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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So hurt

149 replies

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 14:31

Hi everyone. Feeling so hurt today. I have a 5 year old daughter and an 18 month old son from separate relationships and neither of my children have contact with their fathers (their choices). My daughter's paternal family, however, are amazing. They stood up when their son turned his back and I was especially close with his mum (my daughter's nan). She was even there when I gave birth to my son (not her biological grandchild), cut his cord, was the first person to dress him and has taken him every week since along with my little girl. He calls her Nanny and I always thought she was besotted with him. Anyway, this morning I had a shitty text from her saying that she was upset that I haven't asked them how they are during lockdown (I've responded to all texts and sent pics of the kids, didn't realise I had done anything wrong?) I sent more pics of both kids this morning and she only acknowledged the ones of her biological granddaughter and commented on her and ignored every single thing about my son. It was obvious and I'm gutted. She's never done anything like that and it feels like it was done intentionally to hurt me. Not sure how to resolve this situation if anyone has any advice. I really don't know what I've done wrong.

OP posts:

PurpleButterflyAway · 14/07/2020 15:23

Agree with PP, you’ve basically proved you don’t care about her.

Josette77 · 14/07/2020 15:26

You need to check on her and apologize.

Viviennemary · 14/07/2020 15:26

Did you ever start up communications. Or was it all her texting and you answering. You do sound a bit well self-centred. It's not all about you and how you are feeling. Sounds as if you are not very appreciative of this persons kindness and want to make an issue of some perceived slight.

Brieminewine · 14/07/2020 15:28

You’ve upset her by not asking how she is, she’s obviously not been okay and you’ve been oblivious to it. Apologise and try to repair the relationship.

strawberrypip · 14/07/2020 15:30

tbh even if she is hurt by something you have (or haven't done) OP I actually agree that its childish to "retaliate" by ignoring your son who she presumably has had a relationship with for a year and a half. she needs to grow up on that front and have it out with you, the adult.

I second the PP who say to phone her and talk about whatever the situation is properly.

strawberrypip · 14/07/2020 15:32

also, unlike some others by the sounds of it, I can appreciate how hard it is looking after 2 children especially during lockdown and that you might not necessarily think to check in all the time. I don't even know what day it is half the time, I dont speak to my own mother sometimes for a couple weeks. doesnt make you self centred, makes you over stretched and fuzzy brained

Thinkingabout1t · 14/07/2020 15:34

I would apologise and say something like “Really sorry I haven’t been in touch more. I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed by lockdown and didn’t want to burden anyone else. It’s such a weird time.“ Then ask after her and make it very clear she means a lot to you.

Original poster

HP1092 · 14/07/2020 15:37

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses. I can see that I have not asked about her enough and it honestly wasn't intentional. I've been absolutely frazzled looking after my 2 during lockdown in a little flat with no outdoor space. However, I do still think it is unfair to ignore my son and I'm now terrified she doesn't even want a relationship with him anymore. I want to phone her but I also don't want to argue

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 14/07/2020 15:40

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

She has directly told you the problem.

Just be direct with her, tell her your reasons, thank her for pointing it out and giving you the chance to explain, and hopefully that will be enough.

Fink · 14/07/2020 15:43

I want to phone her but I also don't want to argue

You don't need to argue, you need to say sorry. There won't be an argument if you admit that you're in the wrong and unintentionally hurt her.

She may or may not want to carry on the relationship on the same footing as before, either with you, your daughter, or your son, but that's her choice. It's not an argument.

Ellie56 · 14/07/2020 15:45

You maybe feeling hurt, but sounds like she is too!

If it's possible , go round with some flowers, apologise and sort it out.If not, pick up the phone and sort it.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2020 15:47

Don't argue then, just apologise.

But try not to make it all about your 'hurt'.

She's taken both your kids every week and it's quite possible your lack of concern over lockdown has made her feel 'used', even though I'm sure that's never been your intention.

Veenah · 14/07/2020 15:47

I agree, definitely call her soon. I can see why she might be hurt, sounds like she has treated you and both children like family and she feels you don't see her the same way. Lockdown was/is a time where people were checking in with their loved ones so it becomes quite obvious if something is one-sided, even if not intentionally so.

Give her a call and explain, I'm sure this is something that can be fixed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/07/2020 15:48

Why would you be arguing? You either can see her point or you can't. What you can't have is the security of her being there for you at all times, no matter what, because you are not her family. Sorry, but you're not.

You've treated her with some disregard and she's told you. It's not all about you and if you're reluctant to pick up the phone because of your misplaced hurt for your own feelings then just don't.

You're so focused on yourself and your children that you've forgotten the other person who has made your relationship so worthwhile. I would fix it, if I were you, and start treating her like the equal friend she is, not your MIL who is as obsessed with your children to the exclusion of her as you currently are.

backseatcookers · 14/07/2020 15:51

She told you why she was upset and you now realise she was right. So why would there be an argument?!

