as Christmas without some kid hanging off you then that's on you!

Ime the second child was a breeze compared to the first. The first, you're still learning, everything is a learning experience with all the mental strain that comes with it, as well as the mental adjustment.
I found I almost wanted a second to put that experience to good use! You've already got all the equipment, networks etc and the other bonus is in a couple of years they can play together leaving you free to just supervise instead of joining in another inexplicable complicated game!

I get what you mean, but for me there's no huge infant-nurturing urge to fulfil that means I'd want to repeat that, even if it were easier. I'll get through it, I'm sure, but I also have migraines aggravated by poor sleep. I'm very good at giving my attention to one thing in loving detail but I don't enjoy being torn in a hundred competing directions.

Nope, I'd definitely rather do the job once and well than martyr myself to another child/children. (before you even get to the point of looking at financial support etc for multiple children)

In an ideal world, I'd carry on the extreme levels of non-identical twins we have in the family and have two in one go, taking the hit once. But you can't plan for these things!

The po-faced 'children are fun' etc are missing the point (and also somewhat either dense or delusional if they think that there's not a huge difference in the kind of fun you can have with/without kids).

Why is it po-faced?

If you still want adult, child free fun MORE than you want child-centred fun, then stay child free. It’s obvious isn’t it?

@ChelseeDagger

Why does it need to be 7/8/9 years OP?
If you do want children surely the sensible compromise is to wait 3/4/5 years and try between 35-36 when your chances of success are exponentially higher than at 40.

• I agree with this advice and is in fact the situation I am in myself.

• op assuming your age is in your username I am a similar age to yourself (slightly younger). Me and DP absolutely want children but we can't help feel like we have got so much to do before having children, i.e marriage, travel, savings etc. but there is a big BUT .. we have realised that we are going to have to make sacrifices to outweigh the risks of not being able to conceive if we were to leave it too late and to give us time should we require any help with fertility treatment. As a compromise like the advice above we have decided that we are going to have the best 2/3 years (if we can, covid pending) going on as many little breaks, holidays etc as possible, whilst also trying to cut down on other spends to build on our savings.. There are of course a list of countries that I would love to travel to (i.e australia, new zealand) that we just wont be able to do before having DC and to which I have accepted that if we do travel there it will be in 10+ years with children.

If we wait 2/3 years I will be 32/33 which the latest I am willing to wait.

I have also had a (basic) pelvic ultrasound to check my reproductive system to check for any obvious concerns that may delay successful ttc. I was very fortunate that all is well, although I am fully aware that this was in no means a thorough check, i.e hormones, sperm analysis etc has not been carried out! Would you consider getting a fertility check yourself??

Nope, I'd definitely rather do the job once and well than martyr myself to another child/children. (before you even get to the point of looking at financial support etc for multiple children)

I think you've misunderstood my point. Of course everyone wants to 'do the job well' first time round, but for me, the experience of the first meant that naturally the job was done far better second time round - by which I mean with less impact on my mental health as well as practically. And I'm not martyring myself in any way - I'm extremely aware that we chose a second child, that it has in some ways made life more complicated than just the one but also happier, and due to the difficulty conceiving the second and having the experience of having dc1, I felt I went into it with my eyes completely open, so not a 'martyr' at all. If you suspect you'd feel that the whole experience was one of sacrifice with little gain I would say perhaps parenthood isn't for you - I did feel that way for the first few months to be quite honest because of particular circs with dc1, and I was terrified I'd made a huge mistake. Luckily things improved after the first few months.

I'm very good at giving my attention to one thing in loving detail but I don't enjoy being torn in a hundred competing directions.
In an ideal world, I'd carry on the extreme levels of non-identical twins we have in the family and have two in one go, taking the hit once.

Honestly, the second sentence does not follow from the first!

You're right in that I think people don't always appreciate how much your life has to change to put the children first. My young relative who is an au pair has seriously reconsidered having kids herself.

I guess what I'm massively struggling with is I feel like I'm trying to predict what kind of life I want in 10/20/30+ years time (assuming I'm lucky enough to live that long!)
I know right now I don't want kids.
But how do I know if I'll want them aged 40, 50, 60? In which case, if it's a yes, probably I should sacrifice some freedom, fun, and lovely life and crack on now, accepting that it's a compromise I'm making to enable my future happiness.
Equally when I think about what it is I love about now and that puts me off having kids, it really is the loss of freedom - but will all the travel & lovely restaurants & lie-ins, last minute trips & quiet house still have the same appeal in 10/20 years time?
I also hate the idea of having kids and effectively wishing away their younger years until I get my independence back etc, I don't think that's fair at all.
It's such a dilemma and I wish it was talked about more openly. As a PP said saying you regret having children is such a taboo, so I feel like I'll never be able to get an honest view really from even my closest friends, and everyone is different anyway.
Oh how I wish for a crystal ball!