So hurt

[HP1092]

Hi everyone. Feeling so hurt today. I have a 5 year old daughter and an 18 month old son from separate relationships and neither of my children have contact with their fathers (their choices). My daughter's paternal family, however, are amazing. They stood up when their son turned his back and I was especially close with his mum (my daughter's nan). She was even there when I gave birth to my son (not her biological grandchild), cut his cord, was the first person to dress him and has taken him every week since along with my little girl. He calls her Nanny and I always thought she was besotted with him. Anyway, this morning I had a shitty text from her saying that she was upset that I haven't asked them how they are during lockdown (I've responded to all texts and sent pics of the kids, didn't realise I had done anything wrong?) I sent more pics of both kids this morning and she only acknowledged the ones of her biological granddaughter and commented on her and ignored every single thing about my son. It was obvious and I'm gutted. She's never done anything like that and it feels like it was done intentionally to hurt me. Not sure how to resolve this situation if anyone has any advice. I really don't know what I've done wrong.

[HP1092]

Ok, so I will call her tonight when the kids are in bed. Hopefully she will accept my apology and we can move on, my kids adore her so it will be a shame for all that to be ruined

[HP1092]

Sorry, kiddies running around right now but I will add more detail later

[Ellisandra]

Oh and it’s pisspoor to say you were too “frazzled” because of lockdown. Not too frazzled to have sex, clearly. You had time for your relationships with your boyfriend - but you didn’t have time for her, after all she’s done for you and your second child? Too frazzled to call her up and ask how she is?

[Shedbuilder]

I'm with her. We all know people we care about who seem not to see us as real people, merely bit players and cheerleaders in their own lives.

This, absolutely.

[WorraLiberty]

The too frazzled excuse doesn't work anyway as the OP wasn't too frazzled to reply to texts.

She was just too frazzled to send a couple in the first place apparently.

[2847381User]

Oh and it’s pisspoor to say you were too “frazzled” because of lockdown. Not too frazzled to have sex, clearly

Ellisandra OP hasnt mentioned having sex. Calm yourself down

[billy1966]

OP,
I can imagine it's been extremely hard for you.
But she is a great support.
Ring her later.
Apologise.
Don't mention your hurt.
Focus on being sorry and asking how she is.
You can tell her that it has been very hard on your own with the children.

You sound like a great mum.
Chin up👍

[LyndaSnellsSniff]

@HP1092

I can see both sides here...I’m wondering if you felt that the obvious closeness you have with her meant that you didn’t feel it necessary to ask how she was coping? There’s a sort of unspoken understanding that things are pretty crappy for a lot of people right now so not really much need to ask?

However, I guess she feels used: good enough to take the DCs weekly but not enough to be asked how she is.

[strawberrypip]

as kind hearted as this woman seems, I think OP is getting a lot if shit here and "taken for granted comments" whilst conveniently overlooking the fact her son is having nothing to do with his child. can maybe say she has not shown enough appreciation for treating OPs son so well but not for the daughter.

[MzHz]

@LovingLola

Pick up the phone, call her and have an actual conversation about it.

absolutely this - I'm sure you can work it out

[SunshineCake]

I would send a text to say can you call her tonight after the children have gone to bed and if she says yes, say you are sorry you haven't asked more about her personally and you appreciate all she does for you and the children and hope she can forgive you. It is time to eat humble pie and mean it.

[Ellisandra]

@2847381User OP said yesterday that she was newly pregnant. Which I mentioned above as I think it might be relevant to MIL’s reaction, if she knows. Tbf, my children were IVF though, so I of all people know pregnant doesn’t have to equal sex! It’s not just sex, as I pointed out... it’s the relationship with her boyfriend too. Time for that. It’s just bullshit when people say they’re too busy / frazzled. Lockdown has been hard on everyone, totally understand if OP had no energy for 2 hour an evening heart to hearts. But she says herself, she hasn’t made any time to ask how this woman is.

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

my kids adore her so it will be a shame for all that to be ruined

I think this attitude is part of the problem; you seem to value her only in relation to your children, whilst she has supported YOU, and values your relationship with her eg being at your birth. Instead of “my kids adore her” it should be “we all love her” or “we are very close”. Otherwise just looks like she’s being used for the sake of the children, which she will be aware of.

