To feel a bit 'icky' after seeing partners internet history?

[IfIWasAFlowerGrowingWildAndFre]

When using DPs phone yesterday I went to close some of the open pages on the internet and noticed one of them was porn. Now, I dont usually have an issue with porn, and whilst it's not something DP chooses to discuss with me, I am aware he watches it. The title of the particular video was something along the lines of 'dad watches daughter fuck stepmom'. Though I didnt look in depth I'm fairly certain it was more a role play scenario rather than incest, but given I am a 'stepmom' to his DD it feels pretty grim knowing he's getting off on that sort of thing.
A nosey through his internet history would suggest he watches that particular 'genre's often, and as I can see the times hes visited these sites, hes watching it whilst telling me he is going for a nap during the day (too tired to come to the park with me and DD, but not too tired for a wank),or late at night when he is downstairs 'relaxing' rather than coming to bed with me. He is often too tired for sex, and we dont have a great sex life anymore so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth.
Aibu to tell him what I've seen and that I'm uncomfortable with it?

I think the specific content of the videos is by the by, I wouldn't get too hung up on that (assuming there is no child abuse in there, or anything else illegal).

I'd be much more concerned about the fact that he's lying about being too tired to go to the park with his family in order to facilitate his porn habit, and also the fact he seems to choose porn over sex with you. That's the really concerning part. It makes it seem like he has an addiction.

My DH and I both watch porn occasionally, but it really is once in a blue moon and we still have a healthy sex life and I can't even begin to imagine it cutting into family time. That's really sad and indicative of a huge problem.

@araiwa

Its shorthand for older woman and younger woman

Nowt to do with actual incest

Stepson brother son etc - younger man
Dad uncle step dad etc older man

That doesn’t make any sense.

Why would misleading “shorthand” based on archetypes be a “thing” in porn in a way it isn’t in real life? A: It’s not, and the genre most definitely is intended to portray incest for titillation.

Do you have any concerns about his behaviour around his 12yo DD? His attitude to her?

Will you feel comfortable with him having private access to your DD once you split and share custody?

That doesn’t make any sense.

Why would misleading “shorthand” based on archetypes be a “thing” in porn in a way it isn’t in real life? A: It’s not, and the genre most definitely is intended to portray incest for titillation.

Agree. The reason Pornhub churn out so many daddy-daughter themed titles is because they know incest is what gets the clicks. It's beyond sick.

That's so gross.
Porn is a deal breaker for me anyway, but this especially is super gross.

Wildone84

Um, that was money grabbing crap even if sleazy men did applaud.

Do you think they make porn films out of the pure joy of it? There's always someone bankrolling it.

There's nothing romantic about sexual exploitation.

I did omit to mention that this episiode took place back in 1981 so some 39 years ago and i still say If you'd have seen it your opinion would differ it was not at all selazy it was a story from the Karma Sutra so the projectionat told me and I'd no reason to have disbelived him! Both man and women were in it so who was being expolited?

But since then the Internet like Nuclear power can be for the benefit or utter disruction of the human race there is no comparision of what that was to what there is now and what can be so easily be seen by any child with a smart fone that is the real issue and how the hell do we fix that problem?

And i don't think we realistically can, sad to say:(

It over between us, I've explained last night I simply cannot bear the thought of any intimacy between us again knowing what turns him on.
As there is nothing illegal about it (though morally I do not agree with it), I wont be telling anyone else.
I asked to see his phone again, and he didnt appear to have deleted anything. There is nothing what so ever that I can see which would shoe he is searching for anything involving actual children, just women pretending to be.
I've never had any concerns about him and SD, though I am by no means an expert in spotting the signs of child sex abuse. I've looked online for the signs and there are no red flags for me.
Up until now I wouldn't have had any concerns about my own DDs safety around him if ever we broke up, but now we have and I guess he will find another partner in the future, that would create the same dynamic with DD and a 'stepmum' and the thought of that makes me feel quite sick actually. I had a little cry over the thought of it last night. This makes me wonder if I should be reporting what I have seen to anyone so that I have something official should ever I get concerns in the future and feel it appropriate to reduce access?
We are still living together, though I am going to move out (3 bed house, seems sensible he has the 3 rooms for him and both children where as I only need a 2 bed), and everything is pleasant and calm between us at the moment but I cant reconcile the man I have been with for quite some time and the man I now know to watch what he does .