Be an adult, call her, say sorry you've been wrapped up in the kids and your own stuff during lockdown but you can see her point and you wish you had asked her more often how she's doing.

Say sorry, she sounds lovely and I'm sure she will say it's ok water under the bridge.
You not ringing her to make peace is just prolonging things and is quite immature to be honest. She's clearly been an absolute rock, so for your sons sake as well as your own just speak to her and be gracious about it.

backseatcookers · 14/07/2020 15:52

I would fix it, if I were you, and start treating her like the equal friend she is, not your MIL who is as obsessed with your children to the exclusion of her as you currently are.

This is really well put.

OneForMeToo · 14/07/2020 15:52

She’s gone the extra mile to the extent that she was your birth partner with a baby that is not her sons nor are you even the current partner of her son to need to welcome this new baby as any relation and you’ve not once asked her how she is since the end of March? And now your pissy she’s focusing on her granddaughter not your son?

Your the one in the wrong op.

Heyhih3 · 14/07/2020 15:56

@LovingLola

Pick up the phone, call her and have an actual conversation about it.

This is the best advice. Do not speak via text! Offer to meet up! Lockdown has caused many of these issues... I agree though it’s really shown some people’s true colours in a time of possible need.

Heyhih3 · 14/07/2020 15:59

@HP1092

Bite the bullet! I think she may of left the child out that’s not her biological grandchildren so you get a blunt hint! Send some flowers or something. However do not talk about yourself as though you are a victim here it won’t go down well. Say sorry and just explain I’m sure it will easily be sorted.

fatgirlslimmer · 14/07/2020 16:02

You have taken her for granted and she feels it.

She has cut your sons cord, taken both children every week for years and you haven’t asked how she is, whether there is anything she needs? You can’t have been so frazzled that in four months you haven’t had time to ask.

Is the relationship always this one way?

Nothing to argue over, you call her, you apologise, you don’t make excuses, you own it. Even your response is about you and whether she will still want a relationship with your son. Don’t be saying she is unfair, she has been more than fair. You however, not so much.

What about being fair on her, is it fair that you haven’t cared about her enough to make the effort? You have been very lucky to have this woman in your life, give her the respect she deserves.

Ellisandra · 14/07/2020 16:07

Making a bit of a leap here OP, but you posted yesterday that you’re now newly pregnant with a third.
Does she know?
If she does, I wonder if that would have a bearing.

She has treated your second child like a grandchild. But presumably she doesn’t think that #3 can join that happy band? Presumably #3’s father has no interest in sending his future child along or having an unrelated woman be called Nanny? (I wouldn’t want to give up time every week with my child!)

If she knows about your pregnancy, she might be having the same thoughts as me here - what does that mean for her relationship with the child she’s treated as a grandchild? If #3 isn’t coming to her, then you no longer have the child free time she gives you, so maybe you’ll keep #2 as well.

She’s in a precarious position as a grandparent even to #1 as she’s reliant on your good will.

Perhaps her withdrawing from #2 re the photograph comments is protecting herself because she doesn’t know what her place will be with a 3rd baby arriving?

If she already feels that you’re not really interested in her, from your lack of questions to her, even more reason for her to think she might get dropped from #2’s life if you no longer need the childcare.

Camphillgirl · 14/07/2020 16:07

Sounds like she needs you now. Maybe something else has finally got to her and she is using this as an opportunity for you to be there for her like she was for you. Speak on the phone straight away. Tell her how much she has meant to you and how much help she has been and how you appreciate it. Then ask how she is and is there anything you can do for her. Ignore the fact she hasn’t commented about little boy, she doesn’t sound the sort of person to be suddenly spiteful to him. It’s a call for help to you. You can do this.

JaaniGoGo · 14/07/2020 16:08

Sounds like you’ve taken her for granted. She is giving all of you a lot and getting little in return. You could have asked how she was. Even now, you’re fixated on her ignoring your son. Just apologise to her and do better in future. Don’t even mention her ignoring your son, it’s not about that. She’s hurt, don’t make it about you.

silverbubbles · 14/07/2020 16:12

So she has looked after your kids every week for you, sounds like she makes a big effort. Yet when you don't need her you don't bother checking in with her or asking how they are getting on.

I am not surprised she feels a bit used by you. You have taken her good nature for granted.

Ellisandra · 14/07/2020 16:13

I’m still trying to work out why your response to her telling she was upset this morning was to just send photos of your kids. Just how much did you send for their to be an opportunity for you to be so sure that she’s definitely ignoring ones about your son?

Is it not more likely that she’s still pissed off that despite having raised this, you’re still just sending pics of your kids (not about her, not an apology) that she doesn’t want to reply at all but she also doesn’t want to escalate it by ignoring you completely. So perhaps she’s made minimal comments (and that happens to be your daughter) because she doesn’t want to ignore you - but is still actually waiting for a show from her that you do actually care about her?

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