AIBU to think this is anything but proof he has cheated.

[Cornnuts]

Sorry not AIBU but posting for traffic. I was looking for some old files on my husbands laptop that I needed. I have found screenshots of text messages he received in September 2018 from two different sources one saying ‘you’re test came back negative’ and the other ‘you’re clear’ from googling the numbers one is linked to government NHS chlamydia testing, the other is free test.me which is an STD testing site. We have been married 2 years and together 10. I’ve been lying here all night going through every possible scenario that somehow this has an explanation. There isn’t anything I can think of apart from he has cheated. I don’t know what to do or think. I will talk to him today but I don’t know if I’m ready to hear what this means. I love him and thought he loved me. We are trying for a baby. I just can’t even think that he would do this. Sorry not even really a question. Suppose just looking for a hand hold and somewhere to vent.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm so sorry OP.
And most cheaters blame the other party.
It's to ease their guilt.
He will totally re-write history soon as well, so be prepared for that.
I'm glad you found out before you had a DC together.
Look after yourself.
Lean on friends and family as much as you need to.
They will want to help.
Don't listen to his bullshit.
Spend the next few days being kind to yourself.
Worry about other practicalities next week.
It's truly crap. Lots of us have been there though so do reach out for help and support.
There are 100's of collective MN-ers with a wealth of 'hindsight' to get you through this.

[Brenna24]

I am sorry. Blaming you is low but typical. Well done for telling friends and getting support.

[Cornnuts]

So we talked yesterday. He apologised for blaming me and said it was just because he was shocked.
Apparently he has never cheated on me however he has felt lonely and unhappy in the last few months. He said he started talking to this woman in April as he felt lonely, I was in hospital in April with covid and bilateral pneumonia very unwell so that seems like great timing but there we go. It’s someone he works with, she actually came to our wedding evening do, he said he started talking to her as he wanted someone impartial to talk to and he didn’t want to talk to me as it would make me upset. In summary he doesn’t like himself and felt wanted by this other woman so that’s why he went to meet her, he bought and took condoms as he wanted something to happen however once he got there he realised he was stupid. Also said something about reading the signals wrong so I said did she shoot you down then? But no aparently as soon as he got off the train there he knew it was wrong.
He then said that he couldn’t talk to me as actually he didn’t really want children and this would crush me. We have talked about having a family in the ten years we have been together but apparently again he just realised he didn’t want them in the last few months and knew it would crush me to tell me.
He said he had thought over the past couple of months that he didn’t love me and we were more like friends so he was talking to her about that as he didn’t want to upset me. He has now realised that he does love me and can’t believe he ever thought that. The day I confronted him he had been talking to her on his phone. I asked why and he had been taking to her aparently to tell her he had realised he loved me and was telling her.
He showed me his phone but EVERYTHING had been deleted. I said surely if the conversations were platonic you would keep them to prove that.
I’m just an absolute mess. On one hand I don’t believe him at all, the next minute he’s crying and upset and I want to comfort him and him to comfort me. I don’t get where the not wanting to have children has come from. We literally were discussing this three days ago.
I feel so torn like why can’t I just hate him yet every part of me wants to be with him. Then this morning I’ve had a check up at the hospital and I was so anxious about this as last time I was there I nearly died and he was so reassuring and crying that he couldn’t come with me.
Like yesterday after we talked we were both so upset I had my famil and friends to go to after and he was on his own and I made sure he told his mum before I went so he had support. Like I care about him so much. I just want to be like okay let’s make this work. He said he wants to and that he wants to be more open and honest. But a. I don’t know if I do believe him. B. Even if what he says is true it’s still awful and he still wanted to be with another woman. And c. There is still the whole level of deception and hiding and using a different name on snapchat to talk to her. Why do that if it’s just a friend for support.
God I’m so sorry for the massive ramble I just needed to get it out. Every time I talk irl I just cry and feel like I can’t breathe.

[BobbieDraper]

When you first caught him, and he hadn't had time to come up with an excuse, he told he that he had been seeing someone and it was because of you.

Now that he has had time to come up with a (flimsy) excuse, he is telling you nothing has happened. He just planned to cheat and then realised all by himself that he was wrong and didnt do anything.... but has still been talking to her and deleting messages.

I think I know which reaction I believe.

Dont be an idiot. If you stay with him, then at least do it knowing that he did cheat and he is now lieing to you.

Oh, and where are these unopened boxes of condoms? He threw them out I guess?

[ItIsMyName]

This doesn’t explain the chlamydia testing from 2018.

[Phillymouse]

So much going on there but essentially he's got rid of any evidence and is making you take his word.

Have you spoken to the other woman? She might be able to give you a different perspective on the situation however I understand that it could be distressing to hear.

Essentially you could stay with him, believe him for the mean time but there will always be doubt and mis trust eating away at your relationship. Is it worth it?

Also you mentioned about having kids, is that a deal breaker for you and is he worth not having the chance of having kids? Would you resent him if you stayed and didn't have kids or ended up having kids then spilting ?

[MiddleClassProblem]

Did he explain the STD test at all? That’s from almost 2 years ago so surely has nothing to do with anything that may it may not have happened with this woman in April?


I don’t think you will get the whole truth, tbh. And the mind fuck of “I love you, I don’t love you, I love you”, “I want kids, I don’t want kids” paired with the trust being cut out, I don’t think I could be with him in your position,

[Coffeecak3]

Sorry OP. I too believe he has cheated. You caught him too early. He's still at the wavering between two women stage.
Don't do the pick me dance.

