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AIBU?

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Original poster

So hurt

149 replies

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 14:31

Hi everyone. Feeling so hurt today. I have a 5 year old daughter and an 18 month old son from separate relationships and neither of my children have contact with their fathers (their choices). My daughter's paternal family, however, are amazing. They stood up when their son turned his back and I was especially close with his mum (my daughter's nan). She was even there when I gave birth to my son (not her biological grandchild), cut his cord, was the first person to dress him and has taken him every week since along with my little girl. He calls her Nanny and I always thought she was besotted with him. Anyway, this morning I had a shitty text from her saying that she was upset that I haven't asked them how they are during lockdown (I've responded to all texts and sent pics of the kids, didn't realise I had done anything wrong?) I sent more pics of both kids this morning and she only acknowledged the ones of her biological granddaughter and commented on her and ignored every single thing about my son. It was obvious and I'm gutted. She's never done anything like that and it feels like it was done intentionally to hurt me. Not sure how to resolve this situation if anyone has any advice. I really don't know what I've done wrong.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2020 14:44

When you've responded to her texts, did you ever ask how she was doing?

FatherBrownsBicycle · 14/07/2020 14:45

text from her saying that she was upset that I haven't asked them how they are during lockdown

She’s pretty much spelt it out tbh. You haven’t asked how she/they are coping or if they are ok during lockdown. She thought you cared about her and is upset that you haven’t ask so now feels like you don’t care about them (with the subtext of ‘after treating DS as her own grandchild’)
Sending photo’s and general texts without asking “how are you doing with all this going on?” Has upset her by the sounds of it. What you do about it depends on how much you want to repair the relationship between you, DS & her.

Original poster
HP1092 · 14/07/2020 14:47

@Aquamarine1029 mostly just responded with pictures of the kids as she was asking how they are. But have asked a few times how things with her business was going during lockdown, etc. I suppose I could of asked more how she was doing personally and I will apologise to her for that but I still don't think that justifies ignoring my son.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 14/07/2020 14:48

Pick up the phone, call her and have an actual conversation about it.

DibDibDibduh · 14/07/2020 14:49

responding is not the same . sending one out of the blue asking how they are shows that you are thinking about them

lunar1 · 14/07/2020 14:51

Call her, check on them. She has more than stepped up for you and your family. Responding with photos isn't enough.

CuppaZa · 14/07/2020 14:51

I see her point tbh. She’s been there for you for what, 5 years? Supported and helped you. She obviously feels hurt at the lack of reciprocation from you during Covid.

Ellisandra · 14/07/2020 14:51

Agree with @LovingLola - pick up the bloody phone! If it’s a good person that you’ve pissed off, you can sort it quickly. Even if you do though - be wary that few people would ever really see your both children as equally important to them.

CuppaZa · 14/07/2020 14:52

FYI, sending pics of your kids is not concern, or checking in her or seeing her if she’s ok. It’s not even a conversation

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2020 14:52

She's told you what you've done.

She sounds like a very warm, loving person so it's possible if you're just keeping chat centered around the children and her business, she's taken that as you not really caring about her.

dontdisturbmenow · 14/07/2020 14:53

She is clearly very upset to react as she has. Swallow done humble pie and find out exactly what's behind it all. I doubt it is just because you didn't ask how they were. There's bound to be more to.it and that's what you need to find out.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/07/2020 14:56

You have neglected her and taken her regard for you and your son for granted. It is she who should be feeling hurt. It sounds as though this relationship is important to you though. You need to try to make amends.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2020 14:56

I would be upset too, she has been there for you and is a massive support, but she isnt even worth 1 minute for a text, just a response when prompted.

It sounds like you only really bother when she can do you a favour.

Call her, apologise unreservedly, and hope that you havent damaged the relationship forever.