Weve had an in depth chat over his phone security, he does seem to grasp the seriousness of either DD potentially viewing this sort of thing online. When I see SD I am going a to chat little chat about online things and just check she hasn't come across anything like this before on his phone. It isn't unusual for me to talk to SD about things like this, DP is useless at it and her mum has quite extreme religious views surrounding sex and refuses to discuss it with DD apart from a very childlike 'do not touch boys till you are married' sort of talk with her.

Good for you OP.

I hope it gives him pause for thought.

It really disturbs me that boys and men are being brought up on this sort of stuff now. I couldn't date a man who I knew got off to watching this stuff. I really couldn't bear to have sex with him.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, although you sound remarkably strong. I think even if you had tried to reconcile, the relationship is now irreparable so you've been brave in recognising that.

I've no idea if the content of his porn is a child protection issue. I mean it should be, but I have a feeling (as you say) that it would be deemed legal adult material. You could ring a helpline like NSPCC to ask these questions and find out if this could be used in court when awarding access? (should that situation arise). You can call anonymously if you wish.

Try not to think too far ahead in terms of future partners. This is all so raw and those issues might be easier to deal with if or when they arise.

I hope you have some real life people to turn to?, No need to go into the reasons for your split but just to have some support over your breakup.

I feel very sorry for you OP.
But I agree.
The feeling of disgust would never go away.
Wishing you the very best.

that would create the same dynamic with DD and a 'stepmum' and the thought of that makes me feel quite sick actually

What a horrible thought - I’m sorry for you x

I once found a dvd belonging to my now exh it was porn brother does his sister porn, I knew he had a sister but they weren't in contact, however when I did meet her at a family event she had unresolved issues regarding him sexually abusing her while they lived at home.

So it wasn't just a fantasy, he acted on it having watched it in porn.

yuck
yuck
yuck

Imagine having sex with him the next time and you wonder what he is thinking about..

Yuck

To all those who say incest is a common fantasy... seriously?! Mind my ignorance on this one but... seriously?

Yeah, I don't think this is true. It's a common topic in porn nowadays, in my opinion because as boys and men get more and more addicted to porn, they need more risqué / taboo / extreme things to get off. So I don't think men who watch this are necessarily thinking about anybody in their own family, just enjoying the idea of two people who shouldn't be doing it, doing it. Because "normal" porn no longer does it for them. And there's just so, so many men for whom that is now the case, that the demand for this stuff just goes up and up.

I'm not saying that changes anything about your situation or how you feel OP, just kind of an aside.

The pornhub stuff is from what I can tell step relations. Brother-sister mum-son dad-daughter. No one is pretending to be children it's all teen plus teen or teen plus adult etc.

However it fosters the idea that if you live in a blended family the women in the household are all gagging for it with you. Plus others. And that's really harmful - to promote the idea to a teenage boy that his step sister, or step mum are there for sex so they then become part of his sexual landscape. And even for grown men to be seeing step daughters in this way. Yuk.,

But the OPs H is having fantasies about a natural daughter plus step mum (presumably dad joins in at some point) and that IS incest. I'm not sure how safe he will be around his DD when she gets a little older.

I think someone needs to talk to him - he really needs some kind of counselling. Using Porn instead of sex, playing out poem fantasies about his sexually repressed ex, and a step mum/daughter ssetup. I get the feeling he's trying to pass this off as normal - he doesn't even care if his daughter sees it.

OP I think you need to tell someone if you can. So don't that can step in and have strong words. Not his ex, and it's not a police matter. But it's pretty fucked up.

Just don't let him persuade you otherwise. Porn addicts are also very manipulative and excellent liars. It is good you have sorted this out now, I went down a long road of doubting myself/lies/counselling before I got rid of my porn addled ex. Don't make the same mistake that I did. He is actively choosing porn over real life intimacy and sex (as well as family activities) he is clearly deeply entrenched in his addiction.

You've got your head screwed on, OP. I really admire the way you're dealing with this.

Very best wishes to you.

I worked with a man he was very drunk at a Christmas party he admitted he enjoyed doing the laundry as the scent from his teenage Daughters x 2 underwear brought him back memories of his teenage years.
I never spoke to him after that night

That is absolutely stomach-turningly vile