[MRex]

He's lying OP, because his stories don't hang together. I'm so very sorry for you, but your life will be much better without him. Can you move in with family or throw him out? It will all be a lot easier if you aren't trying to share a home where he can use your shared history to pull you back in.

[Annabanana1234]

Sorry @Cornnuts but he’s lying again. There’s no way he got tested in 2018 if he wasn’t cheating. He’s changing his story repeatedly to try and confuse you enough about it all that you forgive him.

He said he wanted a family but apparently that’s a lie too so you’ve spent 10 years waiting for him to be ready only to have his infidelity discovered. Thank goodness before you became pregnant.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Don't waste a day more of your life on this man.
Your life, your future. Stop looking after him. He shafted you royally, was chatting up some woman when you were in hospital, and now has you making sure he can talk to his mummy for support. He's making me feel sick. Come on, get angry. He's made a mug of you with her, now he's doing it again and your future with him holds nothing but more pain.
Walk. Or, run.

[Sunnydayshereatlast]

He is sobbing to appear vulnerable and make you feel sorry for him.
He is a cheater. Don't waste your energy..
Ltb.

[ThePants999]

And his explanation for the STD tests?

I'm not buying it, sorry ☹️

[redastherose]

I'm sorry too. It is highly likely that he has already cheated. What he's said to you is following The Script perfectly unfortunately. There is a link on MN somewhere which sets out the stages!

[tobedtoMNandfart]

Well I wouldn't believe a word of that. Sorry.

[CharDee]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I agree with other posters that his latest story is made up. Why couldn't he just say that in the first place? Instead he went out of his way to make you feel shit about yourself. All this crying is just to make you feel sorry for him. He's just sorry he's been caught out.

Even in the unlikely event that he is telling the truth, he was planning to cheat. He was able to make arrangements knowing what was going to happen.

You were ill in hospital and he was talking to someone else. You deserve so much better than this.

[Buggedandconfused]

I’m so sorry OP, but he has now demolished the trust. It’s wildly obvious he is lying as has cheated on you this time and probably before.

The problem now is that if you stay with him you will be living a life of low level fear and anxiety if him cheating again. You will become hyper vigilant which is soul destroying and exhausting.

The truth is that men who do this are a type. They more often than not do it again and again.

His awful excuses blaming you, the non love, the not wanting children are despicable and you will from here on in feel like you are living on shifting sands with him. He is not a solid, genuine nor trustworthy man.

At the very least I would be asking for a separation (he leaves) and consulting a solicitor to explore your options for divorce and finances.

[Buggedandconfused]

And to do this while you are in hospital is as low as this gets. He’s a selfish, uncaring pig. Sorry.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

Op he is a liar and needs to talk to you now because the longer he leaves it the stronger you get.

You dont want the same things, so even if he was telling the truth, the relationship is still over.

Dont lower your standards so much that you make a choice to stay with a liar and cheat who told you he doesnt love you.

Find the strength. Go absolutely no contact for the month. Youll get stronger each day.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

My now exh said exactly the same. Deleted everything, so I only had his word for it. Said he couldn't go through with it and it was all emotional and not physical. I stayed for 3 years to try and make it work. Until he got pissed one night with some mutual friends and he was overheard telling the lads about a girl he worked with that he'd shagged back in 2010. He eventually admitted he'd had sex with her 3 times.

Don't believe a bloody word of it op.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Did you ask him about the STD test? Why on earth would he have gotten and STD test if he never had an affair/slept with someone else?

[kenandbarbie]

Well he's just thinking of lies to make you stay now. He had an std test and deleted the messages. Does he have an explanation for that?

[BuffaloMozzerella]

He's lying about not having sex with her and he's cheated before hence the old STD texts.

He may never admit these things to you though.

I'm so sorry OP.

[BuffaloMozzerella]

I wouldn't ask him directly. I would say I've found old evidence that you cheated in 2018 as well and i know you're lying to me. And see what he says.

[youremindmeofthebabewhatbabe]

I'm so sorry this has happened OP :(
The question you need to ask him is.. if he didn't cheat on you and backed out (this time), why did he need testing back in 2018? Was it the same woman? Have there been others?
The fact is, having kids is wonderful, but also hard work and if one partner isn't in it 100% it will be guaranteed to cause a lot of tension.. either that or be prepared to do it all by yourself (and to do that you May as well be single). Is that what you want?
Unfortunately (and I am in this situation currently), what we have in our minds about what our relationships/marriages COULD be, it might not be what it is, or will ever be. I'm hanging on to the ideal of what early marriage days were (no kids, no responsibilities, not many arguments), but sadly, with family comes responsibilities and if your partner isn't prepared for that, or worse, doesn't want that, you will be stuck. I'm stick right now and it's awful. So much harder to walk away when kids are involved.
Ask yourself this.. will you ever truly trust him? If he goes away with work, or a "lads weekend", will you be wondering? You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved fully and know without a doubt that you are loved... not wondering if the wind has changed along with your OH's feelings. I'm living that right now and it's total shit. But with young kids and with no steady job I'm stuck. Don't get yourself in that position. Put yourself on that pedestal. See him for what he IS, not for what you imagine he COULD be, or was a few years ago. That's the mistake I've been making for the last 8 years at least. Hugs to you xx