Page 5 | So hurt

HP1092 · 2020-07-14T13:31:57+00:00

Hi everyone. Feeling so hurt today. I have a 5 year old daughter and an 18 month old son from separate relationships and neither of my children have contact with their fathers (their choices). My daughter's paternal family, however, are amazing. They stood up when their son turned his back and I was especially close with his mum (my daughter's nan). She was even there when I gave birth to my son (not her biological grandchild), cut his cord, was the first person to dress him and has taken him every week since along with my little girl. He calls her Nanny and I always thought she was besotted with him. Anyway, this morning I had a shitty text from her saying that she was upset that I haven't asked them how they are during lockdown (I've responded to all texts and sent pics of the kids, didn't realise I had done anything wrong?) I sent more pics of both kids this morning and she only acknowledged the ones of her biological granddaughter and commented on her and ignored every single thing about my son. It was obvious and I'm gutted. She's never done anything like that and it feels like it was done intentionally to hurt me. Not sure how to resolve this situation if anyone has any advice. I really don't know what I've done wrong.

LondonTowers · 14/07/2020 17:37

Gosh. Can't say I agree with most of the OP's. You've enquired after her business, you've responded to her messages, you've sent photos.

Lockdown has been hard for EVERYONE. She sounds a bit entitled and to respond in a way that is hurtful to you and your son is plain mean.

Quartz2208 · 14/07/2020 17:47

Yes definitely call her and hopefully you can sort it but do go in and say sorry

LondonTowers · 14/07/2020 17:48

Furthermore, for OP to comment on this posters sex life and to say mean, judgemental things when this poster is reaching out for advice and support is unfair.

You don't need a degree in psychology to know that familial relationships aren't always clear cut. It sounds like this grandmother is helpful, yes, but she has been given the huge privilege of grand parenthood and we don't even know if she asked how the original poster was doing during lockdown.

The haters need to have a word with themselves.

Heyhih3 · 14/07/2020 17:49

@strawberrypip

why are you getting so butt hurt just because I've defended the OP on a few issues here? I do think its childish to ignore stuff to do with the 18 month old as retaliation for the irritation she feels towards OP. I also dont agree with comments alluding to her being grateful for grandmother being on the seen when she doesnt have a relationship with the absent father. end of.

The thing is the OP doesn’t know if the grand mother has something going on in her own life (since she has not be arsed to check). It’s not a big deal. I agree with others she should be grateful and if she can’t be and she truly believes she’s right... well she can easily let the relationship fizzle out. When OPs next in labour perhaps she will think on.

strawberrypip · 14/07/2020 17:52

wtf? she should be grateful the grandmother is in her biological grandchilds life but even more so because shes not in a relationship with the childs father...no sorry we are going to have to agree to disagree there

DopamineHits · 14/07/2020 17:53

I'm not sure she's that wonderful for ignoring the little boy because she's pissed off. If her relationship with him is going to be conditional on you behaving the way she wants (arguably she has a point with checking up on her, but still) it's something to be mindful of.

I'd call later and apologize. Tell her you've had your hands full. Don't bring up the fact that she ignored the pics of your DS. Just take notice of how she acts from now on. If you do start to see a pattern where she withdraws from your DS as a way to get at you, it may not be a good idea for her to have him unsupervised.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 14/07/2020 17:54

This is so easily solved...your hurt so is she.Pick up the phone tell herhow much you have missed her and you are sorry if it seems you have negleted her but you love her dearly and you cant wait for you All,meaning you and both kids to get together.Tell her you have had your hands full with the kids but she has never been out of your thoughts and you wished she was with you....doesnt matter if its bull or not but it puts you both back on an even keel...Be the bigger person OP ignore the nastiness and if you want or need her in your life then sometimes we need to go the extra miledoesnt matter who is right or wrong in the end,someone has to take the lead...let it be you,you can do this and put it right if you want her in your life.Put it down to lockdown craziness and hopefully you can both move on for you ,for her for the kids...

DopamineHits · 14/07/2020 17:55

When OPs next in labour perhaps she will think on.

And if OP loses trust in her ex MIL and doesn't let her have the DC's by herself anymore, maybe she will think on...

Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 17:59

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe

This is so easily solved...your hurt so is she.Pick up the phone tell herhow much you have missed her and you are sorry if it seems you have negleted her but you love her dearly and you cant wait for you All,meaning you and both kids to get together.Tell her you have had your hands full with the kids but she has never been out of your thoughts and you wished she was with you....doesnt matter if its bull or not but it puts you both back on an even keel...Be the bigger person OP ignore the nastiness and if you want or need her in your life then sometimes we need to go the extra miledoesnt matter who is right or wrong in the end,someone has to take the lead...let it be you,you can do this and put it right if you want her in your life.Put it down to lockdown craziness and hopefully you can both move on for you ,for her for the kids...