[Headandheart]

You don’t say how old she is. Maybe she has been shielding or she has found it hard to do shopping and just needed a bit of support and for you to check in with her. It’s the least you could do.

[IdblowJonSnow]

I would drop her a msg and say you're sorry shes upset and will call this eve. Hopefully then she'll be calmer and more receptive.
She sounds nice. Show a bit more regard and I'm sure itll blow over. Tell her you care and appreciate all shes done. Ask if there is anything you could do for her.

[HP1092]

@Nibblingoncrumpets

my kids adore her so it will be a shame for all that to be ruined

I think this attitude is part of the problem; you seem to value her only in relation to your children, whilst she has supported YOU, and values your relationship with her eg being at your birth. Instead of “my kids adore her” it should be “we all love her” or “we are very close”. Otherwise just looks like she’s being used for the sake of the children, which she will be aware of.

We do all adore her, but as other posters have commented saying we are not family etc I thought I would just focus on her relationship with my kids which is obviously the most important thing. Trying not to make this about myself either as it has been pointed out that I am coming across selfish. I care about her very much

[NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite]

You have been less than thoughtful and she obviously feels as if you don't care about her personally. She might feel the relationship is one-sided with her giving and you taking. Considering what she has done for you, I am not surprised she is hurt and upset.

Perhaps she has not commented on your son to show you how it feels. It hurts doesn't it? Be a better person - apologise to her and then start think about others and not just your children. Start showing how much you really care and appreciate this family who have been amazing you.

[2847381User]

Ellisandra I havnt seen the thread about OP being pregnant ...... i assumed from her posts that she was single with 2 small children ( with her saying neither father was involved ) and you were having a random rant

From reading the comments a bit more thoroughly i can see you mentioned it

she says herself, she hasn’t made any time to ask how this woman is

I said upthread if i was the Nanny i would feel used and for OP to apologise & try and fix it. The nanny sounds lovely

[2847381User]

I care about her very much

Make sure you tell her that when you ring her OP

[HP1092]

I will. Whatever I'm saying here seems to be the wrong thing so I will update you all after our phone call later (if she wants to talk)

[WorraLiberty]

@strawberrypip

as kind hearted as this woman seems, I think OP is getting a lot if shit here and "taken for granted comments" whilst conveniently overlooking the fact her son is having nothing to do with his child. can maybe say she has not shown enough appreciation for treating OPs son so well but not for the daughter.

What do you mean "conveniently overlooking"?

Nobody can do anything about that except the father of the child.

He's responsible for his own actions, nobody else.

[Flowers009]

I think she is childish However clearly hurt.

[strawberrypip]

@WorraLiberty that it's easy to bash a single mum for taking a childs grandparent for "granted" when her son isnt even in the childs life. this grandmother has clearly chosen to be in her grandchilds life whereas her useless son has not. this is her choice also, and possibly, she is over compensating for the exact reason that her son has remained uninterested in his childs life - there has also been comments that OP should be grateful when she isnt even in a relationship with the grandmothers son - this is an outrageous comment considering his absence in childs life. that's what I mean

[Isthisfinallyit]

Don't argue. She is right and you know it. At least she told you whats going on so now you can make it right again. She sounds hurt as if she feels that you don't care for her, but judging by your post you really do! Maybe the last few years you've forgotten a bit about equal social interaction. If someone asks how you are, you tell them and then ask how they are. If they called you make a note to call them back whenever. I once read that people feel that they talked 50% of the time and felt equal when they actually talked 70% of the time, use this knowledge to ask questions and let them talk.

She sounds like a gem and a great family member to have. It sounds like you both really love each other, so just apologize, tell her how much she means to you and ask her things. There is nothing to argue about, just listen to her and make it right, you'll both be happier going forward after this.

[strawberrypip]

like I said, not taking away how great it is that she is in the 18 month olds life, but I dont think the OP should be on her knees grateful that the grandmother features in her daughters life where her son does not