2847381User · 14/07/2020 14:59

She sounds hurt

In the big scheme of things - not commenting on your DS's picture isnt that important. It's hurtful but no damage has been done has it

She sounds really helpful. If she's been lovely with you and your children since they were born then If I were you id apologise and try to fix this

If you havnt been asking about her thrn i can understand why shes annoyed, if it was me id feel used

Apologise and try and fix it, it sounds like you had a lovely relationship before this

Somethingkindaoooo · 14/07/2020 15:02

I could of asked more how she was doing personally and I will apologise to her for that but I still don't think that justifies ignoring my son.

Well, yes, it does.

You responding with pics is really all about YOU, and YOUR kids.

You were selfish. Just apologise. Don't make excuses

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2020 15:02

Also, I have to say you are coming across as a little self centered here OP.

Refreshingly, this is a woman who has actually come straight out and told you what the problem is, rather than leaving you to second guess (which is so often the case).

Yet you're claiming you don't know what you've done wrong and managed to turn it into how 'hurt' you are?

That's even more of a kick in the teeth for her really.

AnneTwackie · 14/07/2020 15:05

I’d nip it in the bud now and try not to take it to heart, times have been hard for everyone. She sounds great, don’t throw it away over a few messages. I’d go with something like “I really care about you and appreciate how much you care about both my children, I’m sorry if that hasn’t come across in messages. I will try to be more considerate in future, please let me know if I have done something else to upset you.”

Itwasntme1 · 14/07/2020 15:05

I agree call her. Tell her she is really important to you and your children. Apologise that you didn’t ask about her.

It sounds like she valued you as a friend and was hurt that the relationship was a bit one sided.

Acknowledge her feelings, apologise and make sure in future you take time to check in with her.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/07/2020 15:05

Just apologise to her OP, lockdown has been unbearable for some and caused huge anxiety, she is obviously hurting. I hardly think her not acknowledging your son once in a set of text messages that he will never see is the same, or a particularly big deal as a one off.

Just talk to her and resolve it, attaching meaning to it you don't even actually know exists , and then using that as rationale for continuing a small fall out is counter productive. I'm sure it can easily be resolved.

Firstawake · 14/07/2020 15:05

I'm not sure I entirely agree with everyone. It's been a stressful time for everybody. Things get missed, did she ask about you ( not the children) over this time.
She sounds like she has been nice since her son walked away but it's in her best interest to if she wants to have contact with her granddaughter.
Punishing you, by ignoring her grandchild's sibling is unkind, and should be addressed.
If she truly cared she may have mentioned that she'd missed contact with you and hinted at the issue.
Her actions sound a little mean to me. Flowers

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2020 15:10

If she truly cared she may have mentioned that she'd missed contact with you and hinted at the issue.

WTF? Are you saying that she shouldn't have been honest and just hinted instead? Confused

Why complicate something that's she's made so easy by telling the truth?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/07/2020 15:16

@Firstawake

I'm not sure I entirely agree with everyone. It's been a stressful time for everybody. Things get missed, did she ask about you ( not the children) over this time. She sounds like she has been nice since her son walked away but it's in her best interest to if she wants to have contact with her granddaughter. Punishing you, by ignoring her grandchild's sibling is unkind, and should be addressed. If she truly cared she may have mentioned that she'd missed contact with you and hinted at the issue. Her actions sound a little mean to me. Flowers
What.

She isn't missing contact. She is missing someone caring about her...

Veganforlife · 14/07/2020 15:16

Send her some flowers ,say how sorry you are ..make an effort ,like she did you ...if nothing comes of it ,at least you tried

Wakaranaihito · 14/07/2020 15:16

I'm with her. We all know people we care about who seem not to see us as real people, merely bit players and cheerleaders in their own lives.

butterpuffed · 14/07/2020 15:23

She's the one who's hurt OP.

It's all very well to 'always respond to all her texts' but did you ever think to be the first one to text just to see how she is ?

She sounds very caring , get your priorities right , give her a ring and apologise for being so thoughtless.