Thank you, this comment really stuck out to me. This is what it comes down to really. I don't mind admitting that I was wrong and saying sorry if it means that she will forgive me. I am hurt regarding ignoring my son (I can't help how I feel) but I'm not going to bring it up as she has never acted like this before. We are in very strange times

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Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 18:00

Also, I have texted her and she seems open to talking to me tonight

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/07/2020 18:06

Good, that's a great result OP. You value the relationship with this woman, you made that clear enough in your first post. Tell her too. I know she'll really appreciate that. We all need that sometimes and she's done that for you.

It's never easy to heal a rift, however slight, but it really does pay dividends and I'm sure it will for you too. Good luck with your call, I'm sure you'll put the phone down much relieved.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 14/07/2020 18:12

That’s great, op.

Remmeber, youre apologising. Dont argue.

lightyearsahead · 14/07/2020 18:18

Phone her and apologise. Explain you have just about been holding it together and didn't realise you were not asking her about her. Say you mean a lot to all of you, she is your family.

Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 18:19

Thank you. I feel quite nervous about talking to her. She is/was like a mum to me. I don't have a relationship with my own one

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chatterbugmegastar · 14/07/2020 18:20

I want to phone her but I also don't want to argue

Why would you argue ?

You're in the wrong

You'll be profusely apologising over and over

No need to argue

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/07/2020 18:25

OP said yesterday that she was newly pregnant. Which I mentioned above as I think it might be relevant to MIL’s reaction, if she knows.

It might well be relevant, possibly indirectly. If OP is pregnant, that rather implies that there is a man in her life right now. Is MiL (for want of a better phrase) feeling like now OP has someone else she's dropped her (MiL) - that she was useful but now the OP has found someone better she doesn't want to know?

Because as a PP said - the OP hasn't been too frazzled to find time for sex. Could she not have found two minutes occasionally to send MiL a text off her own bat, rather than it always only being a reply.

Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 18:31

Hi, no, "MIL" does not know about my pregnancy yet, but when she does I know she will be happy for me. She thinks my partner is great and has always been supportive of our relationship. They get on well also and he thinks I just need to talk to her instead of all this silly texting.

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Dashel · 14/07/2020 18:35

I think the issue is she wants to feel more than your DCs grandma to you because she loves you as well as your family.

Sometimes all people want to know is that they are loved and missed.

roking · 14/07/2020 18:37

I agree with the others. Don't go in all defensive. Just do as another poster said, tell her how sorry you are that you haven't asked more how she is and that you can't wait for you all to be able to be together again

roking · 14/07/2020 18:37

I agree with the others. Don't go in all defensive. Just do as another poster said, tell her how sorry you are that you haven't asked more how she is and that you can't wait for you all to be able to be together again

Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 18:37

Can I just add (without sounding like I'm arguing) we do really appreciate MIL and have tried to show her in the past, DP does her garden, fixes her car, I always buy her the most special Christmas present because she is special to me. I send her personalised cards with the kids pictures on sometimes which I know she thinks is great. I love her and I know she loves me. I hope this gets sorted. Sorry, just wanted to add that so you all know I don't just use her for a break, etc

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Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 18:38

Definitely not going to say all that to her though. I won't go in defensive

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chatterbugmegastar · 14/07/2020 18:40

we do really appreciate MIL and have tried to show her in the past, DP does her garden, fixes her car, I always buy her the most special Christmas present because she is special to me. I send her personalised cards with the kids pictures on sometimes which I know she thinks is great.

But this isn't about you trying to make yourself feel better

This is about you apologising and helping HER feel better

Ellisandra · 14/07/2020 18:40

Poor woman. This is not your fault at all, but how gutted must she be that the boyfriend of the woman her son left high and dry is the one mowing her lawn? Talk about rubbing in what an absolute waste of space her own son is

Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 18:44

@chatterbugmegastar

we do really appreciate MIL and have tried to show her in the past, DP does her garden, fixes her car, I always buy her the most special Christmas present because she is special to me. I send her personalised cards with the kids pictures on sometimes which I know she thinks is great.

But this isn't about you trying to make yourself feel better

This is about you apologising and helping HER feel better

Not trying to make myself feel better. Just giving some examples as to how I'm not "using" MIL.

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